Ashes
by E.W.S. Miami
Summary: Book Seven - This occurs 10 years after Suzanne Collin's Mockingjay. The children of Peeta and Katniss have grown to be eligible for the Reaping if it was still around. The Star-crossed lovers in there years of parenthood are almost the ages of their parents when they were taken into the Games. Like always thank you for reading, and reviews are always welcomed.
1. Chapter 1

Introduction

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the continuation of the Suzanne Collins's Mockingjay.

It is years after the last book that I wrote, "Children of the Seam," and Lilly and Thomas have reached the same age of Katniss and Peeta when they first met in the Reaping. The new government has maintained peace and have begun to define themselves to the people. Although the family Mellark has gone through many things, they have maintained their harmony together. The scars of the past continues to haunt both Katniss and Peeta, differently. The nightmares of the Games and Rebellion continue to be remembered in the districts as way to never repeat them, there is however a new enemy arising. The ash it seems from the past has drifted through the wind and now is threatening to take away the peace that the star crossed lovers have sacrificed for.

Thank you again for reading and now without further delay.

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PART I

"THE SUNRISE"

Chapter One

"Tell it to me again papa?" the voice is soft and low. The candle only lights up a little bit of her room. Her voice just like her mother and the curiosity of the aunt she would never meet. Every day she reminds me a little bit of who we were once. The way her eyes light up when she hears her mother's laughter. It is the same way that mines do. There is so much of her that I see now. It is the smallest details that I focus on, that say everything about her.

My hand reaches up and grabs the nearby chair moving it near her bed. Sitting down, I look at her and smile.

"Which one would you like me to tell you again Lilly?" I ask.

"Hmm," she starts. "Tell me about when you fell in love with mom?"

The memory is the one of the only pure ones that I still have. It is harder to remember the real ones and the ones that have been implanted into my mind. We play more and more the real or not real game, just to keep my memories together. I had to start to write them down, not exactly my proudest moments when you have to refer to a small little book for some of the details of your life that you simply cannot remember.

"You don't get tired of hearing it over and over?" I ask her.

"No," she says. "Probably one day I will, but not today."

I stand and grabbing the comforter I place her feet inside and tuck her on the sides. Bringing it up to her chin, I lean in and kiss her on her forehead.

"Okay," I say sitting back down on the chair. "Well it was when I was five. Your grandpa was walking me to school. It was probably the first day I saw so many changes of leaves. Well, there was a butterfly that caught my eye walking along the side of the road. I can remember seeing it flap it wings and move from side to side. That was until something else caught my eye."

"What?" she says.

"Well it was the red dress," I say. "This little girl was wearing a red dress and had two braids. Well I never told anyone this, but your grandpa slowed down and that was when I stopped and looked up at him."

"What was grandpa looking at," asks Lilly.

The images come to me as if it was just uncovered for the first time in a long time. I haven't thought of this moment in a long time. The way he uses to look at me, with his smile filled with love. It was never conditional on anything more than who I was.

I search my thoughts, and can see him there, but something is off. It is almost as if the memories are being changed. I close my eyes and see him there standing. His face the same as I had remember. I don't really see the background, and I cannot hear the birds. This has never happened before, and suddenly I can feel my heart begin to beat just a little bit faster. A small beep begins to creep up and I fear something that hasn't happened in a while is beginning to happen again.

"Papa?" I hear her voice echo through my mind.

Letting out a deep sigh, I open my eyes and see her there looking at me. My beautiful daughter there with those like her mothers, can calm the most raging storms in me.

"Sorry," I say. "Where was I?"

Her eyes are already closing and a small smile goes over her face. She settles into her warm pillow and then finally in a low whisper.

"It's okay Papa," she says. "I know that you are tired."

It has always baffled me, how they do this. Both she and her mother know exactly what to say and how to say it, so that they comfort even the distressed soul. It was her song that brought me back from the brink of darkness and now it is our daughter's voice that does the same.

"Tomorrow then?" I say.

"Hmm," she responds slowly drifting off to sleep. She turns to her side and then just like that, she is asleep. I push the loose strands of hair away from her face and then smile as I stand.

Turning around I walk towards the doorway. The whole house is sound asleep and although it is cold outside, the winter breeze is held at bay by the warmth of the hearth. The hallway is dark but only for a small light at the end of the hallway. It is the way to the living room. The paintings litter the hallway, some by Thomas, and some by Lilly, there is even one by Katniss. It did take a lot of begging by the Thomas and Lilly, but when she finally relented, we hung the picture proudly. She of course wanted to hide it in the fireplace, with a fire going, but she had made a promise to keep it up with the rest of them.

The living room looks like it has been really broken in. Not like the many years it took us to build it, but now it looks like we have lived here for years. Standing there, looking around, I see the bows in the entry way, all four of them. The only differences now between them are the colors of the wood. It was a rule that we had made in our home that everyone of our family would learn to hunt and survive. We never went out without the other, we always hunted in pairs. It was an argument at first, Katniss never really wanted the children to know about our past, but where we live in the woods outside of the fence it is necessary to learn the basics. It took her days to finally agree, but one morning when I didn't find her in the house, I knew that Thomas was with her.

I walk over to the kitchen, and opening the top cupboard over, I move over the boxes and tins, looking for the one that I had hidden from the children. Once I found it, I place it on the counter next to the stove. If they found it, it wouldn't last one day, so of course I placed it in a air tight metal tin labeled 'vegetables' knowing full well their love for the greens would keep them away from it. I take it down and then finally opening it, I breathe in the wonderful aroma. I grab a small piece and placing it in a pot; I walk over to the refrigerator.

The refrigerator hums silently powered by the batteries outside. It was the newest technology from Beetee. The ability to harness not only the sunlight but the wind and water to create energy, was the way that we were able to finally live off the grid and continue to have our privacy from everyone in the Districts. The small gallons of milk pepper the door, each labeled with a date of expiration. Soon enough we will have to go into the District for a supply run, and I know how much Katniss loves to do that.

I grab the milk that is the one nearest to its expiration date, and opening it, I smell the liquid.

'Not too bad,' I think to myself as I pour the milk in the pot. The fire makes quick work of the cold milk and melts the contents of it with ease. Grabbing a spoon I start to mix it slowly, seeing the white milk turn a familiar dark brown. Dipping my pinky into the pot, I taste it and the memories come flooding back.

Pouring it into two cups, I walk over through the living room, making sure to keep my eyes on the ground for Lilly's hunting boots, that she of course has left lying around, to Thomas's books that he has littered around in piles according to his mood. It is sort of a maze to walk through this mined field, but it is something that we have gotten use to. The green shawl is neatly folded by the arm of the sofa. Balancing the two cups on one hand, I pick up the shawl with my now opened hand. It is then that as I am almost through the front door that I see her through the window there sitting on the bench outside.

The cold winter wind greets me as if a punch to the stomach and I have to stop to gather myself there in the doorway. Turning to my right I see her there just sitting staring out into the cold winter night. I make it my point to make as much noise as I can as I walk towards her. As I approach the bench, I look over to what has gotten her gaze and find that it might by the moon, or even the stars that twinkle now in the dark sky. Once I am close enough I place the cups on the nearby small table. This allows me to grab the large green shawl with both of my hands. I sit down right next to her and covering her with the shawl I see that makes no reaction to it. I turn and grab the hot cups and placing one on the arm rest to her right.

"Hi," I say. "Just thought you might want some."

She just stares out to the distance, and I know that it is one of those nights. I know exactly what she is experiencing and though it hurts me, I just sit there and know that all I can do is be there for her. It is the way life is now, the war still occurring in our nightmares, and in our moments when we are awake. It is something that we have tried to shield our children from, but whenever Katniss gets like this, I just tell them that she is thinking about how much she loves them, and that she just needs some time by herself.

There are times when it is only a couple of minutes and other times when it would be days, but she always comes back. All I have to do is wait, been doing that ever since I was five, I think a couple of days or hours or even minutes would be okay.

This time though it is only a couple of hours before I feel her hand reach for mine. Once she finds it, her head finally tilts towards my shoulder. It is when I know that she is coming back and that she is okay.

"Windows," she finally says.

I turn and looking at her, I see her eyes are focused on the stars. It is these little things that we have between us, that remind me why I love her so much.

The windows were the story that my father gave me when I was young on death. When I couldn't understand the lost of someone dying that I loved, he would tell me that the stars were windows to the houses of the people we have lost. They always kept the light on, so that we could know that they were thinking of us. It seems that tonight, Katniss is thinking of someone she has lost.

"Windows," I reply knowing exactly what she is referring to.

"I miss her," she says. "Lately I have been thinking about her a lot."

It is the hardest one, and the one that sometimes haunts Katniss. We still have nightmares, and most of the time they are about the Games, or the War. With Katniss, it is always the same. It took a while to get her to finally tell me the nightmare, but when she did, I could tell how much it weighed on her. The story of a forest being burned alive, with the screaming of the Mockingjays trapped there in the branches. All she could do is cover her ears as the screams of the birds become the screams of the children that perished that night. Most of the time it is in the winter when she starts to have these nightmares, the last memories of her sister being blown to bits in front of the President's Mansion.

"I know," I say. "I miss her too."

She lets out a deep sigh and there I can feel her eyes finally turn from the stars to me. I turn my head and when I see her eyes, they are saddened by the painful memories of Prim. It is the only thing that can penetrate deep into my soul, those deep grey eyes. My hand reaches up to her cheek, and she lets out a small smile. It is then that she leans up as I lean down and for a moment everything just disappears, and it is just us again. We are back on the roof top garden the day before the Games. Her lips are as delicate and smooth, but passionate.

After a couple of minutes she lifts up a hand to my chest and then moves away.

"Do you remember the first time we came here?" she says looking out into the frozen lake.

I look at her, and smile.

"Of course I do," I say trying to remember the first time we were here. Grabbing her hand, I look down and nothing comes.

It is then that something happens that I didn't expect. The memories of that day don't seem to come. Memories were never the problem it was always trying to figure out if they were real or not which was. I look up at her and she can see that something is wrong. I look around to try and trigger the memory and it is as if there is nothing there. The beeping of my indicator begins to go off as I feel a slight tremble in my hands.

She covers my hands with hers and then looks out to the lake.

"I can still remember how the birds sung and I had to teach you how to swing. It is just too bad about the lake being frozen," she says with a smile. "I could use a fresher of how you look trying to swim."

A smirk emerges from her face, and I know that she is just doing what she can to get my mind off of what is happening or not happening to me.

"Hey… well you… forget," I say through the trembling that hasn't stopped. "There will… be time for… all that…in a couple of weeks."

I try to stand but find that most of my strength is gone, and I feel Katniss's grip tighten as she helps me on my feet. It has been years but hunting has always kept us in good physical condition. Even so, whenever I have one of these episodes, this small, I have never been this weak afterwards. Something is not right.

We walk inside and help me to the sofa. She walks back outside grabbing the two cups of coco. She places mines on the coffee table and I can see the shivering of her hands as she places it trembling. She lets the cup warm up her hands, and then lifts it to her lips blowing off the steam that is still coming off the coco. Taking a sip she closes her eyes and smiles.

I open and close my hands trying to calm them, trying to get them back to the steadiness that I have grown accustomed to. She sits next to me, and then placing her cup on the coffee table she looks to me. My breathing hasn't gotten any better, and I am having a hard time concentrating on my thoughts. It is as if all of them are all jumbled in there.

"You okay?" she says.

"I…I don't know what is happening," I say. "It is as if…I cannot catch my breath."

She holds my hand in hers and it is there I see how fragile she is, and how totally fragile I am. The Games broke us, and the War hardened us, we have finally found peace, but no one ever told us how to put ourselves back together.

She moves her hand onto her lap and taps it as if to place my head there. I comply and move my head onto her lap. Her hand starts to caress my hair and my breathing loud and deep begin to calm.

"Close your eyes," she says softly to me. The last thing I see is the fire dancing in the hearth. It is then that as I close my eyes I hear her voice start to sing.

"Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Where the dead man called out for his love to flee

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree"

It is the image of her on the television set singing this song. It was something that the doctors in District Thirteen showed me back when I was struggling to understand the memories that were altered. My heart struggling to calm down, until finally it starts to beat at its normal pace.

It was the first time I heard her sing this song ever. It was the first time that thinking of her didn't cause me to have an episode. It was when I realized that her singing caused not only the birds to be at peace but that her singing caused the same peace in me.

I don't remember the rest of the song. In fact I don't remember anything else but her hand on my hair, and the darkness that welcomed me, not in a nightmare, but finally into a much needed rest.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

After all these years I have realized that there are only a handful ways that I love to be woken up. Thinking about it, the first one of course is the way Katniss wakes me up. I don't think that she even does wake me up, I guess it is when I don't feel her with me that my body wakes up. From the moment we got married, it was the best way to wake up every day. This time around though, it is my number three best way of being woken up.

There is a humming in my ears and I recognize it. My eyes slowly open and I see him there. His hair in front of her face as he scribbles something on a piece of paper, his concentration the same as the way I look when I paint. It seems that for him, humming keeps him in that inspired place. For me, it was always just a quick break to close my eyes, and hear her sing, she was always my inspiration and she still is.

He looks up for a moment and I quickly close my eyes pretending to be asleep. When he was younger, he would sing but now that he is older, he thinks that he is just too cool for it, so now he just hums. My eyes finally open and I see him there scribbling. I start to move and he quickly stops me.

"Papa," he says lifting up one finger. "Can you stay still for one more moment?"

I nod, and place my hand back to where it was. It is nice to hear in the background, Lilly singing some sort of song that she probably heard at school. It is odd because both of them are the ages that would terrify my parents. Thomas just turned fourteen, and Lilly is sixteen. They would be eligible for the reaping, and of course if the Capitol was still the way we remembered it, then it would definitely ensure that they would be in the Games. It was one of the reasons why Katniss never really wanted to have children. It wasn't until the last threat was eliminated that she told me that she wouldn't mind having a family.

I think that she had always wanted children but didn't want to suffer like her mother did or like my parents did to watch us go into the arena to probably die.

"There done," he says.

I sit up and he walks over to show me the sketch. It is a very good sketch of me sleeping on the sofa. I place my hand on his hair, and mess it up a little bit.

"Pretty good," I say lifting it up to the light. "Refrigerator good. What do you think Katniss?"

She hasn't made a sound of course, but I can always just know when she is there. This time around is the faint aroma of the soap that she uses. It doesn't give away her position to the game, but it does give her away to me. It is a hint of lavender with rosemary, it is very faint, but it will always reminds me of the bubble bath.

"Definitely refrigerator good," she says walking over behind me and placing her chin on my right shoulder. I turn to my right and she turns to meet my gaze.

"Good morning," I say kissing her. It is still the best feeling in the world. It has always been my anchor in this world. We have been through the Games, survived twenty other tributes trying to kill us, and then survived the Capitol trying to kill again. She was the one who I held onto when I was being tortured and now even now, after the War, and the long walk home from the edge of District Twelve we have held onto each other, and now finally it is just us.

I hand her the drawing and she takes it in her hand.

"Thomas are you done with this one?" she asks.

Thomas looks at the drawing. It takes him a couple of minutes before he can answer. It is almost as if he is trying to imagine what it would look like if it were truly done and if this sketch is the same drawing. Finally he looks up and nods and Katniss looks at it one more time before she retreats to the kitchen to hang it up.

"Lilly," Katniss yells as she comes back into the living room. "Time to get up."

Thomas starts to put away all of the pencils, charcoals, and color pencils in his box. It was the same box that I got from Doctor Aurellis all those years ago. Had to refill the contents a couple of times now, but it is the same thing. The whole thing is basically falling apart but Thomas kept it, after I was going to throw it away.

I try to get up but find that my strength is completely gone, and I have to struggle to get up. Thomas quickly stands and grabs my elbow propping me up. His hands grip my arm and helps me steady myself. My breathing deepens and my vision blurs and I have to close my eyes and concentrate deeply in order to bring everything back into focus.

"Papa," his voice rich with worry.

"I am okay," I say trying to calm his concerns. It wasn't fair for him or Lilly to have to take care of us. It could be the reason why Katniss was at first hesitant on having children. She could remember the years that she had to take care of her family because her mother wasn't all there. Seeing him there helping me, I had always hope that if it was going to one of us that falls apart that it would be me and that Katniss would be the one to finally take care of me.

He helps me to the nearby chair, telling me that he would get his mother. She had always been the strong one, ever since I knew her. The years that we spent in the grip of Capitol, though I started to see that it wasn't her idea to always be this "put together." It was in those alone moments where there was no one around us, that I finally got to see that Katniss was just this fragile little girl that had to always be strong for others.

"Mama," I hear Thomas call out. "Papa is having one of his moments."

It is what we told them. The questions came and we had decided that we wouldn't tell them the specifics but only that we were in a War and that many people died, Katniss's sister and my family included.

I see her come out of the kitchen, wiping her hands off a kitchen towel.

"Hey," I say to her shyly, before mouthing the words 'sorry.'

She puts her shoulder underneath one of my arms and props me up. It hasn't been the same though, ever since, well, ever since we came back from the edge. It started with her just staring out in the fields for a couple of minutes. Then it just became longer and longer. There was this sadness that came over her, a foggy cloud would come over her eyes, and minutes became hours. She just wouldn't talk.

She helps me into the room and then finally sits on the side of the bed with me. Her breathing is hard and deep and I can tell that it is getting harder and harder to keep ourselves together.

"Katniss," I say feeling guilty.

"It's okay," she says cutting me off.

My hand gently grabs hers. She turns and looks at me. The eyes still are the same, and although the years have come and go, she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her hands are so warm, and I had always wondered how it was possible.

"I still can remember the way the fire danced in your eyes in the opening ceremony," I say with a smile. Her face turns a slight tint of red and her eyes move from mines to the doorway. I can hear the footsteps of someone coming. The clinking of the saucer with the cup, and I know that either Lilly or Thomas has made my tea.

"I still think that you put the idea of the hand holding to Cinna," she says putting her hand on my cheek. I turn and kiss it gently and lean in to her ear. It was then that I saw her eyes, and recognized them. For this brief moment, I have had my Katniss back and I had missed her so much that just to see her smile light up the room, I wish I could freeze it.

"How else was I going to win you over?" I whisper in her ear.

She turns to me and then the smile slowly disappears and there is a look I do not recognize. It seems that something inside of her triggered and now all eyes could tell me is something of a fear.

"Are you still happy?" she says.

There is a silence between us. Only a second passes before I even speak.

"The day I saw you when I was five, I was happy," I start to say. "The days after that, I was happy because I saw you at the bakery."

Lilly walks into the room and places the tea in my hands. She turns to walk away from the room, noticing the tone of the conversation. I put my empty hand on hers guiding her to sit down next to me.

"When I went into the games, I got to know you, away from everything, and I was happy then," I say continuing. "When we were in the cave, it felt like a dream, and all through my life, through the bad and good, I still feel happy. The time we spent in our special roof-top garden, I was happy. You have given me so much to be happy about, so yes Katniss, I am still happy."

I turn to Lilly and smile.

"You wanted to know," I say looking at her, remembering the question she had asked a couple of days ago, on how much I loved her mother. Katniss just looks at me and for the first time, I do not know what she is thinking. She turns and grabs the tea and hands it to me. There is a softness though of the way she looks at me now. The sadness for a couple of moment has gone away.

"Drink," she says. "We have to go into the district."

Going into the District? What an odd thing to say. Why would we need to go in. In the winter times, and school is out, we would always come to the house by the lake. It was our true home, after all. When school was in session, we would always go up to the house in the Victor's Village, it was the closet house to the Institute and well the kids would always want to feel as normal as they could. Coming into the District during the Winter is something that we rarely do, unless there was a need for it. We had just gotten all of our supplies a couple of weeks ago, and I remember that all four of us needed to haul the heavy supplies through the forest and watch out for wild dogs. If Katniss needs to go into the District it must be important and if it is important then it is necessary.

She leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead. Drinking my tea, it goes down as smooth as it had always done. It is what had always given me a boost after an episode. Doctor Aurelis had found these plants in District Thirteen and it always had this medicinal properties that help calm me. I honestly think that he laced it with morphling to keep my episodes in check, but the weird thing though, yesterday didn't really feel like an episode. I really don't know what it felt like, but it was something different, that much I can gather. Before I can ask her about the reason to go into the District, Katniss turns to Lilly and Thomas who had just walked into the room.

"Now you kids go and get ready," she says to Lilly and Thomas. "We need to go into the District."

Their eyes just widen at the thought and a smile just crept on their faces. They both let out a small yelp of a cheer and then quickly run out of the room. They always loved going into the District, although they would never admit it, they would love to live in the District full time. She walks over to the door and closes it. It is the way she talked to the children, the way she got them out of the room.

"What's wrong?" I say standing up feeling a little bit better, a little bit more like myself. The warm liquid courses through my body making its way to my legs and then my foot. I steady myself on the ground, and smile because it feels good to not feel dependent on someone.

"Nothing," she says walking over to the dresser. She opens the box and takes out the two indicators. Turning around she hand me mines and puts her around her neck. She is out the door and I am just left there wondering what she isn't telling me.

Something I learned, is that when Katniss really doesn't want to talk, you don't push. I of course don't like to be left in the dark, it always feels as if I do not have control of the situation, reminds me of my own dark days. They are all waiting for me when I finally walk out of the house. Lilly is already walking ahead of us. The snow has been coming down all night and now with the sunlight coming over the tree line, the trekking will be a little bit more dangerous.

I can hear the distant calls of the Mockingjays in the distance. The trees just stand there without leaves, holding up an invisible weight of the snow. I walk next to Thomas and can see him taking out an arrow and placing it on the bow. He looks a lot like her mother walking silently through the snow. The determination in his eyes is the same look that I had always seen in Katniss's eyes when she would go out hunting. His outfit the same as it always was when we went out in the woods, dark jeans, and a dark leather hunting jacket, even his bow was made from the wood of a dark wood. Lilly always was the more free feeling, her hair held in a ponytail by a bright orange and green band. It is though the difference between each of us, Katniss and me, the way the kids had come out.

Once we are outside the fence, everything goes real quiet and we take our usual hunting formations. Lilly has been taking point now ever since she turned sixteen. It was our way of letting her have her independence. She is as sure of a shot as Katniss, and yet I would never admit it, but she is just a little bit more quicker on the draw than Katniss is. The arrow already ready by the string, she scans the trees looking for movement before moving in the direction of the District. It could be the age and the fact that our movements are more confined with all the scar tissue from our injuries, but our once quick movements have become slower and more deliberate.

Katniss of course would always be right behind her. It was odd, but even though we promised ourselves that we would never train them like we were trained, the military training seemed to seep into them. We used the same techniques that we were taught back in District Thirteen. It was the same technique that we used in the Star Squad, when we had to go into an enemy zone. Quickly we make it through the trees catching tracks of wild dogs on the ground and making our path corrections to avoid them. This time of year, the bears and larger predators are still in their homes, sleeping.

The view of the district is something that I never get tired of. Although I love living by the lake, our real home, the district always provided me with some sort of good memories. The walks that Katniss we would have, although we couldn't leave the district were the best ones that I could remember. Just the thought of them, makes me smile. The fence looms in front of us, and even Lilly has to stop and listen. It is odd that now that the Capitol is running more clean energy through the districts the fences are being electrified more and more. After a couple of minutes we conclude that the fence is off and as they are about to go through the hole, Katniss stops them.

"Kids," she says calling their attention.

They both turn around and for the first time looking at them there in their in the early morning sunlight, they both look like a shadow version of us when we were kids. That was what I thought when I saw Lilly's hair glistened through the light, and see the eyes of her mother staring at me.

"Weapons," she says pointing at their bows. It is a habit that Katniss never wanted to break. We never enter our district or any district now that I think of it with weapons. It just brings back too many hard memories, and I think that Katniss just wants to forget.

"Mom," Thomas begins to interrupt. "Do we really…"

"Thomas," I say speaking up. "Listen to your mother and do what she says."

He looks at me and the fire in his eyes, the tense jaw, it is the look of rebellion that I know he gets from both of us. Lately I have been seeing it more and more and I know that something is bothering him, but like Katniss, he doesn't really share all that much. Walking over to him, with my hand out, he hands his bow to his sister and goes underneath the hole in the fence.

Katniss places her hand on my chest stopping me from moving forward. Leaning into my ear she rubs my chest.

"Just give him some space," she says to me.

"I don't understand why won't he tell us what's wrong," I say looking into her eyes.

She nods her head no, and then reaches for my hand.

"Don't worry, he will be fine," she says softly. "A lot on his mind, I guess."

Lilly just looks at us, and I wave her on. She places the bows in the nearby hiding place and then climbs into the District. Thomas is waiting for her on the other side of the fence and I wonder if it is me. It wasn't something that we were expecting, but this year has been difficult for them. As we walk together towards the fence, I feel Katniss fingers laced on mines. The warmth from her palm steadies me and allows me to find peace in that she believes everything will be alright.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The gravel crunches beneath my feet. I never did understand how she did that. Walk on noisy gravel and hardly make a sound. Looking down, I see her feet nestled in dark brown hunting boots. The leather worn and warped, wrapping around her feet as if it was made specifically for her. The crunching noise barely audible, as she places her feet on the gravel, it is almost as if it doesn't even touch. That is the only explanation that I could think of. The fact that her years in the woods, hunting, required her to be like a shadow, moving from place to place without making any sound, without making any impression. It was her life, and even now when they isn't any danger, of animals or people, her feet and her body still tenses as if she is still stuck in the war. I know that feeling, it never truly goes away. The odd thing is that it isn't something you wish to go away; it is something you cling onto to. Almost as if you feel it could all end in a second and that you have to be ready, be ready to react.

It came like a flash, the memory painful and real. I can feel it, the sensation of being followed. My hands tense, and I can feel everything go insanely sharp.

"Breath," I hear in the echoes of my mind. It sounds so sweet, it sounds so relaxing. Her voice always had this effect, even when he had an episode. I close my eyes and focus on the breathing, focus on the memory. It is odd but this is the second time in that many days that this has happened. The episodes that sometimes were triggered by Katniss are now being triggered by something else.

Opening my eyes, I see that nothing has happened but that Katniss has stopped to look at me.

"Are you okay?" she says with a small hint of worry in her voice. The last thing that I need is for her to be worried about me, without any cause. The episode has passed and I am fine now, so why worry her with it.

"I am fine," I say cracking a smile. "Just remembering that time we walked in District Four."

There is a flash of redness in her face and a small smile.

"Sssh," she says. "Not in front of the children."

They both stop and look at us, wondering what happened in District Four. Honestly I wasn't thinking about that, but now that she brought it up, I can feel my face begin to flush with redness.

"Not that," I say whispering. "I meant the first hunting lesson we had."

She smiles and looks away embarrassed. I could tell that she wasn't thinking about that and looking down she realizes the reason why the memory popped into my mind.

"The gravel," I continue. "I could never understand how you could walk so quietly on it."

She purposefully places her feet just a little bit harder on the ground and there I hear the crunching sound of her feet. She tilts her head up in rebellion and we continue walking on the way to the Square.

"But now that you mention it," I say playfully. "I can see why you would be thinking about that specific memory."

I feel the sharp jab from Katniss's elbow and have to quickly shield my ribs from any other painful jabs. She looks at me with a smug look and slowing down just a little I lean in and when our lips meet it was as if both of our breathes were caught up, sucked right through. Time seems to disappear and all I can think of is this moment, and how long and how hard we both fought to get here.

It is then that we hear someone clearing their throat. We of course ignore this, knowing full well that I don't care who sees or not.

"Excuse me," I hear someone say, the familiar voice, the hint of sarcasm in her voice. Even with my eyes closed I know that voice, grew up listening to it, tell me over and over again, how snobbish Merchant people was, even though she was one. She was always there for me, and for me, she will always be one of my closet friends.

The warmth that radiates from the kiss only is intensified by the cool winter wind that has now touched my exposed skin. I feel her hands on my chest slowly push me off and then finally I open my eyes, looking at her. All of my thoughts are jumbled and all I can think of is how much I wish that I could just kiss her again. She pats me on the chest and turns her face with a smile.

"Delly," she says. "Thank you so much for your help."

Turning to face Delly, I wonder what help she is referring to, and what is Katniss planning that she is not telling me. One thing that I have never liked was surprises and especially when it comes with Katniss. Secrets were the one thing that kept us apart and we had always had a no secrets policy between us, even if it isn't always the most positive thing.

"Delly," I say. "Yes, thank you so much for your help. I mean we would totally be lost without it. Did we make it on time?"

Delly's eyes widen and I am sure that I have caught her by surprise. It only confirms what I have already known, that Katniss is keeping something from me. Delly's eyes went from mine to Katniss, seeking telepathically for an answer, but when none was found, her gazed moved back to mines.

"Peeta," Delly stammers out. "Now…you know that I have it on great authority that…that…"

Katniss finally lifts a hand and touches Delly on her arm.

"It is okay," Katniss tells her. "Give me a minute?"

She nods and moves over to Thomas and Lilly who have been waiting for them to move. Delly puts both arms around Thomas and Lilly and whispers something to them before they start to walk towards the Square. Whatever it is seems like that even Delly doesn't want to be here for it.

"You know I can still hear it, it haunts me sometimes, the nightmares that I cannot seem to shake," I say looking at her.

"What?" she says.

"The gunshot," I say fighting hard the emotion that I feel. "That day in District Eleven, the look on the face of that poor man, he haunts me. But you know what really haunts me?"

I look away to the sky and see the pale grey skies that hold back the sunlight. It almost looks like the skies from that day before the reaping. It was the beginning of a dream surrounded in a nightmare. It is the dream of being able to finally get to talk to her, and the nightmare of all the screams and all the blood.

"The fact that it was because of me," I say. "My speech that helps sealed his fate. He was the first one, and every other one that came after was because of me."

Turning back to her I see her gaze has gone to the ground. It is what haunts me. Most of my nights aren't filled with dreams that would bring smiles. No, they have filled with screams and the faces of the dead. I actually sometimes envy the people that can sleep all the way through. Unless I take the medicines that Doctor Aurelius prescribed for me, I would never be able to sleep the five or six hours that I get every night.

She crosses her arms and starts towards the nearby trees. It is the same trees of the memorial, standing tall and many. The trees that symbolizes the fallen planted by the family of the ones who are left behind, or the ones who have passed because of the War, or the Games.

"Katniss," I call out to her, but she quickens her pace trying to get away.

I start to jog to catch her and when I put my hand on her shoulder she finally stops. I turn her around and see the tears in her eyes. She hardly ever cries nowadays, most of the time she just holds it all in. Things have changed and although she isn't the same girl from the Games, deep inside she is the same little girl with the two braids that I fell in love with.

"I am sorry," I say. "I just..."

I close my eyes wishing this was easier.

"You want to know what haunts me?" she says lowly barely registering any sound.

Her hand goes into her pocket and when she brings it back out; I see a very small piece of cloth, that sort of looks like a napkin. It isn't white, but stained in a reddish color. Her eyes look at it attentively, and then after a couple of minutes she lifts it to my eyes.

"It wouldn't stop coming," she says tightening her hand around it. "Last night when you passed out. It...it...it wouldn't stop. I couldn't get you to wake up, and all I saw was your blood coming from your nose. Peeta...I...I...couldn't get you to wake up."

From here I can see that she is noticeably shaken. I walk over to her and finally wrap my arms around her The chill in the air didn't really help the fact that all of her warmth was gone and there in place of it was a shaking fearful little girl that was cool to the touch.

"I can't," she says shaking. "I can't do it…without you."

I notice then what I has been a fear of hers. The two children, the oldest Lilly, and if I wasn't here, it would be the same life that she promised herself she wouldn't go through again. It is as if it is history repeating itself all over again for her. In her mind she sees herself as her mother, and probably that scares it. Hell it probably would scare me, if I realized it. The thing is that Katniss would never be her mother, because I would never let it. Feeling her face on my chest, I know that she doesn't know it, or doesn't really believe it. She is just scared.

"Look at me," I say to her causing her to lift her face from my chest. The redness in her face and I know that this was weighing heavily on her conscience. Her eyes still not on mines, so I place my fingers under her chin lifting her face to me. When my eyes meet her deep grey ones, she tries to say something.

"I…" she says before I interrupt her.

"Look," I say. "I am not going anywhere, and I know that this isn't something that I can promise you, because we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. But something I do know is that I did not fight this hard…no…we did not fight this hard for it to just end like this."

There is a silence, as it seems that everything that we had to go through to get to this moment finally sinks in. The friends that we lost, the pain of the families we had to bury, it is something that we both had to deal with. The worst thing is that it wasn't after years of the in-between. It was all of the sudden and all at once, and that is what I think is the worst thing of it all.

"I don't care about this," I say taking the bloodied piece of cloth. "It will not change the fact that we will grow old together, that we will see our children grow up and get married, and who knows…even become grandparents."

She lets out a small laugh at the thought of grandparents. We had never known what that would be like. I had never met my grandparents, and Katniss doesn't even have pictures of them.

"Okay?" I ask trying to reassure her. "You are not getting rid of me that easy."

Her arms finally wraps around my waist and squeezes tight. She lowers her head on my chest and there she lets out a deep sigh. My arms wrap around her small frame until my fingers lace together. Here is the memorial park of the fallen we just stand there listening to the wind go through the wood and metal chimes making their own unique melody.

"Although," I say trying to lighten the mood. "I was going to tell you that I was thinking of growing out my beard, and who knows you might not want me around."

There is a moment of silence. I push back to see her face.

"Well," I say.

She puts up a finger to her mouth.

"I'm thinking," she says seriously.

"Oh," I say. "Your thinking huh."

In a matter of a quick second, I start to tickle causing her to let out a yelp of surprise which followed with her trying to squirm out of my arms. Just as she is about to get free I grab onto her wrist which of course is not the smartest thing to do because I didn't notice the slippery grass. Before I could steady myself on my leg, my other one slipped from under me.

The hard thud of the ground knocked the wind out of me and as she lied on top of me I could only manage a laugh through the pain. Her hair tickles my face and there on the ground all I can think of is how lucky I am.

"Second time you knocked me down on the ground," I say calling the memory of her running through the snow. It was the first day of the Victory Tour and of course back then it was all a strategy for her but real for me. "I do wish though that it was snow under me and not the hard icy ground."

We help each other up and finally after a cold morning at home, the silent walk through the woods and then the fight in the District I finally see a true smile. It is like the smile that she use to give me when I would bake her cheese buns, or the time I took her to my favorite place in the woods to think. It was the same smile that she gave me that time...

That is odd, I can see it, the memory but it is so far away that I cannot get to it.

"I wanted to tell you," she starts to apologize.

"Then do," I say forgetting what I was thinking about. "Why is Delly here and don't tell me it was just so happen that she was walking by."

"I called her," she finally admits. "But only after I tried all night to get to wake up."

I look closely now at her face and see the tired rings around her eyes. It must have been from not sleeping all night. I lift my hand to her cheek.

"Still taking the night shift watching me," I say."You didn't get any sleep?"

"I did," she says. "Got Thomas to look after you a couple hours while I took a nap."

It hits me right there and then. The reason why he was so angry at me. It is a natural reaction to situations when you have no control over, anger is definitely the way I have gone before.

"Is that the reason why Thomas," I start.

She nods yes.

"Pretty hard to see your hero there weak," she says. "Scared him...scared me too."

She lifts both her hands to her face letting out a grunt of frustration. She definitely needs to sleep. I grab her hand and tighten my grip around her soft hand.

"Come on," I say."Let's get to the house so you can get some sleep."

"No," she says forcefully. "Not until we know what happened and how to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I didn't come all this way to sleep."

"So where are we off to," I say trying to smile.

"The institute," she says. "They are waiting for you."

She tugs at my hand and with some reluctance I allow myself to be guided to the Institute. Walking alongside with her I can't help but remember what she said. That I couldn't wake up and that I was bleeding from my nose. I know that it might be connected to the fact that I am forgetting more and more. It isn't like before where I remembered everything but it was off, now I am not even getting the off, it is as if it isn't even there in the first place.

The walk is quicker than usual. We really don't like to bring attention to ourselves, although it doesn't really matter, people still whisper. Even now after all these years, after the fall of the Capitol, some close minded people wish they could go back to that life, they blame us for everything that has happened.

There in the distance is two older women sitting on a porch, rocking away as the cool wind continued to move through the houses. They both looked up at us and Katniss does something that she had never done before. It happened before I could tug her away, her grip tighter than before.

"Good morning," she says politely.

"Good...morning," one of the older woman said. They both looked like they might come from other Districts. After the implementation of the Inclusion Act, people from every District had the opportunity to relocate to a different District if they wanted to. These two women look like they might have been from District Seven or maybe even District Eleven.

"Did you by chance see Delly walk by two kids," Katniss says.

She looked to her and finally says.

"Your William's daughter aren't you," she says. "Lilly and William oldest. The one who..."

Katniss of course interrupts them before she finds out what they think of her. It is odd to hear that someone even knows Katniss's father. The way she mentioned William it is almost as if she knew him. The only reason why I even know it was because of Thomas. Katniss gave him William as a middle name, and Lilly's middle name was Prim. It was her way of never forgetting the three people that meant the world to her.

"Yes, I am her," she says. "Did they pass by here?"

The other woman begins to stand up, easing the thick comforter from her lap. She looks down the street and lifts up her finger to point.

"They passed by here probably fifteen minutes ago heading for the Square," she says."The girl said something about a pink cupcake?"

Katniss nods and thanks them for their help. They stand there staring at us as we walk off.

"You know Lilly always was like her aunt," I say to Katniss. The memory of Prim, in the beginning brought pain to her, but after seeing Lilly grow up and the many similarities of Prim in her, now it actually brings her a small smile, like the one she is giving me now.

"Know what that means," Katniss say with a sly look in her eyes. "Cheese buns from the bakery."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

There is always a happy tone in her voice when we go to the Bakery. It was the happiest place that she could think of in the District. When you really think about it, the old house where Katniss grew up with Prim and her mother was too hard of a place to go and visit. It was renovated about ten years ago and in an act that could only be described as something that Katniss would do, she gave it back to the District so that someone else can live in it. She would always tell me that it was just a house, and the memories were all up in her mind, the good and of course the bad.

The Bakery though, it was a place that she had come with her sister to get breads and of course later to sneak a cupcake here or there. After it was burned to the ground in the attack of District Twelve, it was rebuilt as a symbol that although gone, it will never be forgotten. It was what rallied the whole District to come back from the brink of destruction after the War. Now it sits run and operated by people from the Institute who come from other Districts to learn the tools and trade that they so desired to learn. I never knew how many people wanted to become bakers. It always make me laugh.

The streets have very few people on them. There are still the some workers of the nearby shops walking as it is still very early. We walk until the view of the Justice Building comes to view. The columns jet up from the ground as if it is growing from the ground, holding the glass boxes in the sky. In front of the Justice Building sits a fountain that was built in what would have been the 100th Games as a symbol that there would never be another Reaping in District Twelve. It was one of the last acts of the then Mayor, my friend Thom.

The businesses that surround the fountain all have bright colors and porches for people to be able to sit in front of. The now bare trees, when spring comes around will burst with color, complimenting the style of the buildings. In the summer time, the fountain benches are removed and the fountain becomes a sort of fun place for kids to run through the jets of water. I still remember those days.

I stop her and she turns to look at me.

"Do you remember, when Lilly was six and Thomas was only four and we came here," I say bringing her close to me. It was such a happy memory that I always held it close to my heart.

"You mean the day they ran through the fountain so many times, that we thought for sure that they would never leave?" She counters with a smile.

It was what they asked all day, it was what they wanted. So that day we packed up a good picnic and headed from the house at the Victor's Village over to the Square. They couldn't help it, they ran as fast as their little legs could laughing, filled with happiness. The way the warm breeze moved through the trees, I can still remember it like it happened yesterday.

"Remember how happy they were," I say hearing the bell ring of a door opening. I can just see the Bakery, and can see people coming and going. It has become a popular place to get bakery goods and coffee. The strong smell of the coffee bean tugs at our noses and we are for a moment looking over at the Bakery.

"What do you say, we take a small vacation over to your Mothers?" I say.

She smiles and nods before we continue to walk over to the Bakery. The benches are still outside, where people sit and just people watch. It is the newer things that I wish we could have had back when my family was still alive. It was those things that I think might have changed the way my mother thought about the District. Once at the door, I still can see the picture of the tree that I painted for him. He hung it so proudly and wouldn't let me my mother take it down. It is like the drawings that litter our walls, Katniss would never take them down, or give them away, they will forever be hung there as a symbol of how much we are proud of them.

The bell chimed as we walked inside. The young girl behind the counter looks up and waves are us.

"Good morning," she says. "Welcome to the Mellark Bakery."

She is new probably only a couple of years older than Lilly. We wave at her and walk over to Lilly and Thomas sitting at a table with Delly.

"So," Delly says carefully. "Everything...okay?"

I nod and playfully nudge her.

"You know," I say. "You are my friend first."

"I know, but I am their Aunt first," she says placing her arms around both Lilly and Thomas, who of course are eating their fill of sugar. I drop a finger on the icings of Lilly's pink cupcake. She of course gives me a look of disbelief, and all I can do is smile. Bringing up the icing to my lips, I make a detour and place the icing squarely on the tip of Katniss's nose.

She lets out a sigh of relief as she reaches for a napkin on the center of the table. I stop her hand and lean in to kiss the tip of her nose, causing her to wriggle it.

"Yum," I say. "Always loved icing, but now I love it even more."

"Delly," Katniss says getting a napkin and removing the rest of the icing that I missed. "Is everything ready?"

She looks at me and then her eyes look at the kids. It is true that I know the reason why Katniss called Delly, but I have still no clue what we are doing here or what Delly is doing to help us. The way she looks at the children, it is obvious that she is asking should we tell the children. I look over to Katniss and she nods no.

"Well kids," Katniss starts to get up. "You okay if we go with Auntie Delly to the Institute?"

Thomas and Lilly both nod. Katniss places her hand on mines and gives me a nod to get going. I stand and rustle Thomas's hair. He looks at me for a second and then finally smiles.

"When I get back," I say to them both. "Will you help me convince your mother to go see your Grandmother?"

They both look at each other and then back to us with a smile. They know exactly what that means, and that District Four at this time of the year is not winter at all. They love visiting their grandma and always beg to stay just a little bit longer. Katniss's mother never says no and always asks if we could stay longer.

We walk outside and then I look over to Delly and Katniss.

"So," I say. "Seeing how it is my injury, don't you think I should know the plan?"

Delly looks to Katniss and she lets out a sigh and nods for her to tell me.

"Well, we have the doctors waiting for you at the institute to take a couple of umm…test," she says nervously. "But don't worry, it is totally safe."

Katniss looks at me and places two hands on mine. She could see my apprehension for any kind of tests, especially when it comes to my mind. The nightmares of that place, the look of doctors all around me. It is the things that they did, that almost killed me, and now it seems continue to try.

I feel the thumb of her finger rub my palm. It is our sign, that everything will be okay. I look at her and know that she would never let anything happen to her family, just like I wouldn't. It is the reason why she didn't tell me, because she knew I wouldn't go. I hate hospitals, and worst of all, I hated Doctors. The only one that I liked, well there were two actually, Katniss's mother and Doctor Aurelius. Every year, I have had to go, first to the Capitol for the first couple of years, and then finally District Four, when I couldn't stomach the Capitol any longer. They were always trying to reverse what Snow did to me and although the medicines have gotten better at suppressing the attacks, the episodes have come back more frequent.

"From injections, to pills, to crèmes, to finally a tea," I say to Katniss. "What more can they do? Even Doctor Aurelius last time I talked to him, was beginning to lose hope. He didn't really say it, but we are all thinking it."

I turn away from them and begin to walk. I mean, I can't go back, I can't. I have worked and worked and worked, to be better, to keep myself, you know, to be myself again. I don't know, what to do, how can I go back? I can't, my hands, they can't do that again.

I feel her hand on my shoulder. I close my eyes and finally stop walking, stop thinking, and just stop. I look down at my hands shaking, I can't lose control, I can't hurt her. I won't. I feel her hands move down my arms and then to my hands. I can feel her pressed on my back. Even through the thick jacket, I can still feel her, can feel her presence behind me.

"I don't want to go back," I say. My mouth is moving but my mind isn't controlling it. I sound like a lunatic, and it is always the same thing whenever they want to run any test. I start to pace and Katniss has to make sure to always be next to me. She has done everything from distracting me with stories, to kissing me, to keep my mind from realizing that is happening at the moment.

"You won't," she says. "I am here with you, just like you said, you are not going anywhere."

It is the truth, she is here, and I should be thankful for it. But it is like I can't get this one memory out of my mind. The rage that was building up so much, that I lost it, and all I can see is my hands around her throat. I didn't know. I didn't know. What…what, they did. I can't go back.

Focus. Peeta. Focus. Listen to her breathing. Let your mind come to a place where you can control it.

"I don't want to lose control," I say struggling through the words. It is hard but I can feel her around me. It is a safe place to be. She is my safe place. It is the place that I would go when I was there. To escape the pain, the torture, my safe place was her, to our house by the lake. It kept me going, it kept me from going over the edge.

"You won't, because I won't let you," she says coming around to me.

"I can still feel it," I say. "The things they did, and the things that I did."

"Peeta," she says. "I promise, I will be with you the whole time."

I look at her, and I know that she will keep her promise. It isn't that I do not want her there, it is that I scared every morning, that something will happen, and that suddenly I won't have the medicine to keep it away. I don't want to lose her, even if it means that I cannot be near her.

"Okay," I say.

The walk towards the Institute was short and very uneventful. The pounding of my heart though counted every step I took towards them. The white coats and the eye glasses. The clean hallways and the clipboards. The needles and the machines that beeped when you move. It is sometimes the worst feeling in the world, the hospitals. Good thing we had the kids in our home with Katniss's mother and a nurse, I don't think that I could have made it in a hospital.

The research and development wing of the Institute was constructed a couple of years ago, to fund research into making alternate means of energy. It was a vision that many of the people from our District had. The fact that the coal from the nearby mountains would bring heat into the homes of others, it was necessary to find a way to do safely. Plus District Twelve never had a hospital, the most we could have hoped for, was a healer that lived in the Seam. I know that she would never admit it, but I suspect that Katniss would have wanted her mother to come back home, when they finally opened.

The hallways are white and very bright. It is the same hallways that hospitals have, the same lights. They look the same, I can feel my heart begin to beat harder and my breathing begins to short in between. I feel my hands tighten and then can hear her begin to hum a tune. I turn to her and see that she is smiling.

"Remember that time we were out in the woods," she says. "And we spent the day just singing out songs to the Mockingjays?"

It was a couple of years ago when Katniss's mother had come to visit. She spent the day with the children taking care of them. It was the first time in a while that we were finally able to go out alone, enjoy some time together. We of course snuck out of the house running to the nearest exit when given the chance. With a picnic in tow, we made it to a clearing, setting the bows to the side we placed a blanket on the ground and just spent the day like we did back in the roof-top garden of the Training Center.

At first all we did was watch the sunlight trickle through the trees and play the game of locating the nearest game by sound. The thing is that after a while all we heard was the Mockingjays. I could still feel her arms grab mine as she took a small nap. My fingers intertwined in hair as she napped next to me. It is then that saw a small little Mockingjay land on a nearby branch. The little bird just looked at me, as if waiting for me to sing. At first I just started to hum the songs that I knew, but after a while it just looked me waiting for a song.

It was then that I heard her move just a little.

"You have to sing to them, if not they cannot join in," she says.

"Can't," I admit.

"Come on," she urges me. "You have done it before."

I don't know or even how I did it but something inside of me just stirred and I started to sing the first verse of the Hanging Tree. The bird just looked at me and then as if on cue, it started to mimic the tone. We spent the next hour just singing back and forth verses that we knew and some that we made up.

"I still think everything went silent when you sang," I say looking at her. She turned and smile, before nudging me with her shoulder. It was the truth, and though she would never do it publicly, her singing always made everything better.

"How's it going Sweet…Heart," a surly voice says, emphasizing on the word heart. The rudeness behind it always was his signature, sober or not. Even the word 'sweetheart' was always banned from my lips. Once I called her that, in a loving matter, and of course she didn't see that way and I spent the next couple of days sleeping on the sofa. The word always has this sting to it, never genuine but always condescending.

He stands at the end of hallway obviously upset because it was early morning and he was probably dead drunk. His good mornings are always in the afternoons, and by then he is a little bit less sour. It could be the reason why he used the word that irritates Katniss, seeing how she would be the only one to call him.

"I am fine, Haymitch" Katniss says with a strong tone. "How are you?"

"I am fine Sweetheart, but what is up with the limping" he says pointing to me. "Doesn't surprise me though, we have all had our limps and bruises."

"Want another," Katniss says.

He just lets out a smirk and opens the door for us as we walk toward him. It is the relationship that we have had grown into with Haymitch. He has been our mentor for years and even now after the uprising and the War, we have continue to be friends. Although the banter sometimes there is a fine line that one always crosses and of course I have to be the referee.

Once we are through the door, the tension is palpable. Two doctors and three nurses all greet us there in the large room. There are no monitors, there are no machines, but only the lovely clipboards that they always have, but oddly enough no white coats. The one who spoke up seemed to be the oldest of the group, the small hint of the grey hairs reminds me a little of Doctor Aurelius.

"Mr. Mellark, Mrs. Mellark, Mr. Abernathy, please have a seat," the doctor gestures to the nearby sofa. I look over to her and she gives me a reassuring squeeze of the hand. We walk over to the sofa and as I sit down, the doctors sit on the chair opposite to us.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

They sit there silently at first. Two male doctors and one female. The nurses stood behind them looking at us with a smile. They ask us if we wanted anything to drink, and when Katniss is the only one to answer for all of us, she begins to remove the bloodied piece of cloth from her pocket. I had forgotten that she still had that thing.

"It happened yesterday," she says handling them the cloth. "He had a mild episode and when he went to sleep I put his head on my lap stroking his head. I must have passed out because when I woke up, I saw my entire lap was filled with blood."

I could feel my hand tense at the thought of what she had to go through. The image in my mind, the horror that I think it would cause if our positions were reversed, I don't know if I would have been able to keep myself calm. I can still remember the nightmare, seeing Lilly there lying in the streets of the Capitol in an alternate universe where the War was still going and I wasn't there to save them. The only thing that could help me in this moment, Katniss did, as she leaned in and kiss me on the cheek.

"It is okay," she says stopping to reassure me that she was okay. "I tried for a couple of hours to wake him up and had to place this cloth under his nose to get the blood to stop."

All three started to take notes of what Katniss was saying, before stopping to examine the cloth. It is a small piece of white cloth that has been soaked to become red as scarlet. I try to remember what Katniss was wearing the night before but it is all foggy and I guess I wasn't paying attention.

"Make sure to get this examined," one of the doctors said handing the cloth to a nurse who in turns walks out the door. "Please continue."

"Well that is it," she says. "When the blood finally stopped, I checked on him every fifteen minutes to make sure that he was breathing. When he finally woke up in the morning I was in the kitchen."

They turn to me after writing everything down. Their motions are deliberate and very slow. Of course Delly and Katniss has made them aware of my love for doctors and tests so they always had their own way of talking to me as if I was going to lunge at them from here to kill them. The reports have been sent from District Thirteen and of course Doctor Aurelius on how to approach a person who has been hijacked by the Capitol. I can remember the day Doctor Aurelius showed me the file on me, with the procedures. He couldn't help but laugh at the fact that a whole procedure had to be created in order to treat me. At that point I didn't know if I was supposed to be insulted or feel important. I can still see them, the bullet points.

No sudden movement: patient is prone to flashbacks and suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Explanation of everything up front: due to the experimental torture, patient has to be advised ahead of time of all procedures as to avoid any episodes that are triggered because of the PTSD.

Important note: Katniss has to be present if any injections are to be administered

That last one always made me smile. It was a rule that she needed to be at my side every time there was an injection. It was a clause that I would have added myself if I could. I guess he understood that Katniss kept me together when all I wanted to do was fall apart. The slow movements that the doctors are doing now, lets me know that they are following part of the protocol for treatment.

"Peeta," one doctor says. "My name is Edward, I specialize in the physical aspect of your brain, and if you are able I have some questions for you."

I nod and he places the clipboard on the table.

"My assistant will be taking notes," he says before continuing. "In the recent weeks or months have you had changes in sleep patterns, or headaches, dizziness?"

I try to think the last couple of weeks. It hasn't been hard to sleep and no dizziness to remember. Not even any type of headaches, the cold winter weeks have been okay, just a small cold that he quickly got over.

"Honestly, I haven't had any trouble sleeping," I say. "Or had any headaches or dizziness."

The other doctor, the woman, speaks up and asks me a couple of questions that are more psychological in nature. It seems that each of the doctors here have specific areas of study and they are more than likely have been under the training of Doctor Aurelius.

"Sarah and it is a pleasure to meeting you," she says. "A question on your episodes. The current prescribe treatment of the powder form of the new experimental medicine. When did you start taking it?"

"A couple months now," I say looking over to Katniss for verification. She nods and I turn back to her to confirm the time frame.

"And no episodes?" she says. "No triggers? No fits of uncontrollable rage?"

"Haven't had an episode in a while," I say. "Well without this one that just happened. It wasn't even a trigger, like a memory, but it was odd, it was the lack of one."

She looks up from her writing, intrigued. "What do you mean, lack of one."

"That is the thing," I say. "We were talking about a past memory that I am sure we had experience, and I couldn't remember it. It was that feeling that caused it. I think."

She turns to her assistant and says something to her that I could not hear. It was only when she turned back that she explained.

"I have asked for your most recent MRI," she says. "We would have to take another one, but this time with stimuli, or with you trying to remember that specific memory."

The immediate thought. Last time they had a MRI done, they had to knock me out and even then it took a while for them to administer the anesthesia. This time around it would be with me awake and in a long narrow tube, something that we tried and couldn't.

"How would we be able to do this?" Katniss breaks in. "Peeta wouldn't be able to. Not in a narrow tube. Not for long at least. There has to be another way."

Both Haymitch and myself try to calm her down even though she should be trying to reassure me. She turns to me and I can see the worry, I can see the tiresome look in her eyes. It is the same look that I remember getting from my father every morning as the Reaping came closer and closer. It is the eyes of someone who loves you enough to worry about you every day. She looks tired and more than that, she looks like she deserves better than this, better than a person who is broken and can't seem to get fixed. Placing my hand on her cheek, I smile at her.

"I will be fine," I say looking at them. "If that is the only way, then let's get this over with."

She squeezes my hand, and I look over to her. It is a sadness to realize you might have taken someone's life away from them. Would she have been happier with Gale, I wonder. Looking at her there, have I been selfish? My dream was her, and this family that we have had always been what I had always wanted. Every birthday, every Christmas, I would never ask for anything but my family, our family meant the world, but sometimes when it is quiet and it is dark and I cannot sleep, I wonder if she made the right choice.

"Just stay with me," I say to her.

"Always," she says with a smile, not missing a beat. They all looked at us, unsure what that meant, No one but us, knew what that meant, and how much it meant to each of us. It is when I think she realized just how much I love her.

"When can we get this done," I say. "Not that I am eager to get into a small enclosed tube that feels like a coffin."

The other doctor opens up a binder and starts to leaf through it. It takes almost a minute before he stops and points at a spot on the page. Looking up he says that we have two options, one would be in three days in District Four, or tomorrow in the Capitol. He explains that although we have a machine here, we do not yet have the medical doctors to perform any type of surgery should the need arise and urgency requires them to do so. That last comment is as if everything has become real, and serious.

I look at her, and then I know what to say.

"Three days," I say. "We will be in District Four."

It does allow us to keep our promise of going to visit Katniss's mother. It will be a good way to keep our minds off what I need to do.

"We will check the enzymes in the specimen that you provided, and if it is nothing then we can check the current medicine being provided and see if we can't alter it to help control the new symptoms," she says. "Do you by chance have the current powder?"

Katniss releases my hand and reaches into her bag, pulling out a small container that she had filled with the powder. They grab it and send it off with the assistant for analysis.

"We will get everything prepared for you," the doctor says. "In the meantime, make sure to keep the stress level down, and in case of anything…"

The doctor moves to a case and slowly moves it to Katniss. The metal case just stands there staring at me.

"Inside is a needle filled with adrenaline," she says. "It is only as a last resort, should your…"

There isn't any need to finish the sentence, we know when this would be used. It is only when my heart stops that Katniss would use it. Good thing though because if I was awake for it, I probably would flip out. Guessing that is the reason why Haymitch is here.

"It is okay," she says moving the case back. "I won't be needing it."

Haymitch and me start to object to her, but she stands and thanks the Doctor for their time, and walks outside the room. I walk behind her through the door and find her almost down the hall before I am able to catch up to her. She of course is adamant on not having that case with us at all. That I will be fine and that there would be no need for it. She knows my love for needles so it is an odd thing that I am the one telling her that it is just a precaution and that it doesn't mean anything.

"You don't understand," she says. "I wouldn't be able to, even if we did take it. Would you?"

There are no tears, it isn't an emotional response it is for her the truth. I just stand there unable to respond, because I don't think I could.

I shake my head no, and with a smile I offer my hand to her. "Like you said, we won't be needing it, so why carry something so heavy. Well of course it would be me having to carry it, because I wouldn't let you, even if you asked. Plus, we have to take our beach wear and I for one will not be taking some large metal case with an umbrella."

"Umbrella?" She says raising an eye brow. "Why would we need an umbrella?"

"Well I don't want to be red as a tomato," I say. "Especially if I decide to grow out my bread. Can you imagine me all red as a tomato with a blonde beard?"

She wriggles her nose as her way of saying no. This is what makes our relationship work. It could all be going straight to hell, and inside our little world it is just me and her and it is wonderful. It is like the time we dance in the house of the Victor's Village, when the Capitol called her to trail for the killing of President Coin, it was just us in the middle of our living room dancing.

"You still thinking about growing that thing out?" she says with a smirk.

"I was thinking about it," I say bringing her close to me and kissing her on her nose. "You know I love you right?"

She stands on her tip toes and kisses me softly on my lips. It is enough to bring a warm feeling inside that radiates through every skin pores. I swear I could just spend house kissing her and it would be enough for me.

"Now you see, if you would have been this way all the time back when it counted, then who knows what would have happened," Haymitch says from a distance.

"The shouldof wouldof couldofs, they are nasty little things, I know we all suffer from them Haymitch," Katniss calls back as she grabs my hand. "The thing is not to get stuck in them."

As we walk outside the medical wing of the Institute, she turns to me and I can see the beautiful smile that comes from a genuine happiness.

"Come on, let see the ocean again," she says walking back towards the Square. There is a happiness in her step, and it is because we have this moment, we have been told to be this way and then that way, and now we are no longer children and if we want to, we can just live in the moment.

Once we walk back to the Bakery, we find that Delly is outside with both Thomas and Lilly. Thomas has his sketch book open and Lilly is talking with Delly about the her classes and life outside of District Twelve. Once we are close enough, Lilly darts off her seat in front of the Bakery and once she is close enough reaches out to grab me. Her arms wrap around me so tightly that I wonder if she is even breathing or not.

"Hey little monkey," I say. "Guess what?"

She looks up at me wondering what I am going to say.

"We are going to visit your Grandma today," I say. "You ready to get on the train?"

She smiles and nods.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"What do you think?" I tell her. "Thomas come over here."

He finally walks over to me.

"Kids," I say to both of them. "I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I scared you both like that. I promise you that everything is going to be okay and that I am not going anywhere, but the ocean. Okay?"

Thomas after standing a couple of feet from me, finally hugs me and I can tell that we are going to be okay. Standing up with both my children still holding onto me, I look to Katniss and smile. Lilly of course pulls in her mother and there we are all holding each other.

"Are you finally going to come here or what?" I say opening my arm and she finally comes into the hug pulling in Delly who finally wraps her arms with all of us.

It is our own dysfunctional family and although no one from the outside can understand it, we understand each other.

The whistle from the train finally separates us, and we all just look at each other excited to get on the train. We look to Delly and she tells us that everything was reserved as soon as the decision was made back in the Institute. The next train we could possibly get on if we would like, but that the next one is the one that has been reserved for us.

We decide to take the next train so that we can go to the house over at the Victor's Village to get anything we might need.

"Dell would you consider coming with us?" Katniss asks. "I know the kids would love to have their Aunt."

She looks at us and then at the kids who are nodding in approval. It is odd but although Delly is not really related to us, she became our family when she we needed her the most. Katniss had always known that Delly was my close friend and that even though I was suffering from the effects of what the Capitol did to me, she was the only one who didn't walk on egg shells with me, but spoke to me like she had always done. I think that it was the reason why I knew that Delly was real back then, she wasn't ever nice to me, but she was honest.

"We will see," she says. "I may need to take care of some things, but I can pass by tomorrow or the next day. You will still be there right?"

It is the question that we all know the answer to. In three days we will know whether or not everything is okay and if not, a decision would have to be made. But in the meantime, I have my family and in that, I have everything that I had always wanted.

We walk back hand everyone towards the Victor's Village. The grey skies do not look all that bad now, just a little grey.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

We had walked this way countless times. The road up to the Victor's Village, although has changed over the years still feel like it did back the first time we both walked up to our homes. It was right after the dinner with the then Mayor Undersee and his family. It was nice, to think of them, even though they died in the uprising. They were always nice to my father, coming in almost every morning to buy pastries for his staff. It was the kind of person he was, the fact that he never spoke up, wasn't because he didn't have opinions or that he was scared, he was only protecting his family, his wife and his only daughter Madge.

Madge was always a friend to Katniss even though she never really realized it. We all grew closer, well as closer as we can with the pending Victory Tour and everything happening in the other Districts we saw less and less of Mayor Undersee. That day though I can still remember it. It wasn't the big celebration that the Capitol threw us after we won the Games. This was only a dinner with the Mayor's family and ours. The conversation was all about the District the Games were never mentioned. There was only one small comment, but it was more of a thank you for winning, because of the parcels that would come once a month. It was where I first came up with the idea for part of the food storage for the institute. The way Mayor Undersee would never waste food and provide all uneaten food to his staff it was what I remembered when Prim died, how she wanted to help everyone. How she gave her food to the cat that she loved so much.

"Now you see, although it is customary to make a large celebration to welcome back our own," Mayor Undersee starts. "We are a little bit different here in District Twelve, so I felt an intimate dinner would be more preferable."

"Thank you so much Mayor," I say. "We definitely would prefer a quiet evening instead."

Once the dinner was served, the conversation was light and focused on the Harvest festival. "It was said that this year the crops will be plentiful. Will we be seeing the famous Thomas Mellark bakery presenting their wonderful cakes this year?"

My father was in between a bite when my mother finally chimed in of course and mentioned that they work tirelessly every year for this moment. That it is their honor and privilege to be part of District Twelve. My mother could always be counted on to try and steal the limelight. Although if given the opportunity she would definitely leave the district. The conversation was so cold though between Katniss and myself back then. With the lack of cameras and Capitol officials the romance angle of course was downplayed. It was a horrible night, and it was only made that much more difficult when we had to leave.

"Oh I almost forgot," Mayor Undersee said reaching into his pocket. "Here are the keys to your new home in the Victor's Village. Do you know how to get there?"

I had never been there before or even knew what street to take to get there. Mayor Undersee ushered us to the nearby window where he pointed out the street to take. Once there we could see the flashes of the photographers and even the hint of a television crew. Would the buzzard ever leave us to die in peace, I wondered back then. It would mean that not only would we have to play up a fake romance but that we would have to walk together to our new homes.

I can see now from the look that Katniss gave me back then, that she was definitely not looking forward to the cameras. It put me in a situation where I had to choose between what I wish I could do and what I was brought up to do. The pain in my heart back then I wanted to walk outside in front of the cameras and have her have to pretend but like everything in life, my father's voice always echoed on the fact that the right thing is usually never the easy thing.

"Mayor Undersee," I say clearing my throat.

He looks back from the window. "Yes Mr. Mellark," he says with a clear voice.

"Does this house have a back door," I say. Katniss's eyes looked over to me and I can see that in her eyes, those passionate grey eyes, that a thank you is being said, or at least that is what I had always hoped for. The Mayor however doesn't quite understand the reason behind the request so I quickly continue. "My mother isn't feeling all that well and I would prefer to not have her be seen in that light in front of the cameras."

He nods and signals for the attendant to come over.

"If you could escort both the Mellarks and Everdeens over to the private exit," he says and the attendant nods while starting to guide them down the stairs. "Now once you are outside, take a right and then through the gate, it should get you outside about three blocks west of here and in front of the main road towards the Victor's Village. Your home Katniss would be the first one and yours Peeta would be the one next to hers. The Capitol felt it necessary for the sake of the relationship to have both homes by each other."

The attendant moves to gather everyone and then as we leave the Mayor's house we do have to walk side by side but not holding hands. It was the first time that we walked towards the houses over at the Victor's Village. We didn't talk but the moonlight washed over her. There was a sense of relief in the way her facial expression as the lamps caused it to go from light to dark. We of course walked in the front of the group of our families who wanted to join us to see where we were going to live.

Once we were in the corner of our homes she handed her little sister Prim her key and told her to go on up to the house with her mother. For some reason my family had done the same although I had already given my key to my father once we got outside the Mayor's house. She stood there looking at me.

"Go on up, I will be right there," I say to them as they look back. I can see my father ushering them away from us. To them, it is what everyone else thinks it is. That we are madly in love and need time alone. Her face in the lamp light looks sort of reddish. Could she be blushing? Before I can take a closer look she looks down towards the ground.

"It is nice that we have these beautiful homes now," I say trying to create some sort of talk with her. Although my heart is broken and I could only think about that it really didn't mean anything and it was all basically a trick. Then all of the sudden she looked up and kissed me on the cheek.

"Thank you for what you did back at the Mayor's house," she says and then quickly turns around and walks back up to her home.

Now that we are coming up on the entry way of the Victor's Village, the ivy has grown around the entry way and up the arch way. The cobble stone on the street has been worn to look as if it had been there for years, and some of it has, but most of it was replaced after the bombing. The large trees now hug the road and make it almost as intimate an entrance one of those old Capitol cottages. All the houses are now lived in most of the time, with the exception of one. In the beginning it was half here and half at the lake, and now as time slowly progress it was now more at the lake than here in the District. The bushes and bushes of primroses now adorn the entrance of our house with a small white picket fence in front.

I stop right in front of the corner. My hand tightens around hers and then I pulled her. The kids continue to walk up to the house but suddenly stop to look back at us. Katniss looks at me and smiles. I look over her shoulder and then call out.

"You go on ahead, we will be right there," I say. Her face starts to turn just a brighter shade of red. It was the same exact thing that happened the first time we came up to the Victor's Village. Her hands are still warm in the cool air and I can feel her heart from here.

"Now you see, that is the same thing that happened the first time," I say. Which of course caused the blood to rush up to my face. I don't know why, but sometimes I still get nervous around her, even though we had been married for years, and we basically know each as close as a husband and a wife does. I guess she can still bring it out of me, you know, those moments where you still feel the butterflies. I wonder why they never seem to leave the stomach, but always stay there waiting to cause your heart to almost stop, and the ability for your smile to get wider and wider, when you think about it.

"Oh yeah?" she says lifting her head to look at my eyes. They look happy, this time and for the first time it is almost normal. "And what else happened the first time?"

I stand there looking at her, and can see the kids had already started to walk up to the house. They sit on the porch of the house and just wait for us there. It is nice to see some things never change, and although the years pass there are always things that will remain true.

"Well you declared your undying love for me right here on this corner," I say.

She of course knows this is a lie, but still lets out a loud laugh.

"That might have happened in an alternate universe where night is day and up and down," she says leaning into me. "But you are right about one thing."

My arms tighten around her waist and I can see her standing on her tippy toes looking close to me. The way she use to do when we were just getting to know each other. Those were the days where it was just the conversation between two people who couldn't get enough of knowing everything about the other. Most of the time it was me asking all these questions, to verify something that I was unsure of, or to know something that I had always wanted to know. This time around though, my curiosity is a little peaked on being right about one thing.

"Yeah," I say lowering my voice. "What's that?"

She looks away and I know that it is a little difficult to say.

"I saw a glimpse of how much you cared for me," she says. "And how much I hurt you."

It was there that I realize that we still haven't really taken all of the shadows out of our relationship. There are still moments that we have hidden from the other, and not on purpose but just because it was easier to forget than to have to explain them. To the other person might have been easier to explain but to yourself, I guess it is the most difficult, because it means you have admit to yourself that you might have done something wrong.

"Hey," I say bringing up my hands to her face cupping them there. "I am good. We are good. Okay?"

She nods and then looks towards the kids. They have been there staring at us, probably grossed out on how much their parents kiss and hold each other. I never knew that sort of feeling, I don't think I ever saw my father kiss my mother or even hold her hand. I am pretty sure that Katniss's mother however was open to her affections to her father. As she looks towards the children, I see it. The small faded line still traces her neck and up her cheek. The fire scares that never really healed, and Katniss never wanted it to be healed by the Capitol. It was her reminder that not all scars can be fixed and sometimes we need to have them in order to remember.

"Memories tend to fade," she told me once when I asked. "The strongest ones are not the one we try to remember, but the ones we long to forget."

It was what she inscribed in the journal she gave me for my birthday this year. It makes sense, but I think it is more than that. The memories that I have are what keeps me going, and although I wish sometimes that I could forget the horrible things they did to me, it is what defines me today. The struggles that I have to go through, are what I wish sometimes that would be lessen or even gone. The bad memories though are what pushed me forward.

"You hungry?" I ask. "Cause I was thinking of that cheese bun that you didn't get because of my um appointment."

She gives me a kiss on the cheek and walks cheerfully up the walkway to the house. The kids go in before her and as I was up I see everything is the way it should be. We are though, kidding ourselves, the world can only be forgotten for so long before we have to remember where we are and what we have to do. I know that she loves me, that much is true. I can feel it sometimes in her heart when she lets me in. The other things when she is so far away that I could never reach her, I wonder if I am there as well, or is she in a world where it turned out differently.

Once inside I get the kids to come into the kitchen and help prep everything. It was what we did on Saturdays and seeing how today was a Saturday we decided never to break in our own traditions. It was started when Lilly who couldn't have been more than five, decided to grab a chair, pushed it with all her might to the where we were prepping everything and climb onto it.

With her little voice she said that she was going to help and that she didn't want to hear how it was dangerous. Katniss just looked at me that day as to say, it is your decision. I of course gave her the easiest job of it all, which was to prep everything, grab the ingredients. It wasn't five minutes before an egg was dropped on the floor and a bag of flour was spilled after she tripped and fell. What should have taken us forty five minutes the most, took hours to get done, with Lilly's help of course. It didn't matter, it was the fact that we had the most fun in a while that we Katniss decreed it to be a Mellark national holiday.

"Do those even exist?" Lilly asked back then with her small child voice.

"Yes they do," Katniss says with an inspired sound to her voice as if she knew how to talk to a child. "In this house we have Mellark holidays all the time."

It was a tiny lie, but it served a purpose and now it is a family tradition.

"Thomas, do me a favor," Katniss tells him. "Grab the flour from the cupboard."

She grabs Lilly and quickly ushers away from the kitchen both of them stopping on the archway into the kitchen. Something is up because Katniss is giggling and whispering something to Lilly. It is only a couple of seconds until I hear Thomas yell and a splash sound. The next thing I see is Thomas covered in flour from head to toe.

"Mom," he says accusatory.

"Run Lilly," she says patting her on her butt. The prankster comes out only once in a while, but her presence is always known. Lilly runs past me giggling and starts to go up the stairs. Katniss turns and looks at me with a wide smile and begins to run behind her. I of course grab her by the waist and call back to Thomas.

"Son, she is trying to escape," I yell. "But I got her."

Katniss is wiggling herself trying to get free. She is laughing and Lilly stops halfway up before coming back down. Thomas comes from out of the kitchen was a cup of flour in his hand. Lilly is behind me trying to tickle me so that I let her mother go.

"Keep her right there Papa," Thomas says.

He moves towards us with the cup in his hand. His steps go silent and then moves towards us. Lilly has now resorted to trying to climb on top of me, but it is useless to try, as I have her in my arms and no one can get her out of them. The smile widens on Thomas's face just as he lets go of the cup of flour towards her. Just then I feel Katniss duck and of course all the flour which was meant for her is now all over my face.

My hands let go of Katniss as they make their way up to my face, removing the flour from my eyes. Of course they are all looking at me laughing, Thomas trying to apologize, Lilly holding her stomach and laughing and of course Katniss looking as superior as ever. It was a funny way to bake cheese buns but that was the way we always did things. We always did things the most different and filled with fun way of doing things. We have had our fill of serious to last three lifetimes.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

I wish we had a camera. There are some memories that I wish I could preserve. Probably this year I will ask for a camera, it would be nice to have some sort of album. All of our memories are written down in the plant book that Katniss's mother started and her father continued. After we lost Prim the book became sort of a book of memories. The entries of Prim and my father among the first entries, were the people that impacted on us the most. The pages filled with stories and sketches of the greatest things that we remember. Most of them are the smallest memories that the other probably disses them easily.

This memory though, of an entire family covered in flour is something that I don't think anyone would ever forget. Even an hour after, we are still smiling and laughing, exhausted from the running around spraying each other with flour. Looking at the clock we know that we only have a couple of hours before the next train comes into the District, so we tell the kids to take showers while we clean up. Seeing how this has happened before we have become experts at getting the flour off the ceiling of our kitchen and living room. Placing a wet cloth on the bottom of the broom I hand it to her.

"No running upstairs to take a shower now," I say remembering the fact that she left me here last time to clean up. "In fact I should go upstairs and take a shower while you clean up."

"Oh really?" she says with the broom in her hand. I of course relent and nod. She starts to laugh which of course causes me to laugh, it last for almost a minute before her face saddens and I extend out a hand. She grasps it and then looks at me.

"We have been here before," she says sadly. "Remember?"

It was the day before the trial. We had just found out that all appeals had been exhausted by Doctor Aurelius and that Katniss had to travel back to the Capitol to stand trial for the death of President Coin. It was a difficult day.

"Promises are still promises Katniss," I say. "And have I ever broken one to you?"

She looks at me and then nods no.

"But what if?" she starts before my hand reaches up to her lips. She stops and then looks at me with a clear emotion of pain in her eyes. It is then that I see that her pain could be for many reasons, and although it doesn't matter now, the next question is something that was weighing on me for a while.

"The question is are you happy with the choice you made?" I say separating myself from her. The implications of a life with Gale, could have been something that she might have thought of. She did think about it, in the Capitol after she was acquitted although she would never admit it. Gale had told me a while later that he had proposed that they would still be able to start a life together.

She doesn't talk but instead grabbing my hand she leads me up the stairs. I can still hear the water running from both bathrooms, the downstairs and the upstairs. When we finally come into the room she closes the door and with a faint click, I hear the lock.

Turning around she moves towards me and embraces me with her warm hands. I can feel her hands move down my chest and then onto the bottom of my shirt. She tugs at it, making its way up and over my head. She tosses the shirt over to the bed. Once her warm hands touch my bare chest, she moves then over to my heart and then stops. I can feel her finger tip on the bullet wound. One of her hands makes her way down my chest and onto the button of my jeans which she undo and with a sharp tug, the jeans just fall to my ankles.

Moving away from me, she just looks at me.

"Do you see the scar on the right leg," she says pointing to it. "It was done by Cato's sword in our Games. You want to know why it was done? Because you were trying to buy me time to get away. You were trying to save me."

"I remember," I say.

"Do you see the burn marks all over?" she says now with a tremble in her voice. "The same ones that all over my body. You want to know why you have it? Because you were trying to save me from getting killed at the President Mansion and got caught in the blast."

Her eyes lower and I see her hand come up to her face. I start to move over to her, but she stops me by lifting her hand up.

"Well what about the bullet hole near your heart?" she says now her voice has a small hint of anger. "Do you know why you almost died? Because you were protecting me, because you were trying to save me from dying."

I begin to walk towards her. Her voice becomes softer and I know that it is hard for her to be this vulnerable. She has only let her guard down with me, and sometimes with her mother, but not anyone has seen this side of Katniss. It was the way she was brought up, to always be the strong one, the one who kept it together, who didn't fall apart. Her father wasn't the one who taught her this, or even her mother. It was the Capitol after the accident in the mine that claimed her father, causing her to grow up so quickly because her mother disappeared in grief. Once my arms are around her, her voice is so low that if I wasn't a couple of inches away then I would have never heard it.

"So you want to know if I am happy with you? If I hadn't made a mistake?" she repeats what I had always feared. "I have never been more sure of anything in my life. You were trying to save me because I know that you love me, so let me try to save you, because know that I love you."

My arms tighten and I kiss the top part of her head. She just lays her head on my chest and we just stand there for a couple of moments just to allow everything to sink in.

"Promise me something," I say. "The next three days can we forget anything is wrong? Like all we are doing is going to visit your mother and spend time on the ocean."

"Okay," she responds.

It is then that we hear the gong of the clock downstairs and know that we have little time to get everyone to the train station. The kids are more than likely done and are already dressed. We decide to take showers on the train in order to save time and get everyone to the train. We do however rinse our faces to get the flour off. The walk back to the Square as the sun was hiding behind the trees is one of purpose and escape. It is as if we are trying to disappear once again, and this time it isn't from the people of the District or even the Capitol, it is us that we are disappearing from. The evening train is pulling into the station by the time we get there. The platform is empty and even the train looks to be made just for us. Once they check their list they advise us that a request for the large cabin has been made and that we would be side by side with the kids in one of the rooms. We didn't really take anything other than our packs that we had packed back in the house by the lake. Inside we knew that what we had was exactly what we would always need. Inside my pack is my journal and sketch book, a couple of snacks and a change of clothes.

We place the packs on the ground and finally I see Katniss lie down on the bed patting on the space next to her. I ease off my pack and lie next to her there in the dark train. I can hear the horn blast a couple of times and know that we are about to leave the platform. I feel her hand next to mines, and as if on cue, I feel her fingers intertwine with mines. The train lurches forward and I can see the moon light go through the window.

"I love you," I say quietly.

There is a silence before I feel her other hand grab my arm and cuddle near it. It is the way we are, that we want to be the closest we can because it brings us both a sense of peace.

"I know," she says back. "I love you too."

I turn and see her eyes just there looking up at mines. It looks as if she could just look at me with those eyes and I would be happy. We are moving through the districts as how we did back in the Victory Tour, together in the same bed. Our nightmares becoming nothing more than an afterthought when we realized that we could sleep together and be at peace. I close my eyes for just a moment and can feel her hand tense. I open them up and she looks away.

"Sorry," she says. It seems that that I had forgotten that just last night I had fallen asleep on her lap and she couldn't get me to wake up. It could be fear that she doesn't want me to sleep or fear that I won't wake up tomorrow if I do.

"Hey," I say softly. She turns to face me and I know that she is scared just like I am. But unlike dreams, sooner or later we all have to fall asleep.

"Sorry, it is stupid," she says.

"No," I cut her off. "It isn't. Talk to me. Tell me what you are thinking."

"Can't," she says. "Would be breaking the promise I made to you."

A smile crept up my face and I can see that she wasn't joking and was as serious as can be.

"Well you can break it tonight," I say. "Because I want you feel safe, and talking always helps."

She just lies her head on my chest and then lets out a deep sigh. It is almost as if she had been holding it together and now by my ability to let her tell me, it is finally time to let it all out.

"Tomorrow?" she says letting out a yawn, obviously wanting not say anything but exhausted by everything. "Let me fall asleep first?"

I place my arm around her and she moves in just a little. Her warm body nestles so perfectly in the little area that she has called home for years. My hand lies on the her back, with where my elbow bends a very suitable pillow for my head.

"Promise me something though," she says obviously falling asleep in the process.

"Anything," I say whispering kissing her head.

"Promise me that there will be a tomorrow?" she says before I hear her deep breathing. I don't know if she can hear me, but when I feel her leg twist around mines, I lean in and tighten my hold around her.

"You are my tomorrow," I say to her, and then I just lie there looking up at the ceiling of the train. It is then that my eyes begin to close and I wonder if the promises that we make where we have no control over is it just to give us some sort of peace? As the darkness begins to overtake my thoughts I truly hope that the promise that I gave Katniss was one that isn't hollow, but one that I can fight to keep.

The dreams are something that come and of course I cannot remember. They are wonderful and yet I feel that they are terrible. Time just slows down and then speeds up. Nightmares come and then they quickly disappear. There is a large crowd and people all around me. I see balloons and I can hear conversation but nothing that I can understand. Everyone is moving slowly towards the back part of a room. The lights in the room start to dim and then the realization of where I am hits me, a birthday party. There are tons of people in the place and it is even hard to move through. An ocean of people pressing me everywhere. The song of a birthday song in the background and people singing along. Something is off, as I start to scan the room everything starts to slow down. Everyone is moving slowly and even the song that at first sounded so beautiful is starting to warp and distort as a record that is being slowed down until the words become sounds.

I place my hands on my ears and close my eyes trying to stop the dream, trying to get out of the nightmare. When I open I see the moonlight crossing through the window. The haunting woods just outside whizzing by like a shadow. I move myself over to the edge of the bed, and looking back I see her there still sleeping. I stand and can feel every aching bone, every tired muscle, the years and the training has not prevented me from this, the pain of everything that I had gone through. I try to make as little noise as possible as I walk over to the bathroom. Turning on the light I glance back and see her still there, so innocent in the moonlight.

The mirror however sheds the truth on me and sometimes I don't mind it, but now that I look at it, it is as if I am staring at someone that I don't recognize anymore. The deep worn skin, a symbol of heartache, and a constant war. They don't really see it, or can possibly understand it, but it is always there, and I don't see it ever going away. The constant need to fight against memories. Sometimes it gets too much, it gets too tiring, constantly fighting, never really have time to rest.

I turn the knobs of the water and then as I place my hands under the warm water, I see the cuts of the bow string on the tips of my finger, the burns of the oven still visible after all these years. It is the same hands that I remember as a small child. The same large hands of my father. The image of the nightmare comes and I can see the blur of the birthday cake. One single candle. It was what we did, every birthday. It was the only time, we used a fresh cake, to celebrate one birthday for all of us. A single candle on the freshly made cake.

I place the warm wet hands on my face rubbing my eyes hoping that by some miracle the warm water would erase the nightmare from my mind. It is a foolish dream, I know but one can hope that even a foolish dream could come true, after all my other foolish dream is now a reality and sleeping next to me right now.

Turning back I see her being to toss and turn. I can hear the moaning and know that what just happened to me a couple moments ago, is happening to her now. The mumbling begins to get louder and louder. I can hear some words, like "run" and "please." As I walk over to her side of the bed, and as I put my hands on her arm, I can see the sweat over her forehead, shaking softly her arm, her eyes finally fling wide open as if surprised or shocked.

"Hey, hey," I say grabbing her hands as she thrash around. "Katniss it is me."

She looks around sharply and then back to me.

"No, no, no," she starts stammering. "I can't go back, we are on the train, we are going back, aren't we?"

It happens sometimes. Waking up in a familiar place but not in the correct time. As the years went by, it was less and less, and probably that is one of the reason why we spend more time in the House by the Lake than we do at the house in the Victor's Village. It brings back too many memories for both of us. The footsteps of Prim running down the steps is still something that we wish we would hear, but never do.

The first time she suffered through one of these sort of experience was when we took a picnic out in the woods and when she woke up she started to cry uncontrollably. When I was finally able to calm her down, she just didn't talk. It was an hour before she would. She thought that it was right after the arena had blown up and we had found the wreckage. To her it was just yesterday that her mother died. I had to get her on the phone to prove that she was still alive.

"Katniss," I say. "It is over. The games are over, Snow is gone. You are safe."

She looks at me confused. It isn't until I turn on the light inside the room that she starts to realize where she is. She stands and walks over to the mirror looking at the strands of the grey hair that is peppered along her beautiful dark brown hair. She turns around and then comes into my arms.

"It was awful," she says. "It was the night of the lightning storm. You were just so far away. I should have listened to you, we should have broken the alliance."

Her hand moves over to the injection site on my chest.

"Hey," I say. "It was years ago. You are safe."

It is then that we hear a faint knocking on the door. I walk over to the door and when it slides open there is a attendant at the door. The young woman lets us know that we are coming into the station of District Four in a couple of minutes and asked if we needed any assistance with our bags. I can feel Katniss come right up behind me, not wanting for the attendant to see her. I can feel her hands on my back, and when she places her head on my shoulders I know that she is tired. I politely tell her thank you for the offer but that we were fine.

Probably in a couple of days we will be, although as the train begins to slow down, I don't know if that would be at all possible.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

The whatifs always find a way to get into your mind when you have children. Your whole life you wish that they don't have to go through the things that you went through. Normally that would be very small, but for our kids, Katniss and I wish that they never have to experience a single thing that we did. The whole time we spend in the house making sure of two things, that the house is filled with love for each other and that there is always a sense of happiness in everything that we do. I wonder though sometimes what life would have been if we had never gotten reaped in the first place. Would the rebellion had even happened? The people that died in the uprising, would they still be here.

"What are you thinking about," I hear her ask.

"Nothing too important," I say readjusting the packs on my back. The walk off the platform on this moonlit night, is warm compared to the one in our District. Funny how only a couple of hours and the train has taken us from the winter of District Twelve, to the warm sea winds of District Four.

"You know I can carry it," she says opening her hand for the strap of her pack. "And anything that you think of I want to know."

"I know," I say at both comments. The thought of the whatifs always come out depressing. You start to think about the past and you want to go back there. The thing is that although I miss him almost every day, my father will always remind me of one of the most important thing in his life.

"Always look forward," he says. "Never look back, because if you do, you won't know where you are walking to and might end up walking straight into a tree."

"Thinking about if we had remembered to call your mother and let her know that we were coming," I say lying.

She gives me a smile and mentions that Delly had taken care of everything and that she had told everyone that needed to know of our little adventure to District Four. She had of course taken care of her extended family. The stars looks just a little bit different in District Four, almost as if it was calling us out to the ocean. The children rubbing their eyes let out a large yawn as we walk through the harbor shops that are now closed. It is late and not many people are out.

We turn onto Katniss's mothers street and find the house's porch light is on along with most of the other lights in the house. It looks sort of like a beacon among the rest of the other houses that are dark. The children take off and begin to run towards their grandmothers house, yelling out that they are here. The curtain moves just a little and I know that her mother has seen the children running. We walk just a little bit slower and Katniss still has some reservations with her mother, although the relationship had been somewhat repaired. The door opens and I see the both Lilly and Thomas tackle their grandmother. This of course brings a smile to Katniss, which disappears just as quickly as it came on. I lift my hand up in a friendly hello, and I see the smile creep up her mother's face in the light of the living room.

"There they are," she says. "My second two favorite people."

I look over to Katniss and then back to her looking for some sort of validation. She lets out a small laugh and tell us that our children had become her favorite two people when they were born. We of course had become the second.

"Hello mother," Katniss says hugging her. Katniss's mother's arm wrap around her tightly and as she places her head on her shoulder. Without even looking up she lifts one of her hands up and motions for me to get closer. Once I am within a couple of feet her hand pulls me into the embrace and it is the same way we were the first time we had come to her home. It had been a couple of months since we had come to visit. Katniss's mother hasn't come to visit us, because of the painful memories of everything that had happened. She does come sometimes to visit us at the house by the lake, but hasn't step foot inside the actual District for a while now.

She separates from us and then thumbing away her tears she brings Katniss towards the light.

"Well come here," she says. "Let me get a good look at you."

Of course Katniss protest but she does as she is told and comes into the living room. After a couple of the mom's hmmm's and the moving of her chin from side to side she looks towards me.

"She isn't sleeping as much as she should," she says as it is much my fault as it is hers. I just let out a smile and try to explain that I cannot keep knocking Katniss out with sleep syrup, only to be cut off by Katniss saying that it was her that did it to me.

"Oh yeah," I say trying to cover up the fact that I wasn't really paying attention. Katniss's mother continues to lecture her about the benefits of sleep, but stops when she realizes that one the reasons is the nightmares. She runs her fingers through her hair and then smiles telling her that she will make her some good warm tea and that it would help her sleep tonight.

Katniss wiggles free of her mother's hands and goes into the kitchen to make sure that her kids do not make a mess that she will have to clean up herself afterwards. It is as if they are on vacation and we of course never really get a day off from it. I let out a small chuckle when I think about it. Let them have a vacation from their own lives. We all deserve some sort of getaway, and if they could I think both Lilly and Thomas would live here by the coast. The harsh winters of District Twelve can turn anyone away from living there. For us though, the ones that had lived in District Twelve forever, it is home, and nowhere else would feel the same.

I lower the packs on the ground and then give her a proper embrace.

"Hey mom," I say. Although at first it was a little weird, she had convinced me a while back that with my own mother gone, that she would be proud to adopt me as her son. After marrying Katniss, she told me that it was legal in the eyes of the Capitol, and in the traditions of District Twelve, but that I would have been always her son in her heart.

"How are you feeling?" she says knowing exactly what she is referring to. It was as if we never had to be around the bush, she always asked what everyone else was too scare to. She didn't care about the hijacking and never let me get away with it when I was having an episode. It was the same stance of Doctor Aurelius, that the mind has control over the body and not the other way around.

"Little drained," I say not holding anything back. "Made Katniss promise not to treat me any different for three days, so I would hope mom that you could do the same? For the kids' sake?"

She places her hand on my cheek and nod okay. The children come busting out of the kitchen talking a mile a minute and it is just like them to be well rested when the rest of us are as tired as possible. Finally her grandmother takes them to the rooms in the back and sitting on the sofa, I finally exhale a long sigh of relief.

In a hush whisper I hear Katniss call out from the kitchen.

"Is she gone?" she says playfully.

I turn back and smile nodding yes. She smiles and runs quickly to me letting her plop down on the sofa right next to me. She turns and gives me a peck on the cheek. It is always great to see Katniss turn back into that happy girl. Her mother always did that for her. I had always made the comment that we should move here to be closer to her, but Katniss always says that she wouldn't want to live here, but just visit more. I'd like to assume it was because of our time here in District Four during the Victory Tour, but it is mostly because of her mother coming back to her.

"I just love the sound of the waves," I say to no one in particular but looking out of the open window I can just see the waves crashing.

Her head presses on my shoulder and I can feel her fingers interlace with mines. We just sit there for a while just letting the warm house takes us back to those moments we had in the house in the Victor's Village. The stories Katniss told me about her old house and how small it was compared to the ones she had now, made my heart ache remembering my room with my brothers.

"It is too bad though," I say out loud.

"What is?" she asks.

"That we couldn't get that house near the pier," I say with a slyness to my voice. Her head lifts up and I turn to see her. The redness on her face is enough to make me smile. It was the place after we had the traditional toasting that we spent the night. That memory is still very much present in my mind, we were only teenagers not even in our twenties.

She looks over my shoulder and then slaps my hands.

"Peeta," she says embarrassed. "Now where would the kids sleep? Remember? That little house only a studio loft."

I hear someone clear there throat and then smile as I see Katniss's begin to stutter

"Oh…Hi…mom," she says nervously. "How…umm. Much did you hear?"

She slips on the other side of us and then sits on the chair in front of us.

"Enough," she says. "To know that your children weren't adopted, that you were pregnant twice and that I did deliver both of them."

We both turn from her gaze as it doesn't really matter how old you are, you never want to believe that your parents know what you do behind closed doors. She lets out a laugh and then scoots her chair closer to ours. Her gaze on both of us is one of true happiness. This is a woman who has fought to keep her family together, even going into the middle of the battle in order to keep herself next to us.

"I know that you both are trying to pretend that nothing is going to happen in three days, but if you have any questions on what is going to happen," she says looking at Katniss and then at me. "You know that I will let you know and that I will not hide anything from you."

Katniss's hand tightens around mines and I know that she has questions but her promises mean a lot to her, so she would never break one she made. I look to her and nod and tell her that it is okay and that if she had any questions that she could ask.

"Do you know about what is going to happen?" she asks her mother.

"Well in three days they are going to get a MRI machine and all the history on you," she starts. "Most of these doctors specializes in the brain. They have been studying your case for years, it is one of the classes at the main University in the Capitol. You have a very remarkable mind, Peeta, because it was the only test subject that survived the procedure."

"I have always told him that," Katniss says looking at me. "He is truly a remarkable person."

"Something I have to ask," Katniss's mother looks to me. "How did you survive it?"

Looking down I see my hands interlaced with hers. It is the question that Doctor Aurelius always wanted and I of course never really gave a definitive answer to. Truly it wasn't because I didn't want to, but because I never really knew, not with certainty.

"Ice cream," I say finally.

They both look at me, trying to understand the gibberish that I was now speaking. It was what I had finally come to terms with. The main thing that kept me from everything, from falling into the will of the Capitol, and endure all the torture that they threw at me. It was and forever will be, ice cream.

"Ice cream?" Katniss chimes in. "What do you mean ice cream?"

I look at her with her face of unbelief and can't help but to smile. This of course doesn't say the story, that was already forming in my mind.

"Well when they first started you know," I say shifting my position on the sofa. My fingers tremble just a little which of course caused Katniss to make me stop. She started to tell her mother that the medical staff over in District Twelve had mentioned to keep me under a stress free environment. Which of course I look to her and tell her that 'you can't keep me in a bubble the rest of my life' and of course I reassured her that I would stop if I felt an episode coming. She finally relented and let me continue my story.

"It was all I could do was to think of your daughter," I say. "To think of a life that at the moment I knew would never happen. It was my way to escape where I was. We were at the house by the lake, and we had a wonderful life. At first we would just talk about things, and then after a couple of hours it wasn't so bad. I didn't really feel what they were doing. I knew though that it wouldn't last and that I would finally break. So one day we just started talking about our favorite things, of course I knew that I wasn't really talking to your daughter. I just..."

I pause and I know that although my eyes are closed I could feel her eyes on me. The warm hands on mines giving me the strength to continue.

"I just needed something to hold onto," I say after a couple of minutes. "The conversation of ice cream came up one day and although it seemed trivial, we spoke about it for hours. I of course shared stories about how hard it was to get ice cream in my family, seeing how it was so expensive. It was what I held onto. The thought that one day I would actually have it."

When I open my eyes there is no talk, nothing, but silence. Sort of uncomfortable silence though.

"Well," Katniss's mother says standing up and walking towards the kitchen. "With that being said, how about some ice cream?"

Katniss smiles and says that she would want some, and I of course tell her the same. Once she is in the kitchen and the door closes behind her, Katniss turns to me with of either sadness or anger. Sometimes I can't read her all that well, years of practice of hiding emotions I guess. The sharp pain of the arm as she hits it, and it confirms that it isn't sadness.

"Ouch," I say rubbing my arm. "What was that for?"

"That," she says raising her voice. "Was nothing compared to what I am going to do to you after your procedure."

"I thought you would have appreciated that I was thinking about you," I say trying to lighten the mood.

"That is the thing," she says. "After all these years, and you are just telling me this? It is almost as if you are telling the whole country of Panem that you are in love with me. Wait...you did that!"

I can see the embarrassed look on her face. Standing up she walks away from me. Her arms crossed and looking out of the window she tries to hide her emotions again. It is the same face she gave me on the roof top garden of the Training Center.

"Well for one," I say trying to keep serious. "I didn't say that I was in love with you, I only said that I had a crush on you. And two, I only realized this a couple days ago. I didn't even know what it meant until I started to really think about it. I am sorry that I did not mention it to you, but I didn't see it as a big deal."

"Peeta," she says. "What did it mean to you? Was it such a very small insignificant thing that you could easily had forgotten it? Or the fact that we made the house look at close to your visions as possible? Was that a very small insignificant thing?"

I stand and walk over to her. My feet very deliberate and loud. She takes a peek over her shoulder and sees me coming towards her.

"Honestly," I say trying to soften my voice. "No. It wasn't an important thing. Remember all it was, everything, the house, the conversations, was to talk to you, to be around you. It wasn't important what we talked about, it could have been about something as insignificant as your favorite ice cream and it wouldn't matter, the conversation that is, what did matter was that I had you with me, in that small minute, in that small moment, however deluded it was, however long it was. I knew you weren't there, but my heart wanted you to be there with me and for that time, you were."

My arms wrap around hers and she doesn't pull away but it is as if her body presses into mines. Her hands grabs mines and she lets out a deep breath.

"It is strawberry-vanilla," she says as a matter of fact. "What is yours?"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

The seagulls calling in the mornings is something that I guess you have to get use to here in District Four. The loud cawing next to our window of course caused me to jump at the sound and well fall to the ground. Katniss of course couldn't help but start to laugh uncontrollably at the fact that I was startled by the noise and that I found myself on the ground.

"What a wonderful wakeup call," I say through the pain of my hurt ego. Standing up slowly, I can feel the ache in my bones. As I peek over I see her there, her hair all messy, wrapped in a white sheet. She smiles at me and with lightning quick reflexes snatches the pillow and tosses it towards me. I of course quickly duck an see the pillow next to me. I slide my hand over to the pillow and without lifting my head because there is another one on the bed I declare.

"Now, we could start a war of pillows," I say moving slowly towards the bed. I can hear her rustling the sheets, whether on purpose or by accident is unknown, but grabbing my pillow I start to think about the perfect strategy. I continue to bait her, "I know you have only one other pillow and you are never on to be without a weapon. So you will not throw it at me because you would be defenseless. That is why I think I just heard you rustling the sheets to get mines which is near the edge of the bed."

There is a pause so I can try to make out where she is, but of course she has gone silent as a hunter does, so her position is no longer available to me. I start to move just a little bit around the bed towards the center of the bed. The dim light that comes through the window blinds and I know that it is early enough that no one is up, well with the exception of Katniss's mother. I heard stories and have seen it firsthand that she is always up early enough to see the sunrise.

"So the question is," I say finally. "How to win the war."

"Did you find out that way?" she finally says and I catch her position. It is the only thing that she had for herself, the ability to hide her position on a large bed. Now that I know where she is, I can execute my strategy to win. It is the one thing that she would never do, because it doesn't make sense. It is to go all in.

With a quick motion I toss the pillow straight up into the air towards her. The only way to win is to distract her. I jump onto the bed and just as she is looking up at the pillow, the weight of me jumping on the bed catches her off guard. She tries to recover but turning her face towards me, but it is way too late as I grab her full force dropping her to the bed. She lets out a loud yelp, and then it is over.

"Why pillow fight," I say whispering to her. "When you can tickle."

Her eyes go wide and she knows what is coming as my hands begin to tickle her throughout her body. She starts to squirm laughing out loud. One of the things that Katniss hates the most is being tickled. It is one of the few weaknesses that she has, and I had only found out by accident. After a while she relents and then as I have her pinned by my body against hers, she goes after my weakness. She lifts up just a little and kisses me gently.

Through the lips I mumble out. "Fighting dirty huh?"

I can see the smile lift just a little. "It is the only way to win the war."

My hands move from her wrists to her arms and then to her face.

"You know," I say in between the kiss. One of my hands move over to the edge of the sheet and grabbing it I begin to tug at it. She lets out a low shriek under her voice as I continue to say. "Once you start..."

"You know we can't," she says smiling. "Remember we are in my mother's house."

My hand continues to tug until finally she cannot hold herself back and places both of her hands on my face. With the sheet finally free I slide in between the sheets and feel the burning hot warmth of her body. Once the sheet is over us, I feel as if we in a hot oven being burned from the inside out. Every single part of my skin is hot to the touch. I can feel her heart beat, I can feel her all around me. It started with a spark, and I know it sounds cliché but she is really is the girl on fire. It isn't just a steady warm fire in a hearth, but a intense fire bomb that can reach temperatures that can literally consume you. The feeling that the air is being sucked out of you is nothing because you want to be around her, you want to be near her. I get it though the feeling of the whole country of Panem, everyone even till this day want to be around her. For the next couple of minutes we are lost amongst ourselves, nothing around us, no one to bring us back into reality. It is just me and her, the passion that burns, burns brightly.

The only thing that can stop this fire from consuming both of us, is exactly what happens where we run out of mattress and basically roll off the bed and onto the ground again. Of course, I was on the bottom just as we rolled off so of course I am on the ground taking most if not all the weight of her on me as we hit hard the ground.

After a couple of seconds, I just let out a deep groan. We are finally back into the reality of our current surrounding, and I can feel her hair on my face. Her hands on my chest and I see the smile on her face. Her body so small on mine still weighs a good amount as it is now crushing me. The faded burn marks still visible through her arms and around her shoulder, but not was she lies here on top of me we can suddenly hear the quietness of the house.

"Well, I am back on the ground," I say through the laughing. She lets out a quick laugh before she turns her head up. The loud thud must have attracted more attention than I would have wanted but a sharp knock on the door from her mother causes us to quickly get up. Katniss quickly looks from left and right looking for umm, clothes. I catch my shorts and toss it to her. She smiles and puts them on. I guess underwear for me and for her would be my shorts and wait for it, my t-shirt of course. She moves quickly to the door and then opening it just a crack she tries to give an excuse that really wasn't a lie because it did happen.

"A loud seagull startled Peeta and he sort of fell to the ground," she says mumbling through. She is obviously nervous and of course because of what we were just doing. "He still isn't use to the noise, since we have been living in the wilds."

"So sorry Mom," I say. "Sort of embarrassing to find myself making some noise in the early morning."

She looks at me a little bit more closer than I would like and then looks over to her daughter. Of course she doesn't believe a word that we both say and can only smile at the thought. Katniss of course notices this and a little redness shows in her cheeks. She opens the door just a little bit, and her mother just smiles.

"Well it seems that your children are getting up and getting ready to go out to the coast," she says. "Got some sandwiches prepared for all of us. We want to get an early start because a lot of people will be going to the coast today. So what do you say, in an hour? Bathing suits in the closet and um Katniss…"

She motions to the ground with her eyes and there hidden underneath the chair is her underwear. Before I can look back up the door already has been closed and looking at Katniss I see her bending down to pickup her underwear. I walk over to the closet and opening it, I see our clothes from the many times that we came here. It was sort of our little way of making her mother feel good, we would bring at least one change of clothes over every time we came, and well soon enough we had half of our wardrobe here in her house. It did make for easy traveling, the absence of clothes to take on vacation always helped. The kids started doing two years ago, although the way they are growing, soon those clothes won't fit them anymore. Staring at the clothes I see the years, and the visits, the different colors but usually the same styles. Katniss have very few dresses but have many different kinds of pants and jeans, always the tomboy.

I feel come next to me and she looks at the clothes.

"Would you look at that," she says. "She actually kept it."

She rustles through the clothes and there she pulls out a dress. Looking at it carefully, she traces the stitches, the soft color, looks at it from head to toe. I don't really recognize it, the dress, could be one of the many I saw her in the Victory Tour, but something about it, the way it is made, it doesn't seem like it is from the Capitol. It is a very soft elegant dress and seeing how Katniss admires it, it could only be her mothers.

"I guess it was one of the things that she loved and kept," she says. "It was my father's favorite dress. She told me once, that it was the dress that she wore that day in the family apothecary when he came inside to trade that day. I can't believe she kept it."

She smiles at the thought of her father and although we rarely talk about him, it is something that she keeps very close to her heart. She grows very quiet, and as I begin to talk to her, I can feel her own prison closing in around her. It is what happens sometimes when she thinks of people that are no longer with us, she gets all locked into her grief. I try to talk to her, but of course she becomes unresponsive. Her mother comes back to the room and I have to walk over to her and tell her that she is having some issue with her father and that we will be down shortly. She nods and tells me that to take all the time that we need. Looking back at her, I can see that it might take a little bit longer than usual, so I tell her that it is probably best that they go on ahead without them, and that we would probably meet up with them in a little bit. She walks over to her and kisses her on the cheek rubbing her shoulders as she walks back out of the room closing the door behind her.

I walk over to the nearby chair and placing the packs on the ground, I slide over the chair where she is. Sitting there on the chair, I grab her hand and begin to just softly caress it. The other hand still grabbing her mother's dress. It could be she is there with her father talking to him. She doesn't open up about what happens when she gets like this, and I never push her to. She would sometimes call Doctor Aurelius to talk, but that has been rare now and mostly she just keeps to herself.

I feel so helpless when she gets like this. A war that I cannot save her from, is the same war that she could for me. I don't know how to break in, and it pains me that sometimes I just feel so useless. Her mother tells me that it is just an extreme grief of letting everything close in at once. She would get like this when her husband died and she couldn't cope.

I close my eyes and start to caress her hand. The house goes quiet and I can hear the kids in the distance, can faintly hear Lilly singing some song. I can hear the tick-tock of the hallway clock and nothing else but my breathe and my heart beat. I really don't know how long it was that I was sitting there but after what seemed like an hour or so, I feel her hand slowly come back to life and her fingers close around mines. I look up and can see her eyes looking at mine. She had kneel right in front of me and placing one hand on her cheek she smiles. I must have fallen asleep because the dress was not in her hands but seemed to have been placed back in the closet.

"Sorry," she says with a tired look in her eyes.

"It is okay, I just wish I would have gotten to know him," I say softly.

"Me too," she says.

"Probably one day you can tell me more about him?" I ask.

A smile comes on her face. It is covering the fact that her eyes are teary and that the memory of her father always did make her emotional.

"That would be nice," she says and then looks around. "Where is everyone?"

I struggle to stand having my foot fallen asleep and my muscles all ache from it. She helps me up and then looks to the window seeing the sun is a lot brighter than when last she remembers.

"They are waiting for us down by the shore," I say stretching and hearing the cracking sounds of my back. "You want to still go?"

It is a question that as she draws the curtains she can tell that we have been here for a while. She realizes then what I couldn't tell her before, that she wasn't really here for a while and that I stayed with her the whole time. It probably reminds her of the moments when she was grieving Prim. Those where the moments that she would just stand there looking out of the window at nothing in particular. I wonder though, when it finally hit me was I like this? I try to think back on if I ever had the ability to actually grieve and well I don't think I had. I mean I thought about them all the time, and I guess those moments in the Capitol where they tortured me was probably as closest to a grieving moment than anything.

"Okay," she says with a hint of sadness in her voice.

We change into something more appropriate and to my surprise she doesn't wear any beach clothes but the same yellow dress that she did the first time we were here. She makes it a point to me that this time she will not allow me to throw her into the water which of course I had been planning on doing anyways. She makes me promise her though that I wouldn't try, so of course I make it with protest. She lets out a small laugh and knows that promises between us are always kept.

She moves to the bathroom and begins to wash her face with some warm water. Looking at the closet, a small smile comes to mind when I remember the first time we were here. I move the shirts, looking for something in the way back. It was where we sent our clothes from the Capitol, brought back too many bad memories. Finally I find the old slacks that I wore and there right behind it, is the soft green shirt that I wore. I grab my slacks and my boots, and find the old green shirt that I wore back in the times of the Victory Tour. It fits a little bit looser and I wonder if I had lost weight.

I hear the sink stop and can hear her coming when she opens the door I just stand there with my hands in my pocket. It is a complete transformation, from a couple of seconds, her face seems to have lit up from the inside.

"What do you think?" I say tugging at the shirt. "Still fits."

"Hmm," she says walking around me. "Only one thing has changed."

"What's that?" I say.

"The hair was a lot shorter back then," she says pushing back the strands from my face. It is true that I haven't been keeping up with the haircuts, but I haven't had the need to be in front of any cameras lately.

"Well there is that," I say. "But there is something that is the same."

She looks at me like what is that?

"The most beautiful woman that I had ever dreamt of was on my arm," I say crooking my arm. She blushes and walks ever so lightly towards me looping her arm in mine. We walk down the stairs and then out of the house. Walking down the boardwalk, we see all the people on the beach, children playing in the water, with some just lying in the sun on the sand. I hear the children calling out laughing and can see a small group of friends around them.


	10. Chapter 10

PART II

"THE PROCEDURE"

Chapter Ten

When faced with a real case of mortality, one remember the happiest moments. The first time it happened was when I was in the tube for the first time going up the platform. I can still remember that back then most of the memories were about my father, and of course a couple where of Katniss. The other times, it became more and more about Katniss, as we made our own memories together. Now as I sit on the edge of the bed, the memories that come are the ones that just happened. The kids down backflips into the water, and Katniss laughing and clapping as the children try to keep her attention. These last couple of days have been the perfect memories. We even had ice cream after spending the remaining hours by the beach.

It is what I think about. The darkness in the room surrounds me, but the memories keep me in the moment of the happiness of everyone. Today is just another thing that I have to go through, this time though like the others I have my family behind me to get me through it. I stand and look back at her there sleeping. I walk over to her side and gently wake her up. The first thing she does look at me and fear goes into her eyes.

"Are you okay?" she says.

"I am fine," I say. "Wanted to see if you want to take a stroll with me."

She turns and see the darkness coming from the window. Closing her eyes she lets out a moan and stretches as if being woken up from a deep sleep.

"What time is it?" she says looking at me.

"Don't know, but it is early," I say.

She removes the blanket and immediately begins to look for her pants. Although it isn't snowing here in District it is still winter time and the cool mornings are a shock to the body when you think it is warm. Once we are ready to go, I make the sign for quiet and she nods. We walk very softly to the door and then as I open the door Katniss begins to move with her hands pointed like a gun. I want to start to laugh, as it is true that we still do the military signals and still walk in formation. We walk towards the stairs and then I can see Katniss pointing at the loose floorboards. They always creek sound when she would go down them, so of course she pointed it out to me because I am the noisiest. Skipping one step and then moving to the other we finally get out of the house and holding out a shawl I wrap her around it.

"So where to?" she says.

I take her hand walk with her down the street. There is a place that I want her to see. The houses are all dark and the gravel under my feet crunches as we pick up the pace. She is there with me, walking side by side, she doesn't protest where we are going, she just wants to be with me. It is the same way I feel about her. It doesn't matter where we go, or what we go through, as long as we go through it together.

We reach the other side of the Justice Building. Right next to the building there is a road that has been cordoned off by a chain-linked fence. I move under the fence and I can feel her hand tense a little. I turn back to see her and mouth the words, 'trust me.' I guess it was the fear of the fence being electrified. I wait for her to hear if there is a hum and then finally climbs underneath it. There are no more lights on this road. I fumble into my pocket and product a small light. Slowly down, we walk carefully in the dark, the ocean waves on the left and the forest to the right. After a couple of minutes I see it. I turn around and whisper in her to close her eyes and place your hands around me.

She looks at me with an incredulous face.

"It is a surprise," I say.

"And you know how much I love surprises," she says sarcastically. She hates surprises, she would make me tell her when we are having parties for her, or when someone wants to meet her.

"Promise that it is just you and me," I say and she finally closes her eyes. I walk her very carefully to the place and then finally when she is in the perfect spot, I have her sit on the ground. I look down and across and can tell that it is almost time. I sit behind her placing my hands over her eyes. "Almost."

I remove her hands and lean into her ear.

"This is what I see when I think of you," I say. The sun begins to peek over the horizon. It is a very pale pinkish color long in the distance. She looks back to me and I wonder if I should have waited just a little bit longer to open her eyes. It was a better plan in my head.

"Sorry," I say. "I guess I should have waited a little bit longer."

She smiles and leans in kissing the tip of my nose.

"If you had," she said. "It wouldn't be you. Don't worry, we can wait, we got time."

Just like that we sat on the nearby tree and slowly watch the sunrise over the horizon of the cove here in District Four. It wasn't like the sunrises at the house by the lake, or even the sunsets on top of the Training Center at the Capitol. This one here felt just a little bit different sort of like it waited just for us to get here, like it was meant for us.

Once the sun was in the sky we both stood up and she finally could look where we were. We were on the other side of the cove on the very tip of the cliff. The trees that are on our back go deep into the forest of District Four, the road that we walked on was a service road that is hardly used.

"Ready?" she says opening her hand looking for mine. I place it in hers and we walk back down the service road. Her grip is tight and her paces are small and controlled. From her lack of talking I can tell that her breathes are short. We reach a tree and I stop walking. She turns around and looks at me.

"Mind if we stop for a little," I say resting on the trunk of the tree. She stops and looks at me a little worried. She places her hands on her hips and looks around. We are probably ten minutes away from the main road. In fact, I think I can just barely hear the people talking.

"You okay?" she asks coming near me.

"Yeah," I say. "I am fine."

She turns looking back. It is as if she doesn't want to hear that. It is odd, but sometimes although I know what she is going through she keeps me away from her. Her way of being strong for the family, I guess. She doesn't realize that she doesn't have to be strong, and that by letting them in, we are stronger together.

"Katniss," I say she turns. "I am fine…"

She nods and then looks away this time she looks up and I guess it is getting too much for her.

"Katniss," I say a little bit stronger. She turns around and I can see that she is upset. "I will be fine."

I close the gap and place my arms around her. I try to hold her, try to reassure her. It is a difficult thing when all I feel inside is a sense of fear for the unknown. The results of the test could very well be, just something minor, although highly unlikely. That not knowing, is what has me constantly thinking about it. I whisper again and again that it will be fine, that we will be fine, probably if I say over and over again I will probably believe it.

"How could you know," she says. "Peeta, today out of all days, how could you know that it will fine. I don't know how you do this. Here I am falling apart and you are walking around whistling happy music, like nothing is happening. You take us to the shore where you know the kids would love to be, you bring me ice cream after telling me this touching story, and now you take me to this wonderful place to watch the sunrise."

One tear streams from her face. She motions with both her hands. "What is all this huh Peeta, is this your way of saying goodbye to me? Is that what this is?"

"No," I say. "You still don't get it. This whole time I tried to…You really want to know…how I could be fine with all this? Truth is…I am not. I am scared out of my mind, I mean a normal person would be right? I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to find out why this is happening to me now."

"Then why don't you?" she says interrupting raising her voice. "No one will think any less of you."

"It all…comes down…to that day," I say holding the tears back. "I promised myself I wouldn't ever…."

I look down at my hands, the image still there, the feeling still there, it is always there, it never leaves it haunts me every day.

"Katniss…I am scared. From falling apart, from screaming, from losing it, I wish I could. I know it is has been years since…, but it isn't something that I forget, or even that I could forgive myself. So I have to keep everything in, can't lose control, can't grieve because it leads to anger and…I am sorry, I wish it was a better reason."

Her hands grab mines. I look up and she embraces me. It is the only thing that scares me the most. It isn't the nightmares of the games, although those come and those go. It isn't the war, and people dying, because it is all a blur. It isn't even the torture he had to endure through the Capitol. It is that moment, that split second where I lost it. It is as bad as feeling my foot is still there, because I can still feel her neck around my fingers. It scares me.

"You mean all this time, you couldn't cry, couldn't grieve, anything…because of what happened years ago," she asks.

"It is stupid," I say embarrassed.

"No," she says. "It isn't. But you can't live like this Peeta, you can't be strong all the time."

We start to walk towards the Square and find that some of the officials were waiting for us in front of the Justice Building. They escort us to the Medical Center where Katniss's mother works. It is a large complex that has multiple wings and different specialties. Delly, just getting into the District walks with us down the hallways until we reach a large room. In the room are a variety of doctors there and one of course that I recognize immediately, Katniss's mother. She smiles and helps me into a chair explaining that soon an earpiece will be provided and that Katniss would be speaking to me on the other end.

"The machine that we will attach to your head will be monitoring brainwaves and the pathways that light up," she says. "Katniss will be asking you questions, mostly about things that you had done, memories, fresh ones and old ones to see where the problem is. One we have isolated the area, we will take a closer look at it. Then we will decide whether or not it is serious enough to have a surgeon look at it, which they are prepared in the other room just in case."

Once the beeping started I try to drown it out. The machines and the heart rhythm always brings me to a point where I can breathe which of course speeds up the rhythm and then the beeping increases. Even if you try to calm yourself, it only brings a more panic emotion and then all you can do is realize that you are not even in control of your own body. The doctors they try to put in a relax state but the white coats and the glasses always brings me anxiety.

"Peeta," I hear in my ear. "Can you hear my voice?"

I nod.

"Good. I need you to focus on it, and try to calm down," she says. After closing my eyes and focusing on her voice and the tone and the way it always sounds like she is singing. I love hearing her talk, it is one of the reason why I ask so many questions.

For the next hour it was all about answering questions. Lots of, 'do you remember when…' and a couple of 'what happened that day…' back and forth and the doctors looking at screens. Katniss's mother would come every so often to check my vitals and to just keep me calm.

"Remember the time we first came up on the roof top garden?" she says.

"Yes," I say. "It was the day, umm, before the games."

"Peeta," she says concerned from my pause. "We couldn't jump off the roof, so we walked to a small area of the roof. Remember it was the first time we heard."

I have to pause. I know this. What is it? The sound, is it birds? Is it people? What was it that we heard?

"Peeta you still there?" I hear over the ear bud.

"Yes," I say unsure. "Katniss, I…I, don't…"

"It is okay," she says. "It wasn't that important."

It sounds like it would have been. The sound is important but what was it, and why was it important?

As the questions get more specific and older, there is a struggle inside me to remember more specifics. I can hear doctors running and whispering in between each other. The sound isn't something that I could decipher now, it is like the nightmare, the sound has begun to slow down.

"Pee…ta," I…hear. "A re, you o kay?"

I try to f…oc…us. It is hard to focus. The…room…go…e…s blurred. The las…t thi…n…g I rem…ember…is hear…ing.

"Put hi…m under."

And then nothing...

KATNISS

You know one thing that Peeta and me always had in common, was our hatred for hospitals. Don't get me wrong we both agree that doctors are necessary and that most of them do what is right to help others. My mother being one of them, and my sister Prim was always a healer. It isn't the people that we hate, but I guess it was the sense of finality in everything they say or do. It is never a possibility that things might, just might get better. "The ideal is this, what we see is what we can understand, and so if we cannot see the answer to the puzzle then it isn't really there, that it really doesn't exist. But the truth is that love is something you really cannot see, so does it mean that it doesn't really exist?"

It was the way Peeta thought. If we had the ability to love, then there is always hope. One of the many things that I love about him, it is one of the things that I miss about him right now. It is the only thing that I can think of. The different little things that he would do to get me to smile.

I look around and realize that I really do hate hospitals. The waiting rooms are the worst. The not knowing what is going on or not being able to help. I can feel my hand moving through her hair. The why she sleeps, reminds me a little bit of Prim. She always would curl up next to me, or place her head on my lap when we would just wait for dad to come back from the mines. Probably that is what she is doing now, my sweet little girl, waiting for her father to come back home. She has been here for hours and she must be tired.

"Sweety," I tell her. "Why don't you go to back to your Grandma's. If there is anything new then you would be the first one I call."

I hear her mumble something as though she was truly asleep. Peeta always tells me that she gets that from me, the love of sleep. He would say 'I could never understand how a hunter that loved to sleep in, don't you have to get out early to catch the worm or something.' Of course I would always tell him that 'it is only because I had to get up, and now I don't have to.'

"It's okay mom," she responds back. "I am okay, I am not tired."

"Liar," I say jokingly. We have had this conversation before, and of course she was more like Peeta in that instance, her father's stubbornness, his fierce loyalty. I swear whenever he put his mind to something, the only way to change it, or to get him to do what I told him would be to drug him. "Now go on, not another word and take your brother with you. I will call you as soon as I get word."

She slowly gets up rubbing her eyes. Once she is standing I am sure she is going to make her case about staying. Before she could say anything, I lean in and kiss her on her forehead. It would be what her father would do if I was in there instead of him. God, I wish I was in there instead of him. Lilly leans in and gives me a kiss on the top of my head and tells me that she loves me. Nudging her brother awake, they both walk out of the waiting room of the Medical Center. He doesn't protest, mostly because I think he is still sleeping. They both stumble out towards the exit doors and then finally as the doors open I can see the light of the day filtering in.

I wonder what time it is, or how long I have been here waiting. The last update that I got from Doctor Asher was that they had to perform an emergency procedure as there was some small hemorrhaging. They needed to get it before swelling would develop and then they would have to wait until it went down.

I stand and walk to the nearby coffee machine. It is horrible stuff, coffee, makes you feel all jittery, never really like that feeling.

"Katniss," I hear behind me. Turning around I see Annie walking in accompanied by Liam and April. "How is he?"

What do you say when you don't even know? All I can see is flashes of his smile and the words that he told me just earlier this morning. It is the only words that I had been telling everyone who was asking. It was what he felt would calm me, so I guess it should work for others. It should calm me, but all I can think about is what I cannot see, but I believe that it is there.

"He is fine," I say. "He will be fine."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

KATNISS

You would think that family is only the ones that had your blood coursing through their veins. It was what we believed back when the old Capitol was in control. They made it seem that the only people that you could trust was your own family, and even then loyalty only went so far. It was the way they kept us in line, the two group of people in our District, the people from the Seam and the people from the Merchant class. Looking now in the waiting room, I see that with the fall of the Capitol my family grew to include many people that I would have never guessed.

Annie comes back with some hot chocolate she had made in her house for me. It was hard at first talking to Annie, without thinking about Finnick. The people that we lose are always the hardest. It always seems like the wounds never heal no matter how much time goes by. Sometimes I wake up in a panic trying to search for Finnick, through the hissing of the animals that tracked me down and killed everyone who with me. This small gesture now doesn't at all wipe away the debt that I owe her and her son Liam. It is a debt that brings us together and now it is why she would do anything for me because she says that we are family.

"Thanks," I say to her trying to focus on the warmness of the cup in my hands. That is probably another reason I hate hospitals, the fact that I could never get warm here, it is always cold enough to cause my teeth to chatter. The only comfort that I wish I could have is his warm arms around me, for him to hold me the way he usually does, the way he always made me feel protected. All I have now is what my mother gave me, his green sweater that he wore that day, it is the closet thing that I have to him, it still smells like him. I lower my head to blow on the cup, but really I just take deep breathes to try and capture his scent. It was always this mild scent of bakery dough. Almost every night he would bake something, anything. There was one time that he spent the entire night just baking. We had gotten into an argument and he told me later that he had sworn that he would never go to sleep angry with me, so he spent the whole night baking. We must have eaten cheese buns for a week that time. Good thing it was in the District, so we gave most of those away to children who were hungry.

What was the fight about, I try to remember. It was probably something so stupid that now it doesn't seem to matter.

"Any news," Annie asks sipping on her own cup of hot chocolate. It was a couple of hours ago when she came in with Liam and April. They had moved out to District Four after they got married and although Annie would never say it, she loved the fact that her son came back to live here.

"No," I say trying to hide the disappointment and the fear in it. "Last thing I heard was that he was still in surgery." I let out a deep long sigh. "The thing that bothers me, is the not…"

Looking down at the cup I cannot bring myself to finish the sentence. Could be that I am exhausted from lack of sleep, or that I just don't want to think about it. Think about Peeta there with tubes in him, doctors working to keep him from…

I feel a small squeeze of my shoulder and turning over to look at her I let out a small smile. I don't know how she does it. For years I had always wanted to ask her how she has survived without Finnick all these years. She is definitely a lot stronger than me. I almost lost it when the Capitol had him, and was torturing him. Those days I try to forget, try to remember time after the War as the moments when Peeta came back to me. I don't think we had been apart this long before.

"Do you know that Liam still has that paper airplane," she says to me.

I turn to her a little bit shocked.

"You mean the one that he made when he was a little kid?" I ask.

She nods. "Turns out once I was over at their house and I found it in a book of memories that they started. The book that you guys gave them."

The memory comes and I can still remember it. Peeta running around trying to think of what to get them for their wedding. We finally came to the idea of getting them a book of memories, like the one we had. We spent hours with them writing in entries about Finnick, and the memories we remembered about them.

"I was turning the pages and there was the a folded paper airplane," she says smiling. "He always knew what to do to get someone to smile. I can still remember the cake."

The door opens and we both look up. There is a doctor talking to a nurse and as they look up and see us they begin to walk towards us. My heart starts to race and I don't know why but I don't think I am breathing. Everything slows down and I can feel Annie's arm holding me up. It isn't Doctor Asher, and it isn't my mother so I don't know what this means.

"Mrs. Mellark?" he says clearing his throat.

"Yes," I say sheepishly.

"Just wanted to let you know that the surgery went off without any complications. He is currently in recovery," he says. A rush of relief gushes over me. I don't know if I should laugh or cry, I think I may faint but Annie arm tightens and when I look at her she smiles. Looking back to the doctor I just want to hug him in relief. His demeanor though is very serious and something tells me that he wasn't done before we interrupted him.

"When can I see him?" I blurt out. I want to see him, to hold his hand, to be around him, just so I know that he is safe.

"That is something you would have to talk to the head surgeon before you can see him," he says ushering me to the door. I begin to walk behind him and when I look to Annie I see that she just stopped there. I want to tell him that I needed her, that I wanted to her to be with me as support but nothing comes out. I guess she isn't ready to come into a hospital after all these years. My mother told me that she would have to treat her in her house, that she wouldn't go into the Hospital at all. Seeing her here in the waiting room, and I know that the gesture she just made is one of the largest ones she could think of.

She just raises a hand as saying goodbye for now. I just lift my hand to match hers, trying to say thank you.

The door closes behind us and we walk down the hallway to the nearest elevators where we wait for the one to come. The anticipation is enough to drive someone crazy. I turn to him.

"Is everything okay?" I say. "I mean with Peeta?"

He doesn't turn to look at me, which of course I know means that something is wrong and he just won't tell me. Before I can even start to ask him another question, the ding of the elevator opens the door and I walk inside. He follows me in and presses a button that requires a card key to activate which of course is the second thing that I notice that means something is wrong.

"It is better than you hear it from the head surgeon," he says.

Once we reach the floor and the doors open he tells me that it is the fifth door to the left. I walk out to the empty hallway and as I hear the echo of my footsteps, I remember the last time that I was in an empty hallway. It is the same feeling, like I cannot breath and I cannot think of anything else but Peeta, and getting to him. We walk down the hallway, until the doctor stops in front of a door. He tells me that he is behind this door and gestures at the door knob. As I turn the door knob I can feel my heart almost stop, and my breathing catching in my lungs refusing to come back out.

"Katniss," the soothing voice comes from behind the desk. I can't help but smile. I am pretty sure that Peeta didn't know and if he did, I will make sure to kill him for not telling me.

He adjusts his glasses before standing and walking over to me. It isn't something that I have to wait for, but it is something that we always do. He opens his arms and I walk right into them. I can't help it, the strong façade that I once had is now crumbling and everything that I had been holding in the last couple of days, the fear, the anger, just explodes in an outburst of emotions. I start to shake and can feel the tears just streaming freely without any hesitation.

"There, there," Doctor Aurelius says patting on my back. "Remember what we had always said, that husband of yours is a fighter and he told me that he wouldn't leave you back then."

Those words stick and I hear them repeated over and over in my head. He is a fighter. This could mean only one thing, that the war or the fight isn't over. It is almost as he could see it in my face what I am thinking or worrying about. He places a hand on mines and leads me to a chair. He sits right in front of me.

"I know you are worried," he says turning to get something from on top of the desk.

He pulls out a folder and opens it. He shows me scans from the first time in District Thirteen. Back when I got married I made sure that everything about Peeta's condition I knew and could understand. This time around he shows me the brain scans and how much progress has been. It was awful the first time I saw it, his brain looked like it was invaded by roots touching every part of his brain.

"As you can see, we have been able to reduce the violent tremors," he starts. "The fact that the injections have been lowered to a powder version has helped Peeta continue on his recovery. Throughout the years the recovery had left these small lesions, or scars on the brain. Many of these branches have been removed and that is why more and more Peeta is returning to who he was before. There is this one here."

Why is he telling me this? I know all this, I have been through all the test, and through all the examinations, and through all the crap, through all the struggle.

"Doctor," I stop him by placing my hand on his wrist bringing down the x-ray. He looks at me and I know what he is trying to do. It is something that we all do when we are trying to buy time. It is what I would do, it is what Peeta did, talk, talk, talk trying to buy time. Trying your hardest not to admit that you have something bad to say.

"Please just tell me," I say.

"It isn't good," he says. He lifts the x-ray to the light and traces a black line. It runs from top of his left side and underneath. "Remember when I told you that this area right here was called the Temporal lobe? Well it controls memory, emotions, and equilibrium. The last lesion caused a hemorrhaging in this area, which we were able to repair, but we haven't been able to wake him up. The swelling is too much and he isn't responding to stimulus."

All of my air has just left my body. It is a very good thing that I am sitting because I don't think my body would have held me up. I don't hear him walking towards me, I don't remember him talking to me. It is as if everything just went silent and if there was any sound, it was probably the sound of my heart coming to complete stop. Did everything just stop? Did my heart stop? Did my lungs forget to breath in the air? What about my eyes, did they forget to blink? Everything just feels empty. The picture of him being okay, now feels so far away, his smile now removed.

"Katniss," I hear muffled. I see a flash of light, move across and then flash back again. I feel something on my hands, a tingling sensation. The muffle sound starts again and I see the flashes faster and faster until finally my eyes focus on the blob in front of me.

"Can you hear me?" I hear Doctor Aurelius ask. I have to think about it for a second, almost as if my mind is trying to process a new language. I nod my head and he finally lets out a sigh of relief and clicks what I can see is a small flashlight. I don't remember what just happened, or why it seems that I just blacked out. Looking down I see the two fingers on my wrists and Doctor Aurelius looking at his watch. After a couple of seconds he looks up and then sits back down.

"I need you to breathe," he says. "Because I cannot go through that again."

I nod automatically and remind myself to breath in and out almost as if my body just simply forgot. Like lightning it is that fast, the pain that I feel in my head. I instinctively lift my hand to my forehead and after a couple of seconds I look down to my hand and find no blood. His face flashes before my mind and immediately I know what just happened.

"Tell me, please," I say to Doctor Aurelius.

He looks at me. It is the first time he really looks at me. I can see the sadness in his eyes, almost as if this is the only real reason he is still here. Like almost as if Peeta happiness is what keeps him going. I know that feeling, it is what sometimes keeps me from going to that dark place. The children keep me going because I see him in them. I see his strength, I see his love in them, the product of his love in them. All this keeps me going, and I know that knowing that Peeta will finally be okay, keeps Doctor Aurelius going. He looks away now and focuses on a point that is just to the left of me. Probably that is the only way he can say what I have asked. To take away the hope and to give me the unvarnished truth.

"The damage maybe worse than what we expect," he says somberly. "We are monitoring him, but there is a possibility."

He stops and looks away as if the words hurt him, causes his body to flinch. I put my hand on his wrist.

"If we are able to revive him," he says. "There is a strong possibility that he may have little to no memory of events, of…people."

It is there, it is what he had most feared. He wasn't fearing Peeta's health, he was fearing that he would forget places, and more importantly that he would forget me. He doesn't know Peeta, the real one, the one away from the camera, and from everyone, the one that is truly only around when it is just him and me. He hasn't seen his resolve, he doesn't know how deep the way we feel for each other. If he did, he would know that nothing could ever keep him from forgetting, he is just too stubborn.

"Where is he?" I say, not asking if I could see him. Permission is something that goes out the window, when people begin to doubt Peeta. It isn't his fault, he doesn't know, he couldn't, he only knows what Peeta has shown him, what we have shown him. I know that all we need is to be around each other. That is all I know, that is all I need.

He hangs his head, knowing that what he was trying to tell me wasn't going to get me to realize the gravity of it. He walks over to the telephone and marks on the pad. The conversation is short and to the point, saying that I was going to see Peeta. Once he finishes listening to the person on the other side of the phone, he just repeats the same thing again, "she will get to see Peeta."

He walks next to me after that, through the hallways. In the distance I see the bright yellow doors that state the beginning of the privacy wing. It was built to scramble all electronic video and audio recorder devices on purpose so that no one can record either by audio or by video. It was an enhancement that was made by Beetee because he was asked by the then President. The privacy wing was made only for the Capitol government and for high level District officials.

Once we are through security we finally reach the rows of rooms. I count them in my head, one, two, three, four, before we stop in front a white door. He turns back at me and smiles before turning the knob and opening the door. Inside I hear the beeping sound of the machines. The room is dark, with a small amount of light coming through the window blinds. There are no paintings on the wall, there is nothing around but white walls with a bed, one night stand, and one chair.

As I walk in, I see Doctor Aurelius walk toward what I think is a light switch. He slowly turns a knob and then a soft light begins to come on. There in front of me, lit up by a soft light, it almost looks as if Peeta is glowing, glowing from the inside, a steady fire from the inside.

The boy who was on fire.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

KATNISS

Puzzles were always my favorite thing to do when I was small. We didn't have much at our house but once when I got sick, my father decided from the money he got from trading at the Hob that he would buy me a puzzle. They of course didn't have the ones that you would buy for children, it was one of those that seemed to have a million pieces. He would help me every night when he got home. Even back then I knew what an effort that was, seeing how he work almost fourteen hours. It was his way of spending time with me when I couldn't go out in the woods with him. He would always tell me that it is all about patience and finding the right piece for the right time.

"Don't focus on the amount of pieces," he said picking up the piece I had just thrown to the ground. Must have spent hours trying to find a match for the piece that I have. The famous brown black blob that looks like it maybe a shadow of a tree, who knows.

"There are millions of pieces, it would take me forever just to get it done," I say looking at him. He of course remains so calm that I wonder if he ever gets frustrated.

He grabs the nearby chair moving it closer to me. Placing a hand on my head he leans in and kisses the top of it. He places the piece on the table right in front of me. Although it was snowing outside his hands are always warm. Once he places the chair next to me, he sits down with a groan. I know how tired he must be. Working all day for almost all week, seems to have taken a toll on him.

"How are you feeling kiddo," he says.

"A lot better," I lie. After spending all day cooped up in this house, I feel like I am going crazy. For the last couple of days I haven't been able to go hunting with my dad in the mornings and subject to eat beets soup every day because mom says it is the best thing. I think that it is because it is the only thing we have. I swear my tongue looks just like a beet from all the soup I had been drinking. He leans back and I know what he sees, the basket full of tissues.

"Uh…huh," he says looking at me. "That is good because I would need someone to take care of Prim while I take your mother out."

It was his way of calling me out. I wriggle my nose and finally come clean by coughing and even pretending to sneeze. He just lets out a laugh and playfully pinches my nose.

"Well I would ask to see if you need help but I am pretty sure that you have this all figured out," he says looking over to the mountain of pieces and of course the box.

"Well," I say. "You are right, I really don't need help, everything is exactly where I want it, but if you want to sit with me, I don't mind."

He lets out a warm smile and cracks his fingers as if he is getting ready for something so big that requires stretching his muscles and warm up his hands. We must have talked that day for hours. I miss him sometimes, and now looking at Peeta there lying on the bed, I really wish he could tell me what to do, because I don't know.

As I walk towards him, I can sense Doctor Aurelius slowly excuse himself out of the room. We have a mutual understanding that we both want Peeta to get better. I reach out and gently grab his hand. The warmness of his hand brings a smile to mine. The way our hands fit, it is like we were made to fit, just like my father told me.

"Well seems like you have this tree almost done," he says pointing to a blob of green. I examine it, and even have to turn my head to see if I can make out when he sees.

"How can you tell that it is a tree?" I ask looking at the box. "It could be the grass over on this side."

He looks at the box and then takes a closer look at the pieces that he had found. He pretends that he is thinking and then finally as if a light bulb just turned on he grabs the box and puts it underneath the table.

"Now tell me," he says. "Does it look like the tree or the grass?"

I sit there trying to understand what he is saying and of course without the box to guide me I guess it could be the tree and not the grass. Then again it could be the grass and not the tree. Without the box, the possibility could be either.

"Looks like both," I tell him.

"It is sometimes good to see the big picture, I mean it is important…sometimes," he says bringing back up the box. "Only it is sometimes way much more fun to see it without the big picture. Don't you think?"

I smile and he smiles right back at me. He then places a hand on my forehead. He looks over back to the rooms and standing up he walks to the bag that he had placed on the ground next to his boots. Opening the bag he removes a single black coal. He places a finger on his mouth telling me to keep quiet about the coal. In the winter time we have to save them and burn them only a couple a night. I guess he must have realized that I was cold all alone here in the living room. It is always colder in the living room in the winters. The window never seems to close all the way. The only good thing about this is that the person who has to sleep in the living room always got the thick comforter. Something that we always had to do when one of us was sick. We couldn't afford to have more than one person sick so on days when someone is sick, that person would sleep in the living room on the sofa.

"Don't tell your mother," he says whispering. "If not our little puzzle piece family will be missing a piece…me."

Opening the furnace he tosses in the coal and with a nearby stick, stokes the fire before closing it. The heat of course is not noticeable, but I guess it is the thought that counts. After a couple of minutes I could feel my eyes get heavy and let out a deep yawn. I had been waiting for my dad to come home for a while and now that he is here, I only wish I could spend more time with him.

"Hey now," he says. "I thought a bear was in this place. Are you sure that you are not hiding a cub somewhere?"

I smile but can feel my body begin to shut down. The only thing that I remember after that is my father's arms as he scooped me up and walking to the sofa. Once I am under the covers I feel a kiss on my forehead and a whisper in my ear.

"Goodnight kiddo," he says. He died two weeks later.

Opening my eyes I see my hand is still holding onto Peeta's. Who would have thought, that after all these years he would become the love of my life? Probably the only one who knew back then would have been Peeta. My father would have liked him, Peeta reminds me sometimes of my father sometimes. The way he would look at my mother, or kiss her hand when she placed it on his cheek, he always did that and I never knew where he got it from. Looking at him now, I don't know how I know this, but I can tell that he knows that I am here. The bandages around his head make it seem like one of those hats. He would probably laugh at himself if he saw himself in it.

"I am here," I finally say. "The kids have been asking when you are going to take them fishing. Liam and April want to know if they could come. Truly everyone just wants to be around us, sort of feels like the good old days. But well not so good. My mother can't stop cleaning, getting everything ready. I hear that even Haymitch might finally decide to come, I mean if he can keep himself from falling. You remember the first time we met him, he fell in his own vomit? I still don't even want to imagine what you had to do to get him clean."

It is useless. It is the same thing that Doctor Aurelius was doing. The same ramble on and on that Peeta would do when he was nervous. I don't know when I started to do it, I guess I have been around Peeta long enough to pick up some of his habits. I close my eyes trying hard not to say what I have to. Not to admit what is already there.

"Doctor Aurelius says that everything went perfect, that the operation was a success. He was able to repair and remove a good portion of what the Capitol did."

I stand up and looking at him, I feel as if I may not have the strength to see him like this. I wish I could just run off into the woods like I would do when my mother would she would have someone who was dying or barely holding on.

"I need you to wake up though, Peeta," I say whispering. Placing my thumb on my lip it is all my energy to keep me from trembling. Leaning in closer to him, I remember that when he was shot, he told me that he could hear me yelling at him to fight. He can hear me, I know he can. I walk closer to him and lean in as close as my nerves would allow me. I can feel him so close.

"Please," I say trembling, my voice no longer steady. I try not to think about it, to think about how he has suffered so much. It is as if it comes back every single time he is in trouble. That night in the arena. Every time we come together it is as that night always pulls us apart. If I had done what he had asked, probably things would have turned out differently.

It is then that it hits me. I don't know why, but it hits me as if my father was still talking to me. It is as if I needed exactly what I was thinking about right now in order to make sense of everything. The grass and the tree. The choices we make in life.

"It is sometimes good to see the big picture, I mean it is important…sometimes," he says. "Only it is sometimes way much more fun to see it without the big picture. Don't you think?"

He is my missing piece and I don't care what the big picture looks like, I only want him to be with me. Some may see it as the grass, but I see it as a tree and it will always be a tree. It is then that I sit back down, and looking at him I clear my throat. It is the only thing that I can do to keep myself from finally breaking down.

"His name was William Everdeen," I say. "He was around forty five years old when I lost him. He loved his family fiercely and would protect us at all cost. He was a man of many smiles, mostly inside the house, but very serious outside. I know I know, he sounds like me, but what can you expect, where do you expect I got it from. Anyways, he loved oatmeal, which of course I found to be a mush paste. I think that he liked it so much because it was hot. That and the use of cinnamon, it always filled the house. He liked it on almost everything that he ate."

The memory fills my nose. The smell of cinnamon coming from the kitchen. The smallest kitchen that you could imagine was the one that we had. He would always help my mother cook whatever it was that he would hunt. He would clean it and my mother would decide what to make from it. The hot oatmeal, it was one of his favorite, but what an awful taste, I would rather eat wild dog than feel that texture.

"The first day he took me into the woods," I continue. "I was so scared. Although of course I never showed it. Even when he asked me if I was...of course I said no. Good thing it was winter because I could hide the shaking in the layers of sweaters...and before you think less of me, I was after all...five going on six. I think he took me in the winter because there would be less predators. I'd like to think that it was because I would try and take down a bear, but I knew better. You should have him Peeta, the way he moved in the woods, it was if he was another person, so quiet, I swear if I closed my eyes long enough he would disappear. It is like his feet never touched the ground, always floating."

I can feel a tear roll off my cheek. I never knew that I missed him so much. I don't even wipe it away, but just let it stay there at the edge of my jaw. All this time I know how much Peeta wanted to know about my father. He wouldn't push me, he wouldn't even ask. The only reason why I knew that he wanted to know, was because whenever I would talk about him, he would attentively listen, his eyes would widen and it didn't matter what he was doing, he would stop and actually come and listen. Once Lilly asked me about him, and he was cooking in the kitchen and I could hear that he stop mixing the meat. It is as if he heard Lilly. The minute that I opened my mouth to speak, he was already at the door of the kitchen looking at us. By the time he realized that he had been listening, the meat was a little bit more crispier than what we were us to. She had only asked me what was my father's favorite color, but I guess I never did talk about him, I don't know why. I guess like Prim, I didn't anyone to know because I didn't think they would appreciate it as much as I would.

"It was a great day," I say smiling. "We only caught three rabbits, but it was enough to get my father laces for his boots that had broken. Peeta, it was the weirdest thing..well at least to me who has never heard it before, but when we walking back, there were birds singing. I thought for sure they were the stupidest animal known, I mean what game would announce where they were. But you know what, my father didn't raise his bow, all he did was stop and he actually started to sing."

I stop and try to think what the song that he sang. I mean I can hear the melody but I can't make out the words. The only reason why I thought it was weird was because as my father sang, all the birds just stop singing, almost as if they were waiting to hear him sing, almost as if they were listening. He never sang, not even for birthdays, he just smiled. It was as if he was two people, one in the district and one in the woods. I start to hum it, trying to think of the words. It is low at first barely audible, but I don't know why, but I start to hum it a little bit louder until I can hear it, hear my father singing it. I guess I just wanted to hear him sing, or probably I was so shocked, that day I didn't move, didn't say a thing to stop it. I was like those birds, wishing to hear more, wishing to always hear it. The words just started coming out as if I knew them from my heart, as if I had put it in a chest and locked it away deep inside me, a memory that I wanted to keep forever.

"In this place, I thought

I knew that dreams was all I had

I figured love was something

That didn't exist

Your voice showed me I was wrong

You gave your smile to me and now I see"

Just like that day those words at first I wondered why he never sang before. He had such a beautiful voice, rich and filled with emotions. I guess keeping it all inside, all the emotions, all what he wished he could say and in the woods was he way of releasing it.

I guess I must have held my breath because when I let it out, it made a little bit too much noise and my father stopped and looked back at me. All he did was wave me to where he was. I walked a little bit slower than usual kicking myself because I wanted to hear more.

"You see that right there," he says pointing at the bird on the branch. "That right there is a mockingjay and if you just wait a little bit."

We wait and then finally the little mockingjay started to repeat the melody my father had just sang. It was so beautiful coming from the bird, that another one nearby picked up the melody and repeated it again and then another one and then another one. It is as if it was all around us, near and far, but it sounded beautiful.

"How does it do that?" I ask. He looks at me and explains to me how the Mockingjay was a child of the Mocking Bird and the Jabberjay. One made by nature and the other made by the Capitol. The Capitol made it spy on the rebels during the dark days. They were able to repeat whole sentences and conversations, but when the rebels found out they started feeding it false information. The Capitol let the Jabberjays just die off, with no fault of its birth and no fault of its use. But instead of dying off, the Jabberjays mated with the Mocking Bird and what the Capitol had never intended to create, Mockingjays were born.

We walked slower than day, until we were almost at the fence. The question burned in my mind for such a long time that I simply had to know.

"Papa," I say. He turns and looks at me. "Who was the song about?"

A smile comes to his face, and as he turns to see the fence he leans in and whispers in my ear.

"Your mother."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

KATNISS

Love makes you do crazy things. It makes you think that anything is possible and that nothing really matters. It sometimes sounds like an addiction, because when you are in love, you always want to be around the person, that somehow being around that person brings you some sort of peace. After my father died, the thoughts of love died along with it. I saw what love did to my mother, who clearly loved my father enough to leave her life in the Merchant class to marry someone from the Seam. She forgot about us, and left us there, all because she couldn't handle her addiction. It sounds like a drug, like morphling, and I can still see the way the two Victors from District Eleven, the way their whole I don't know, essence was sucked right out of them. Just like love sucking the essence out of my mother.

"Mama," I hear. Turning around I see Lilly, but odd, she is about ten. Looking around I see that I am no longer in the hospital room. Was that were I was? I remember being in a hospital, holding someone's hand. Who was that? Lilly is shaking my hand, more than likely she is going to tell me that Thomas did something mean to her.

"What happened sweety," I say trying to remember that she is ten and well although I am not one to baby talk with anyone, I had been told that it helps. Wait, who told me that?

She continues to shake me and call out my name. I try to move my hands but something is weird it is as if I am there but not really there. What is going on? I can feel my heart being to race. It is a nightmare, but this is the first one like this. I try to say anything but, nothing comes out. I can feel my mouth moving but nothing is coming out. I close my eyes.

"This is a bad dream," I say to myself over and over again. "When I wake up, I will be back…"

I pause because I cannot remember where I was, and all I can remember is where I am right now. Once I open my eyes, I can't help it, but I feel as if I know where I am. I can see the old living room with the old sofa. Where is Lilly? I turn and walk by and see no one. It is when I hear it, her voice calling out for her Mama. I think it is odd, because I recognize the voice, it isn't Lilly's. Looking at the small little girl coming towards me I see the two braids instead of one. I see myself.

"Snap out of it," I yell at myself. The little girl that looks exactly like me is telling me to come back to her. This can't be true. The little girl starts to shake me, and suddenly I am back in the hospital room. My instincts are on fire, I can feel someone behind me, a hand on my left shoulder. I dip my shoulder and swing my left forearm up to meet my assailant. Right as I swing to meet the person I see the person move out of the way. I instinctively go for my bow which of course I realize that I don't have one.

"Katniss," the person yells. When my eyes focus, I see it is not an assailant, but my mom. She is still fast for an older woman, either that or I am not as fast as I once was. Standing I put my hands over my eyes covering it. It is too much, the whole thing. What if I lose him? Will I become like she was? I can't do this by myself. I look at her, and she just stands there waiting for me. It isn't fear that keeps her, it is that our relationship hasn't always been the warm one, but we still have a very good relationship.

"Nightmare," she asks.

"This is all a nightmare," I tell her. I can feel the sweat on my back, I feel so weak and so alert at the same time. The thought of it, the nightmares that I have had in the past is nothing compare to this. It is the truth, this has all been a nightmare. When I lost him to the Capitol, it was the worst days, it was where I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, but when I saw him there on the screen, there was hope. When I had him back, it didn't matter what they did to him, I had him back. Even when the whole arena was going up in fire and we were stuck in a cave trying to survive, we were together. But now this is different. There isn't anything that I can do, no enemy I can fight, no medicine that I can go and get, he just doesn't wake up, what if he never does? How could I move on, how can I continue to function? Will it happen, the nightmares, will I simply just fade to nothing. The addiction gone, and the drug no longer in my system, will love kill me too? This being the very first time that I might lose him. "Mama, how did you do it?"

"Do what?" she says walking towards me. Once she is a couple of inches from me, she just places her arms around me, unsure at first but then when she closes them around me. I can feel her warmth. I start to feel her love that I had been shutting out.

"Come back after losing Papa," I say so low that I don't think she heard me. I can feel my whole body shaking. I see him there in the background just lying there so silently, almost as if nothing is wrong. She keeps her arms tightly around me, and a small part of me wants to pretend that we are back to that moment back when I was eleven.

"Ssssh," she said in a whisper. "That isn't going to happen. He will be fine."

I try to bury my eyes more into her chest, to forget it all. The Games, the War, everything, forget the hurt, forget the love that always come with it. I know it is horrible to think it, but sometimes in the back of my mind, in the very back deep in the darkest shadows is a thought that what if I hadn't. What if my mother was there for us, and I didn't have to take full care of Prim. Would I have been like Peeta's brothers?

The tears and pain of that thought is ingrained deep within my bones. It is the darkest thing that I had ever tried to forget. If she had been there, would I have still protected Prim that day? I hate them for making me think of this, for questioning if I would have. It is not enough that the Capitol has taken everything, my father, my sister, my friends, everyone I care for, but now long after they are gone, they are taking away my own soul.

"You can't know that," I say. "He is just there, and he won't open his eyes. I have done everything possible, everything, I talk to him, I told him about Papa, something he had always wanted to know. I even sang him one of Papa's songs."

"Which one?" she says.

"It was the one about your smile," I say.

She pulls me away from her and I look at her there as if a painful memory just flashed. After all these years it is seems that it is still too difficult to talk about the man of her life, the one she has lost. It takes her a couple of seconds before she could compose herself again.

"I only heard the one verse," I say trying to apologize. "I am…sorry."

She walks over to the empty chair next to Peeta. She sits down on it, and waves me over to her. I walk tentatively over to her keeping my arms crossed.

"Listen," she starts to say softly. "I know this is hard to hear, but you are stronger than I ever was. I know that I hurt you after your father died. This whole time, I know that you never thought of it, but when Lilly became closer to…I never…wanted you to think that you were like…me. You are so much more stronger. You are like your father, you always were."

I don't know but that last comment makes me want to smile. It was always a secret of mine, to be able to hunt like him, and to be able to have the same way of thinking. Prim once caught me in my father's hunting jacket. Must have been eight or so, but I tried it on after my father had gone to sleep. Prim got into papa's boots, and tried with all her might to walk in them. Neither of us realized that after a while the coal dust gets on the inside of the boots, which of course got on her socks. Mama was so mad, but Papa of course just laughed at the sight of Prim's black socks that were once white.

"Katniss come here," she says patting the chair that she must have brought in. I walk over to it and sit next to her. Our view is of a boy that is no longer a boy but a friend, a husband, and finally a father. I place my head on her shoulder and her hand reaches up and curls around my chin to the side of my head. Her hands just caress my hair, until finally I just lower my head onto her lap. She continues to caress my hair and I just close my eyes trying to focus on her breathing. If anyone were to come into the room, they would see a woman in her sixties comforting her daughter who is close to her forties, and you know what, I don't care. I have missed this my whole life.

"You will see," she says. "Everything will work out."

"Mama?" I say trying to sound as shyly as possible.

"Hmm," she says.

"Tell me about the song?" I ask always wanting to know and could never really ask her without causing an emotional meltdown. Something about today though, and Peeta being in the room that suddenly I think that she might be able to tell me and that we might be able to let each other in. It is a couple of minutes and I think she might have zoned out before I hear her again.

"Well," she starts. "You have to understand, that times were different before you were born. The Districts were a lot stricter and the mood was one of a prison. Your father had been coming into the Apothecary shop for a couple of weeks now. All the girls in the District wanted your father to talk to them, the hunter. My mother of course wanted me to steer clear of him, after all we were in the Merchant class and he was from the Seam."

She pauses and I have to open my eyes to see her. Her hand had stop making circles in my hair and is now up to her face wiping away her tears. I know the feeling, and now looking at her, I can begin to understand her.

"He would always come inside with herbs that he would tell me he got from the woods," she says with an obvious smile in her voice. You can tell that she still feels herself that young girl getting to know my father. "He would at first try and impress me with where he got the herbs and plants, but when he saw that it really didn't impress me much, he started adding a couple of flowers that had no medicinal properties whatsoever. I would tell him over and over and he would still bring them and add them to the pile that he traded with us. It was his way of bringing me flowers. Of course I could never keep them, because if the Peacekeepers found them, then it would get both my family and him in trouble."

I can just imagine it in my head. My mother had always been a very elegant woman, beautiful when you really look at her. I think about the cheese buns that Peeta would make me, and can see the same thing that my father did. It brings an emptiness in my heart though when I think of Peeta.

"At least yours wasn't making you fat," I say smiling. "Peeta was always making me cheese buns because he knew it was my favorite."

"Funny, how boys try to grab our attention huh," she says. "He was always trying to get me to smile, telling me these god-awful jokes. We had a game of it. I couldn't help smiling when your father finally sang me that song. It was there that I knew."

She would tell me the story on how he took her for the first time into the woods to find those herbs that she loved so much. She told me that she was so scared. They went to this big field where the flowers just bloomed. I can just picture it, although I still don't know where it would be in the Woods. Exploring the woods isn't something you really do, at least it isn't something that we did. Probably my father was much more adventurous that I was. He probably explored because he wanted to bring her more herbs.

"It was during the harvest festival, where all the Peacekeepers were in the festival and not watching very closely," she said. "Once in the woods he started showing me where the herbs grew, and which one where the hardest to find and which ones would only grow in the winter times. He never let go of my hand, although I told him that he would have to in order to shoot the arrows. He of course would try and impress me, even had me shoot an arrow...I miss him."

I look at her and grabbing her hand I try to let her know that it is okay. She tells me that I wouldn't end up like her, but I don't know, I think I might. I don't know what I would do if I lost Peeta.

She lets out a small laugh. "Just thinking about how he tricked me, still makes me laugh."

Looking at her, of course I have absolutely no idea what she is talking about. She smiles at me from above and continues.

"Well we had that game where he was trying to get me smile," she says. "He said that if he could get me to smile in the next ten minutes, that I would have to give him a kiss."

My cheeks flush at the thought. The thought that my father would do such a thing, I wonder why it was never that way when we were in the District. Did they lose that sort of passion.

"I guessing he tricked you?" I say a little unsure if I want to know that my parents made out in the woods. She nods and tells me that he started to sing her that song he made up for her and at the end of the song he actually tickled her into laughing, which to him was a sort of smiling. "I of course kissed him that day. He told me later that he was going to kiss me anyways, and I told him that I would have let him."

"What happened?" I ask wondering why we never knew any of this back when we were younger. I didn't mean for it sounds so harsh, and as the words escaped my mouth I wish I could take them back.

"We never let it go away, but found a way to let each other know how we felt inside the fence," she says not really paying attention to my comment. It looks as if she is staring out in the eternity of her memories just now. "He would always put a small little dot in the bathroom mirror when he would go to the mines. The hot water would fog up the mirror and with his finger he would always make it on the edge on the lower side corner. He told me that it was to let me know that although the whole district couldn't see how much he loved me, that one spot, that one dot was him loving me always."

I never noticed it. Prim would always go and clean the mirror as she was the first one to always take a bath in the mornings. It was the smallest things that no one else would notice that she would. She started talking about my father's continual stubbornness to never let her sell any of her old dresses from her life in the Apothecary. He said that he made her give up so much beauty that she should keep something beautiful. My mother told me that it never matter to her, that she would have rather have him than all the dresses in the world.

We are so close to Peeta that I could just reach out and grab his hand. I wonder if he is dreaming, or hearing us talk about my father. I know that if he is anywhere, he would be here. He told me once that when he was with the Capitol, that I was all he thought about. I wonder if he is thinking about me. The dot in a foggy mirror, what a Peeta thing to do, and it wasn't even him, it was my father.

As I grab his hand, I feel how warm it is. It is odd, because it is much warmer than I remember. If I could I would show him that although the whole world thinks there is no hope, that there is a small dot in the fog mirror that says there is. The tip of my fingers brushed along his palm, and it was then that something happened that I couldn't have expected. It caused me to smile as wide as I had ever done.

I felt a twitch on his finger, it is faint, but I know it is there.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

KATNISS

"Peeta!" I exclaim causing my mother to jump out of her chair. My open hand reaches for his hand that still holds mines. I know I felt it. The way his hand feels in mines, I have held it for years, and I know him, almost as if I had known him my whole life. She looks at me as I rush towards him to see if his eyes were open. Looking at him there, it looks as if nothing has happened, his eyes continue to be closed, his breathing continues to be controlled, and even the beeping sound of the machines didn't change, everything looks the same. Turning back to look at my mom, her face has changed from a smile to back to automatic mode.

"Mom, I felt it," I say. "I felt his hand tighten around mines."

She reaches in and grabs a small flashlight. Walking over to Peeta she opens one of his eyelids and flashes the light from left to right. Walking over to the other she does the same to the other eye. The brightness from the flashlight is so bright that I can tell that it is not an ordinary flashlight. Grabbing his wrist she begins to count softly. Then finally taking out the stethoscope she places it underneath his shirt, more than likely checking the breathing sounds. She hurries herself to the machines and check the numbers that of course mean nothing to me, but she clearly understands them.

"Katniss," she says with a tone that I recognize. She doesn't believe me, she thinks that I made it up because of something that I wanted.

"Mom," I say back in a harsher tone. "I know what I felt. I am not imagining it."

"I know," she says. "Sometimes though the body does have spasms. The smallest twitch can just be the body reacting.

"Reacting to what?" I tell her trying to get her to see my reasoning. I may have not known anything back then, about Peeta's condition, about what my mother knew and even the complicated medical terms, but now after years of this, I am pretty sure that I know what I am talking about. "The twitch would react from a signal of the nervous system, right? Well where does the signal come from? Do a test, do something, please Mom, I know he is there, I know he is coming back."

"Okay,…" a deep sigh comes from her. She should know that just like my father, I am as persistent or stubborn as a mule. "Get that cup over there," she says pointing to the nightstand. There in the where a purple cup sits. It isn't meant for drinking, at least I don't think it is, because of it larger top and tapered bottom. Probably it is a flower vase. Looking at it in my hands, it is meant to be held with two hands, and with it being metal it is light. "Fill it up with ice and a little bit of water and bring it over here."

She moves over a table of sort from the wall and tells me to place the cup on the table. Once that is done she grabs one of Peeta's hand and motions to me.

"Now when I tell you," she says. "I want you to place his hands in the cup of cold ice. I will check to see if there is any reaction."

She grabs her flashlight again and as she stands at the head of the bed, she opens one of his eyes and nods at me. Grabbing his left hand I slip it into the cold ice. The cool air that comes off the cup is enough to cause goose bumps all up my arms. I look at her with a sense hope, even if it is a small one. I think inside my head, pleading for a sign, for any sign that would show her that I am not crazy, that I did feel him there.

Turning towards me, she lets out the smallest smile that she can give me. It is enough. She sees something and probably that is why I feel as if I can breathe again. Hope, no matter how small will always be enough to keep you going.

She walks over to the nearby phone and picks it up, tell the person on the other side of the phone that she is requesting a MRI. As she is speaking she covers the phone and very nicely tells me.

"You might want to take his hand out of the cold water now," she says with a smile. "Don't think he is enjoying it all that much."

I look over and see the redness from the hand, and remove it quickly. Kissing it softly, I place both my hands in his rubbing feeling back into it. I can't help but smile, and although his eyes are not open, I know that he is there. It was exactly the same feeling I had when I saw him on the Capitol videos. Through the madness, through the pain, I could see, I could feel, that he was still there.

"I know you are there," I whisper close to his ears. "I know you can hear me. Please remember that we have always kept ours promises, and you promised me that we would have a tomorrow together. Now you fight, and you come back to me, come back to your family."

I could feel people rushing into the room as I stand back and let them take Peeta back for more tests. Leaving me there, the whole room empty but the two chairs and a nightstand, my mother comes to me and tells me that it would be better if I went back to her home to get freshen up and that she would call me when they had the results. At first I wanted to protest, that I wanted to be next to him throughout the test, but I know that it would be too hard to see, to imagine him having to go through another battery of tests.

"You cannot go on forever, you need to rest," she says seriously. "You will be the first one that I call with anything."

"I don't know if I could rest," I say.

"Katniss," she says. "You don't have to trust the doctors, you don't have to trust the exams, or even what they say, but trust me. He is there, I saw what you saw. Whatever you did, whatever it was that you said, it worked but really I need you to try…"

She places a hand on my cheek. It is still weird to see her acting so motherly, sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that I am truly not imagining it.

"Mom," I say trying to convey my uneasiness.

"I know," she says trying to reassure. It is that understanding that out of anyone here, she could understand what I am going through, or what I went through. She had lost the love of her life. Her love for him was something that as a child I couldn't understand. I thought it would be easy, or if not I couldn't trust myself to love anyone.

"You want to know how I did it," she says which at the moment I don't know what she is talking about. "After losing the one person that I loved so much that it hurt my heart to even think about it now, the only way that I came back, was when you volunteered. The one person who was exactly like him, I was losing, and I couldn't lose you, not you."

She looks down the hallway trying to hold in the emotion.

"You told me to, no…you made me promise that I would be there for your sister, that I would fight through it," she says grabbing both of my hands. "Now it is your turn. He is in there fighting, so I need you to remember that you have children and you have to promise the same thing. That you will fight."

I mouth the word okay, unable to find the strength to even speak. She gives me one more long embrace before turning and walking back towards the elevator. I see her hand come up to her face and then back down. Like me she has a very hard time showing emotions, and in that we are the same. I don't think that there would be any one in our family that wouldn't at least feel something. We are so conditioned by a government that no longer exist to hide the emotions that bind us together. My mother for so long has hid her love for my father, the stories that allow me to understand her, and for her to finally understand me.

The waiting room is filled with people that I do not know, with new people who are waiting for news of their loved ones. How did I make it so long without breaking? I feel as if any small thing could take me over the edge. I keep my head down, as I do not want to attract any attention, I honestly do not want to talk to anyone. Just a couple of feet till I reach the door. I count the steps until I am outside. There was one thing that the private floor in the Medical wing was that hardly anyone had access to it, no one gawking in the doors, or cameras to shy away from. Now that I am the lobby I can see the crowds of people. It has been years since a camera been shoved in my face and I aim to keep that way. Just four more steps, and I am outside. My hand reaches for the knob and as I turn it the door swings open and I the sun catches me by surprise. It is enough to cause my eyes to shut for a second. I can still hear the people and the waves, but cannot see anything as my eyes adjust to the sunlight. It has been a couple of days since I have been outside.

The familiar gravel brings a sense of comfort to me. As my eyes finally come to focus I can see that people are just walking by with no one looking at me. That is without the exception of the man to my right. The pungent smell is enough to turn my face in the opposite direction.

"God," I say. "Don't you ever take a bath?"

"What?" he says. "And let my wonderful odor vanish?"

It was something he always did to get people to stay away from him. He actually did it on purpose. Make it as uncomfortable to be around him as possible. This made everyone, every camera simply just walk right by him. The only ones that actually can stomach it of course is us. He is after all the ones we owe our lives to.

"Well there are no more cameras," I say. "Who are you trying to repel? Sea life?"

He lets out a laugh that can only be considered as a snarl. I hear the liquid swishing from side to side, and I know that either he is drunk or about to get drunk. One of the few rules that we made him promise when the children were born. If he gets drunk, he would have broken two of the most important.

"You know," I say. "I am thinking about going to my mother's house, to see my children. You might as well come with. Don't want you making a scene here."

Crunch, crunch, crunch. His steps have gotten slower and well no one talks about it, but we are all getting older. Turning around to see him, I see the greys have almost won out his browns. Effie once told him that he would look a lot more presentable if he would consider getting his hair colored. Of course his response was a very loud, very obnoxious, with the smell of death…fart. I think that was the last time Effie ever mentioned it. Peeta and I always had a secret little joke, on if Haymitch and Effie would ever finally get together.

"This of course isn't for me," he says. "Not with the umm…rules."

He hands me the bottle of white liquor. Looking at it, I see the seal is not broken and the weight is just about right. I grab it without a second thought, placing it underneath my arm. I look at him, and can see the obvious worry look on his face, hidden on top on the scowling that he has perfected throughout the years. The small children in District Twelve call Haymitch the boogie man, and him yelling at them doesn't help the matter.

"Thanks I guess," I say jiggling the bottle. "My mother can always use it to strip paint off the walls."

"Figured that is what you would use it for," he says sarcastically. It would be the easiest thing to do. To solve all my problems the way Haymitch does. To drink it away until I cannot even remember what it was that I was thinking about. Would one bottle be enough though, to erase the feelings of insecurity, the feelings of loneliness? I can still remember the only other time that I drank from a bottle. It was the only time I think that Peeta actually was disappointed in me, or at least that is what I felt.

We walk towards the main road. I have to slow down on purpose to let him keep up with my pace. The fact that he is here, means a lot to me, but of course I would never tell him, and he would never want me to say it. The more we grow older the more we don't talk, we just know.

"So sweetheart," he says with the same tone that he had always given me. At first I hated that little pet name he gave me, but now after all these years, it doesn't bother me anymore. "How is our prize possession?"

"He is fine," I say. "Still sleeping."

"Odd thing," he says. "I came by an hour earlier, and no one would give me any information. They even asked me to leave. Someone actually gave me this."

He jingles his hand with coins. I can't help but laugh at it, the mental picture of Haymitch walking into the lobby, and everyone thinking that he is a homeless person. Probably lasted a couple of minutes before he was escorted outside. I wonder if they even knew that he was the Victor of the second quarter quell.

The trip is a lot longer than usual with Haymitch stopping every five minutes to complain. I think that he is stopping because of the humidity. It is a lot warmer here in District Four than it is back in our District. I can see his struggle to breath, from the age and of course the excessive drinking. He has cut back just a little, and I had asked him to talk to someone about the nightmares, but he is too prideful and too much of an old fashion to ever ask for help.

"Hot out," I say stopping to look around. There are some people walking around. Looking back I see the Medical center and somewhere one of those windows, is a room where Peeta is right now. It is as if he realizes what I am thinking about, because Haymitch grumbles something about being hungry. I of course ignore the comment, and looking at him, I complain if he is ready to move on.

"Well if you are hungry, don't you think we should get moving?" I say. "And yes for the eighth time, your shoe laces are tied."

"What's got your braid in a knot," he says finally calling me out on my attitude. I honestly wished that I was alone right now, not really looking to talk to anyone about what is going on. The only one that I could or would share this with, is the one that I can't. "Almost as if someone died or got left behind."

"Still not funny," I say. "Don't think it will ever be funny. They don't know what is wrong with him, why he won't wake up."

"Listen up," he says sharply. "We have been through too much crap, given up too much of ourselves, for this to be the end. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, grow a pair and realize that he is still much more stronger than either one of us. Anyone else would have died long time ago."

A good swift kick in the butt. That is what Haymitch was always good for. He never held anything back, and sober he was even worst. I feel like just knocking him out, but I know that he is the only one that could get through me, could get me to realize that I have to be strong, because he is strong.

"Think about it," he says. "Everything he has gone through, I think something kept him from dying, although you never saw it, I knew it from the first day he told me. It just took some convincing with you."

I nod. Looking down at the bottle, I can see that Peeta wouldn't want me to crumble, he wouldn't want me to try and forget. He would want me to fight, just like my mother told me to. It would be something that he would do. His hope wouldn't be a dot on a foggy mirror, but the entire mirror would be his. He was so certain back then that I would make it. He fought so hard to keep me alive, in both the Games and even in the War, although he may not believe it, him surviving was only to protect me, to keep me alive.

Now it is my turn to be strong for him.

"Thank you for coming," I say as we walk towards the house.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

KATNISS

The rest of walk is quiet and without conversation. I have come to terms that we will get there when we get there. By the time we get to the house Peeta might be out of the test and I will have to go back anyways. It is a welcome thought, to keep my mind off the things that plague it. It is then that it hits me, my mother's last words to me as I left the hospital. That it would be a good idea to get out and clear my head, to think about something else but what is going on right now. I of course wouldn't put it pass her to have had asked Haymitch to come. They really don't talk much, although stranger things have happened before. It was my mother who made several calls to Doctor Aurelius when I need to talk. Although at first I was upset, I can now see that she had the best interest in mind. Looking at this sullen old man, that has seen everything, the nightmares that I have, he probably is the most qualified to help me.

Once we are on the porch of the house, I turn to Haymitch.

"Knock your boots," I tell him at the nearby post that Peeta had made one time we came here. It was a nifty little thing, to help kick the dirt, and snow out of the house. He looks at it, and once I show him how to do it, he just nods in approval.

The keys jingle and once I open the door I can see Thomas there sitting in the living room sofa writing. It is a tell-tale sign of something that is bothering him. He does what Peeta does when he cannot talk to me, he writes or paints. All the little things that annoy the hell out of me, Peeta has shown Thomas. Probably I shouldn't judge, at least they stay indoors, I would go into the forest to hunt. Looking around I don't hear or see Lilly.

"Thomas," I say. "Where is your sister?"

He doesn't look up. I see his pencil stop moving, as if he is waiting on something to say. When he continues to write, I can tell that they are probably having an argument. Taking off the sweater I place it on the nearby chair. I look to the ground and see that there are four packs, but her boots are missing. It is then that I hear it, very faint but I hear the sniff coming from Thomas. You can tell that he is upset about something, so I do what Peeta would do and sit next to him. He doesn't move away from me, but actually stops writing.

"Honey," I say surprising myself by the use of the word. Although Peeta knows that I am trying, I have never really been good with expressing emotions. Even with Prim, it was difficult to be open, because I never wanted her to worry. Funny how she was the one who helped me through the darkest moments in District Thirteen after I saw Peeta being tortured. I still remember what she did, so I do exactly the same thing. His hand doesn't move when mine touches it.

"She left," he says. "Said something about the Pier."

Placing my other hand on his I give it small squeeze. He looks up and then gives me a small smile. It is just then that I realize how much he looks like Peeta. The same crooked smile, when he is just wants to reassure me. The youngest of our family and still like his father, he is the one taking the role of the protector.

"Go," he says. "I will stay here."

Standing up I look at Haymitch. He nods and we have an understanding. As I walk to the back door of the house, I place the bottle under the sink, not wanting to tempt Haymitch. As I walk outside I make my way through the backyards of the homes that face the public street. The last thing that I need is to be stopped or to see anyone that might recognize me. The walk is a short one, and the Pier is visible from the house. Walking on the wooden pier, I see her in the distance. The bench that faces out to the ocean. It seems that she has a piece of bread and is tearing out small pieces to feed to the birds that are making their squawking or whatever it is that you call it.

I can tell that she knows that I am approaching because she stops throwing the pieces of bread. Sitting down next to her, I don't say anything and she doesn't either. We just watch the birds circling above and landing at our feet to grab the small pieces of stale bread. It is difficult to read her though, she is very quiet and hardly ever shows emotions. She talks more to her father than me.

"Is it true?" she finally says.

Confused I turned to her and wonder what she is talking about. Could it be she is asking about her father?

"Is what true?" I say.

She looks down at the bread and then without looking up, so starts to talk.

"Thomas heard that dad is the way he is because he was a killer and that our whole family are a bunch of killers and that he is being punished for it," she says. "That Haymitch, Annie, Liam, April, you and dad all killed people. That we are terrorist."

There is nothing that I can say that would be able to explain it. My mind goes blank. What do I say? How can I explain this to her, when it is one of the things I wish she would have never known about us. The past it seems will forever haunt us, and now it is questioning who we are to our kids. I can still see them, running through the field, playing on in the Meadow, underneath the mass grave of all the people who died in the bombings.

It was one of the things that I worried about, the questions and the stories they would hear. Lilly only knew that we were part of the Games, but never about the War, never about what we were forced to do.

"It is true," I say. "We are killers."

"The Games?" she says.

I nod and look at her. Her blue eyes the color of the water of District Four, so clear that they remind me of Peetas'. "It is why we have nightmares, it is why your dad has had to gone into surgery."

"The screaming of the children?" she says.

"We were only children, all of us in the Games, we did things that we cannot forget," I say. "Many people turned to drinking, other drugs, but your father and I we found each other to get through it. We all want to forget, we all try to cope."

She looks at her hands, and then at the sky. It is tough for her to know that we have had to go through all this. Who knows what they were told, what people think of us. Some people who were around back then, will always hate us, and others will think the same thing that we do.

"We didn't have a choice though, none of us did, you were chosen and…," I say.

"There is always a choice," she tells me.

It is the same thing that Peeta told me that night. It was something that his father always told him. To never let them change who we are, to use us as a piece in there games. He didn't want to, but his love for me is what drove him to do the things that he had to in order to keep me alive.

"Your right," I say. "It doesn't excuse it though. What we did, and because of that…people died. A lot of innocent people died because of what we did. Your grandparents, your uncles, and your aunt, they all died because of us. It was as if we pulled the trigger ourselves."

I catch the tear before it leaves my eyes. It isn't fair to her. She maybe my age when I was reaped into the Games, but times were different, life wasn't like it is now. The fences although they are still up, are not a prison, not anymore. The government that was so oppressive, are no longer in control, is no longer holding us hostage each year.

She balls her fist upset, the bread that was softly in his hands now mushed into a pulp. It isn't easy to hear the truth of parents. I could have easily told her that it was the Capitol, that it was the way life was, that it was the only way to survive, but I remember that Peeta was so ready to give up his life for me, it was the complete opposite of what anyone else would have done. We all had a choice and he it seems, always knew what choice to make.

"Your father," I say. "Your father never wanted to kill anyone, in fact he would have easily given up his life in order to protect me back then. He loved me that much. I had to force him to do what I did, and for that I don't think I could ever forgive myself. He was always trying to protect me, even suffered through the torture of everything to keep me alive."

I see her hands slowly open. Her tears slowly fall. It is all that she can do, to realize that although people died, her father tried never to kill.

"Your father came back to me," I say fighting the words. "And every day after that, all the times that he couldn't stop, not for a second, he was exhausted from something, he was fighting…every day…with no rest…"

I stop because I have to. It isn't easy to talk about. We have been each other's protectors and now with him not here, I suddenly feel so vulnerable, so exposed.

"Mama," she says sweetly.

"Sweety," I say. "His will is still there, he is still fighting to keep up alive, to keep us protected, his body has gotten weaker by it. Your grandma has fixed your Papa, but now we are waiting to see when he will wake up, because he is tired. Baby he is tired of fighting all this time."

She holds me there trying to figure out what to do with what I just told her.

"I am sorry," I say. "That I have disappointed you. It is something that I wish I could take back. Everyone, Annie, Haymitch, Liam, April, they are all fighting, every day to amend what we all did, what we all had to do."

"You didn't," she says cutting me off. "I just didn't understand."

We stand but Lilly won't let go of me. Her arms twist around me as a vine around a tree. It is funny, I can remember seeing it on the other side of the mountain, trees that were filled with vines. The way it would curly around the branches. Peeta used the vines to make rope to carry all the weight of the packs. It was sort of a sled he used. He must have been tired, to carry everything, even me when I couldn't walk, when I couldn't think, he didn't complain, he didn't do anything but what was needed. He would take one step at a time, when my eyes couldn't open anymore, through the mountains, I would hear the crunching sound of his feet on the snow. He never stop putting one step in front of the other.

"Now," I say walking with her. "We have to be strong for your Papa. He needs us to be strong. Okay?"

She nods. I can feel her breathing has calm down. The walk along the pier is slower than usual as we are in no rush to get anywhere. There is some people there, a family maybe, with fishing poles smiling and laughing. It was something that we were supposed to do that morning. We were suppose to get our swim trunks and go to the pier. Finding her dress, I don't know, it just reminded me that she had been gone so long. I had forgotten what she sounded like, and in that moment I heard her voice and I truly didn't want to leave. She wore it once in our assigned room in District Thirteen, it was one of my mothers dresses from her time with my father. She wore it because she knew that I would like it.

Now a couple of strong skinny arms hold me so tight that I can barely breath. It is as if Prim is still looking out for me, even though I know she is gone. I don't think she would let me go until she knows I am safe. It seems that being vulnerable brings that out of people. I kiss the top of her head, and she looks up at me.

"You know, your would have loved your aunt Prim," I say. "You remind me so much of her. "

"Really," she says with a sense of wonderment in her voice. I hardly talk about her, not even their grandma talks about her. Mostly it is from the family book that we have had to increase. There are many many chapters about the memories we have had. There is a day in the year where we would gather around and talk about the people we love, lost and remembered. Of course Peeta would talk most of the time, about what he could remember and when he can't he would read from the book. It was our way of never forgetting and telling our children the family they would never meet.

"Yes," I say stopping to see her. I place my hand on her cheek. It is as warm as Peeta and just as welcoming. Brushing her hair from her face I see her eyes. . "She was as strong as you, and always looking out for her family. Your dad would always make her cookies, although it would always ruin her dinner, and grandma would always get mad at him. You would think it was because of the dinner, but I think it was because secretly grandma wanted some cookies herself. But ssssh don't tell her that."

Looking up I see the sun and can tell that it might be in the early afternoon. It is probably a couple of hours since I have left the hospital. You can barely see it in the distance but the glass tower that is lit in the night time so that people could see where the hospital was. It was where District Four's institute was. The teaching hospital of Panem, where anyone can learn to become a doctor or nurse without the need of money. There are tons of classes, basic life saving classes that are given to those who want to learn. It is the gift that this District can give in memory of those who lost their lives in the Rebellion, in the Great War.

"Let's get something to eat," I say. "Did grandma leave anything?"

"No but Delly and Annie were getting something from town," she says.

I had forgotten that Delly had come and that Annie wasn't in the waiting room where I left her. It seems that Delly had been taking care of the children. As we walk towards the house, I can see that people have started to turn and look at me. It is the first signs that people are starting to recognize me. I lower my head to try and hide my face. As if on cue, Lilly looks at me.

"Do people still talk about what happened?" she says.

I nod. At first when they were very little, many people in our district were divided. Some parents would keep their children away from ours, some afraid that the government would finally eliminate us and anyone who we know. It is a fair thought, we even thought it and kept ourselves separate from everyone, living out in the wild, at first having Delly leave us our supplies, and then after we feared for her involvement, only coming back when absolutely needed to. Peeta of course called me paranoid, and it was what always sparked an argument, I was always weary of a "relapse" in there amnesty when it came to the remaining Victors, especially to their "Mockingjay."

"Hard not to," I say. "But like everything with time, people forget, and well your father and I are waiting for a time when we won't be recognized in the street. But for now, some say thank you, while others blame..."

Those were the moments that I wish I could have had the patience that Peeta always showed. The day Lilly came home crying because none of the children wanted to play with her. It was the hardest thing to do, not to get up, not to react. Peeta just held her in his arms, and told her that he would play with her any game that she wanted, and for as long as she wanted. That day they must have played for hours, and Peeta never once showed his anger. Even after she had gone to sleep, and we were alone in our room, he was still calm.

"I don't know how you can just act like nothing happened," I say angrily at him. The tone not above a whisper but the mood definitely one of condemnation.

"If I had gotten upset," he told me that night. "What would it have proved?"

"That you cared," I told him. "That you would protect her."

He moved from the foot of the bed where he was sitting. It was a silent movement and really I didn't think anything of it.

"Many people lost their children," he starts. "It is not her fault, I know, but all she wanted was to play with someone. I know that it may not seem like it, but sometimes we have to try and walk in the others shoe in order to see from another perspective. The parents of those children in their blindness are protecting their own children. I cannot blame them for that, all I can do is wait. Time will wash away all the memories of the past, and soon they won't know why they acted like that."

It was things like that I miss the most. Looking at the medical center so close and so far, I hope that it is all that he needs right now. I hope that all he needs is time.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

KATNISS

You know one of the things I love about Thomas? He is just like his dad, he would always try to take care of us when Peeta would be in the District. It was something that Peeta would tell him before he left. "Keep them safe, and keep them happy." He would take up chores and make sure that we had food to eat and enough wood for the winter. He even tried once to cut some more firewood. He was only ten and barely hold up the ax, but it did make me feel safer. Once we are back in the house, Thomas had already prepared everything for us. He even apologized to Lilly for upsetting her. It of course made me want to embrace him and hold them. Try and reverse time and keep them small, keep Peeta back home with me and just focus on disappearing from everyone.

"Food's ready," Delly says from the kitchen.

Thomas comes and then without a word holds tight onto me. It seems that Lilly had a talk with him while they were getting ready for dinner. The way he holds me, it is the same way Lilly held me, almost as if I am going to break. I am guessing they take after their father. He finally lets go of me and clears his throat.

"Hey," I say. "What was that for?"

"Nothing," he says. "Just want to make sure that you are safe and happy."

A smile flashes in front of his face, which of course causes me to smile. He crooks his arm and clears his throat, waiting for me to let him lead me into the dining room. He isn't even tall enough, but he sure is growing up quickly. Looking at him, the way he straightens up, and his clothes are nicely pressed, it would make someone I know very proud, and it isn't Peeta or his grandmother. This person would always "expressed her opinion in a very debatable manner," is what she called when she argued with me about having the children filmed and placed through etiquette classes.

"Katniss," she would say. "It would not harm them, to learn on how to properly address people and how to articulate the words that they would like to express. It helped you and Peeta, didn't it?"

The first time she brought it up, I had to leave the house. I was so upset that I couldn't even think straight. I didn't know if I wanted to go to the Square or into the Woods, or even to Haymitch's. The very thought of the cameras being brought back into our lives, just makes me so angry. Thank God, Peeta made us not keep any weapons in the house in the Victor's Village, or I might have had to use it. It took me almost the whole day to calm down, and of course a whole lot of arrows into Game that I didn't really need to hunt. I fed almost the entire Victor's Village that day. After that, I just took it as Effie being Effie, and as long as it was her teaching the children and no cameras, it was fine.

As we walk towards the dining room, I find that Delly is placing food on some plates. The smell itself though was what brought us faster to the dining room. I don't know what kind of stew it was, but the brownish color made it all the more appetizing. On the counter top I see the bottle of liquor that Haymitch had brought with the bright red wrapping on the top. You can tell from here that the bottle is not opened, which leads me to look for the one who brought it in. Looking around, I don't see Haymitch and when I ask, they told me something about going out to the Harbor.

We start to eat and all I can think about is Peeta. There is some conversation, mostly Delly trying to keep our minds off why we are here. It was a welcome distraction, Delly talking about the shops over by the Harbor. The fish market that they were setting up. It is what each of the District do now, they have their own markets, their own festivals. We still have our Harvest Festival the entire country but now it is mostly done as a sort of celebration of freedom.

"You should have seen it," Delly says. "The fishermen are going farther and farther out. Of course no one really knows what is out there, and what kind of fishes they can find but it is exciting to know. Probably after eating we can go?"

The question is left out in the open. I look at Delly and smile knowing that it isn't really guided towards me, but towards the children. They both look at each other and then to me.

"You should go," I say to both of them. The fact that I didn't say "we" and they know why. It isn't not five seconds before Lilly speaks up and tells me that she would prefer to go to the hospital with me. This of course has the same effect on Thomas as he says the same thing. I guess I am just seeing what Peeta had seen all along, the fact that family always meant more to him, actually meant everything to him. I feel Thomas's hand on top of mines and it is enough.

All of the sudden I hear my name being called out from the street. I lift my head and as I peek around the table, I see Annie waving her arms. The first thing that I think of, is Peeta, something happened. She runs towards the door and all I can do is stand and go to meet her. I can feel my knees begin to give before I see the smile on her face.

"He is up," she yells. "Katniss he is awake."

It is as if all the air of my lungs disappeared just as I want to laugh. I turn around and yell back into the house. I yell at the top of my lungs. I grab her and we start to jump up and down and before long, I can see people just walking by the house looking at us strangely. They don't know what our family has had to go through these last couple of days. The fact that we have had to deal with everything that we have been hiding from each other.

Lilly and Thomas both quickly shoot up and are already putting on their boots before I can say another word. Delly walks over to me, and all I can do is smile to her.

"Thank you for your help," I say.

She grabs my hand and smiles, her brightest smile. She had become a very close friend, and of course a member of our family. I don't think there would be any place that she would rather be than here. She was the first one that got to see Peeta when they rescued him from the Capitol. Was the first one to volunteer to help us when no one else would. She was even the first one to baby-sit for us in the District when we needed some time alone.

"Grab your coats," I tell them. They both look at me a little bit confused. The blazing sun outside, it would be the complete opposite you would think. But of course I am already planning the overnight sleep and the cold waiting room.

"Well if you are going to stay overnight like I am," I say. "It is going to get cold."

They don't argue from the logic and even Delly grabs a coat. We are all in for the long haul and it seems that we are not leaving the hospital without Peeta. It takes us not that much time to get out of the house and in the waiting room. I don't think any of us could stand the wait of walking. I think we all probably jogged to the front of the Medical Center. Getting to the nurse's station, I can feel my lungs wanting more air than what I can give. Without any breath, I asked to see Peeta Mellark. She looks at her records on her computer and the next thing that she asks is sort of surprising.

"Are you his wife?" she asks. People are already listening in as soon as I mentioned Peeta's name, and now that this nurse has asked if I was his wife, everyone seems to realize who we are. They start to whisper on the possibility of who this person is with her hair hanged loosely, no longer in a braid but loosed so no one can put one and one together. I can hear people already whispering about either Peeta, or me, or both of us, and you know what, I don't care. The thing that now our children know why they are whispering and instead of hanging their heads lowly, they actually lift them up a little bit higher. Just like Peeta, they are not ashamed of what their parents did, even the mistakes make us who we are. All I really care about is that he is up, he is awake, and nothing, not this nurse, not these doors are going to stop me from seeing him today.

"Yes," I say catching my breath. "I am his wife."

She picks up the phone and begins to key in some numbers. It takes a while and a couple of tries, before the someone picks up. The nurse says that Peeta Mellark's wife is at the nurse's station wishing to see him and the current condition of the patient. The nurse then begins to listen for a couple of moments, and then when done she places the phone back on the receiver. She tells me in a quiet voice, that the patient is okay and that he is resting comfortably in recovery.

"He is okay?" I say holding back the emotions. "Is he awake?"

She looks at me and then nods.

"From what they told me is that he regain consciousness," she says.

I don't know why but it feels as if my whole world finally makes sense. That the weight that was placed on my shoulders have finally been taken and now I can only see the hope that my mother was talking about.

"When can I see him?" I ask probably a little too eagerly because the nurse looks a little bit startled. Before she can get the information, the door behind the station opens and there in the pale green scrubs of a doctor stands my mother. She slings the stethoscope over her shoulder and a smile beings to overtake her demeanor.

"He is okay," she says before I could do anything. "Katniss he is okay."

PEETA

I can't tell you the sensations that I have been feeling. Honestly I don't even understand them myself. I could hear people but for some odd reason, it felt as it was so very far away. Like on a phone that the volume had been turned all the way low. Sometimes I would feel flashes of a sensation, like putting your finger into an electrical socket for a second. It is weird, but I knew that when that happened that it was Katniss either talking to me, or grabbing my hand. I knew it was her without even seeing her, almost as if her presence brought some sort of current with her. Of course I wouldn't put it pass her, she does have the ability to start and stop my heart at the same time.

There wasn't really a white light or a tunnel of anything, and I don't think that I was dying but knew that I really wasn't here. How do you explain something that you cannot even understand yourself? It is like trying to describe a color when your mind forgets the names of colors. Like it is nothing, but everything at the same time. The whole thing is confusing, and I know this sensation is only the beginning. I can feel my hands and know that they are mine. I feel strong but my body feel so weak. The attempt to open my eyes is so tiring that when I finally do, the blurriness of everything is enough to bring a sharp pain to my head.

It is as if everything starts to spin just a little, and I have to close my eyes again to try and calm myself. After a couple of seconds I can begin to hear the faint beep, beep sound. It takes me a little bit to understand where I am, a hospital. The thing is that I don't really remember all that well why I am here. It is as if everything is fuzzy. There is a small tremble, as if she someone just opened the door. I can feel the rush of wind coming from my feet. It is as if everything is heighten and instead of just hearing what I think is normal, I hear everything. I can hear the ticking of a nearby clock.

A muffle sound now enters into my mind. I can feel someone grabbing my hand. It is soft and familiar, and a sensation of warmth covers me from my chest. I tell myself, 'open your eyes' and in a second I can feel the eye lids slowly listen and begin to open. The muffle sound continues and I can now hear what I think are words. The blurriness of my vision begins to dissipate. There is a happiness to comes up through the inner most part of me, when her face finally comes into focus. There are tears that are streaming from her face.

"Hey," I say hoarsely. My throat feels like sandpaper, almost as if I haven't spoken in a while. Her smile is so welcomed, that I feel my own smile coming to match. Both of her hands are on my one hand, and I can feel her reluctance of letting it go. "Something about you and me and hospitals."

She smiles and I try to laugh at the thought, but find the pain is too much. I can tell my body ache all the way through and as I re-opened my eyes I can see the worry look on her face.

"Note to self," I say. "Do not laugh, hurts too much."

She stifles a laugh and just smiles.

"How are you feeling," she says. Such an odd question. The thing is that I have never felt like this before. I think about the time I was shot, or electrocuted, and I think it is something in between.

"Well it is a cross between being electrocuted and being shot," I say. "So not so bad."

My hand does something that I do not expect. It is an automatic response but it is as if I knew why I was doing it. My thumb started to rub her palm ever so gently. She can only smile and a tear comes out of my eyes that I wasn't expecting. I wasn't feeling the need to cry, but something inside of me I guess needed to express a longing. This feel so right, and I don't know why it is. Her being here with me, feels as if so necessary, as air is to my lungs and paint is to a canvas.

"You had me worried," she says.

"I know," I say. "I am sorry, but a promise is a promise."

There are so many different promises that we make as a way to comfort and most of them you really can't keep but hope that you can. This one that I made a couple of days ago, is one that no matter the cost I would keep. I think back and it was the only thing that I remembered as I closed my eyes, as I felt my body beginning to shut down.

The loud beeping sound is still so fresh as if it happened a couple of minutes ago. Did it? How long have I been asleep? The people running around, is the last thing I remember, someone yelling to put me under. I don't know what that meant, but the last thing that I can remember is hearing her voice, and trying to say that I promise.

"What promise?" she says sweetly.

"That we would have a tomorrow," I say. "Although I think it may have been a couple more days in between."

It was something that I had in my mind. The promise of giving her a tomorrow, that we would have our lives to continue. I know that it may have been something that I couldn't have really promised but I knew that I would fight to get back.

"It has been three days," she says. "You have been here for three days."

Three days? It felt like I just closed my eyes. I mean everything is still a little hazy but just hearing her voice I find some sort of comfort in it. With my right hand I strain to move over. She wants to stop me, but I tell her that I am just trying to get comfortable. Moving over to the other side she helps me move more to the edge at the right side of the bed. Confused she looks at me wondering why I moved all the way over.

"Is the bed uncomfortable?" she asks.

I nod no, trying to not think about the pain in my head.

"I just exhausted," I say. "But I can't sleep…"

I pat the space that I have made beside me. She smiles at me and almost wants to hit me before I remind her that I am in pain and that even in the cave when I was dying she would sleep next to me. It is honestly the only way I can sleep without being knocked out with drugs.

"This time you don't need to stay up," I say. "No one is coming to try and kill us."

She moves over to the left side of the bed again, and with such care she slides over next to me. Good thing that most of the cables are on my right arm and the ones that are on my chest are hidden away through my right shoulder. Her hands touch lightly my chest.

"It is okay," I say. "I am not made of glass."

She finally places herself exactly as if we were back home. Her head on my chest listening to my heart beat. Her hand right above it. My arm reaches around her shoulder and then finally rests on her side. We both let out a deep sigh of relief and just like that, my eyes begin to close and I can feel her body finally relax and snuggles in a place that we have both known. I wonder if this is against hospital policies. Who knows and you know what, who cares. The one who kept me going, who has always kept me going is lying right next to me.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

As a kid growing up, I can tell you one thing. That life in District Twelve was always about escape. Of course you didn't mean actual escape from the fence and the then Capitol government, but escape from your life, if just for a moment. It is the last defense that one has against a life that has little to no hope in it. For me it was always staring at life outside the fence, the way the forest always looked more alive than it did inside. Although I will never admit it, but before I even got into the Games, I dreamed of her and what it would feel like to sleep next to her it was my escape. I tried to imagine her hair being as soft as silk and her hands to be so warm that they might have just come out of the oven. Feeling her hand on my chest, I can tell that sometimes, just sometimes dreams come true.

I feel bad though lying to her. I really wasn't tired, I just wanted her to lie next to me. The look in her eyes is what led me to realize that she really hadn't been sleeping that well. I don't know if I would have been able to sleep at all if she was here and I was there. It was hard to see her there lying in pain when she was shot or when we were both burned in the explosion. The darkness of the room is enough to allow us some sort of environment where we can both rest at least for a little bit.

The way the light trickles through the blinds, I wish I could have had some sort of brush or pencil to sketch it. I can still remember the time that I sketched her there sleeping in the morning light. Her mother of course looking at me from the doorway. This time around though, I really can't do much other than just lie here, but I guess I can try to remember what she looked like so that I can sketch it later.

There is a brief light on the ceiling, and I know that someone has entered the room. I tilt my head towards the door and can see a nurse walking into the room. Her face is one of worry, and I don't think it is the same worry that I have of Katniss. With my right hand I place my finger up to my lips.

She nods and walks over to me as quietly as she can. Of course as quietly as she can is as if someone is walking on gravel nosily to someone who has been hunting in the woods for years. I can feel her body shift, and know that without looking down on her face that her eyes are already open.

"Sssh," I say without moving. The young nurse stops and looks at me as if I was trying to get her to be more quiet. I of course wave my hand apologetically. "It is okay, I was referring to my wife, do what you came here to do."

The nurse lets out a sigh of relief and continues to walk towards the machines. She mouths the words sorry, before removing the binder and starts to record numbers that are listed on a panel behind me. Of course I am waiting, very patiently to get scolded by Katniss for lying to her, for making her lie next to me pretending that I was tired. Or probably I was just waiting for the elbow to the ribs. I wonder if me being in the hospital gives me a free pass from it? It is only a couple of seconds before I realize that no, it doesn't.

"Thought you needed to sleep," I hear coming from Katniss. She doesn't move, but I can tell that she is annoyed. The nurse looks at me and I smile at her.

"Actually just needed to know that you were real," I say. "Sometimes dreams can seem so real."

Her head moves up and I can see her eyes. They are filled with happiness although her other facial expression tells me that it wasn't really working. I just smile and she can't help it after a little bit she smiles back. She begins to slide back slowly as to not hurt me. I of course give her a sad face and she just asks the nurse if she can poke me for lying. I turn to face the nurse and she blushes unsure of the game that we are playing.

"The Doctor will be in shortly," the nurse says. "But everything looks good, and your vitals are good."

She finally slips into the nearby chair and as the nurse leaves I can see her smile at her. It is a good feeling when you realize that everything looks good. As the door closes, I grab her hand that she had left on the side of the bed. She turns around and looks at me. All I can do is smile, I don't know why but I actually feel happy.

"So how do I really look?" I say trying to lighten the mood. She puts up a painters frame with her hands and then squirms her mouth as she tilt it trying to find the right light.

"Well the turban thing has definitely a new style," she says. "Don't think you could pull it off in the District but probably in the Capitol?"

I lift my hand slowly to my head and find that it is all bandaged up. It does make sense, for a bandage up there, but I wonder if they had to shave off my hair. It was due for a haircut but wasn't looking forward to have a shaved head. The room starts to spin and I quickly lower my hand. I guess I am still not fully recovered.

She moves over to me and placing a hand on my head she moves it back towards the pillow.

"So really, how are you feeling?" she says. It is as if we are back in the cave and she is constantly checking up on me. My hands touches her hand grabbing at it with the most force that I can give. She is startled a little bit but when I look into her eyes, all she can do is lean in and as if she knows what I am longing she kisses me on the tip of my top lip as if she truly believes that I am made of something so fragile that any sudden sound, any sudden movement.

The moments that we have together, where we are the most fragile are the ones that we lowered our masks. There was this one time when we have to hike all the way near the mountains to get far enough. Lilly was just born and was almost a year when she just picked up her things without saying a word and I had to follow her out in the forest. It was a good thing that Katniss's mother was there looking after little Lilly making sure that Katniss had enough time to get better. That day I was worried, she wouldn't stop. It took us two whole days to reach the base of the mountain. At first I was worried that Katniss would never stop walking and that I would have to stop her. She finally stopped when she needed to sleep, but didn't talk. That night I tried to get her to open up but she really didn't say much. The next morning I woke up early in a panic hoping she was still there. She was there just sitting on a rock waiting. She didn't start walking until I was finally next to her. She was waiting for me. The end of the second day, when I thought she would go into the mountains, her legs finally gave way and she collapse onto her knees.

When I reached her to see if she was okay, I could see her hands picking up a rock and as she stood she hurled it so far into the mountains that she almost fell over. She started to scream and yell at no one in particular, at the past maybe? I just stood there hearing her send swear after swear, about how they took Prim from her, and how they took everything once loved away from her. It was aimed towards the Capitol that didn't exist, well not anymore. It was the place where we could say what we wanted. To be ourselves, without the fear of anyone overhearing. At the end we held each other, and she looked at me with a feeling of lost that I had never seen before. It was as if, holding Lilly in her arms awoken something inside of her, something that scared her. All she would say is that it was something close to regret of not being a better sister, and hoping to be a better mother.

Her eyes never showed me that feeling of lost, not until now. As I looked deep into her grey eyes, I see the lost that she once felt at the base of the mountains and it pains me because I might have caused it.

"Regret," I say after she pulls away. "That is how I feel. Regret that I had to put you through this. I am so sorry."

She looks at me and then she doesn't say anything. The way we could understand each other without really saying much came with the years of us discovering each other. The more I know her, the deeper she gets. I wonder if I would ever touch the bottle, just like the lake, will we ever see how deep it is. She lifts my hand up to her cheek and kisses it as she places it on her cheek.

"It is okay," she says. "You remember the bench?"

What an odd question but of course I do. It was one of the first days that we spent it in the house by the lake. She wanted to make it seem more like the dreams that I had when I was being tortured. We went into the forest to find wood and vines to use to build. When we found the strongest woods and the thickest vines, she helped build it with me.

"Well I think we are sort of like the branches of wood and well when one branch is weak the other has to be strong to keep the weight," she says. "You were weak, so we had to become strong for you. You can't hold the weight by yourself forever."

"I missed you," I say. "All I kept remembering is you and fighting for our family."

"Good," she says. "Cause we were not going to lose you. Even if you decide to grow out that scruffy thing."

I cannot hold the laughter which of course causes an immediate groan of pain. I close one of my eye trying to minimize the pain. She starts to apologize immediately which of course I tell her not to worry.

"Better to laugh than to cry," I say, which of course causes her to laugh. It was what I told her once when she we were talking about the pranks that Prim and her would pull on her parents. She was laughing and crying at the same time. She told me she didn't know what emotion to go with so she did both.

This time around she laughs more than cries and I know that it is not because I am funny, but because of the stress she had been under.

"Anything I can get you?" she says with a smile. She is always taking care of me. I know that she loves me, and I know that I love her, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

"It is too quiet here," I say. "Where are the kids?"

"They are downstairs you know," she says with a smile.

"What are they doing downstairs?" I ask.

The one thing that I miss is having all of them here with me. It is the only thing that makes me feel whole. To see the same fire in Thomas's eyes that Katniss has. The same determination in Lilly's walk that her mother has. It would be nice to see them.

"Probably causing all sorts of trouble," she says telling me that she would get them. She leans in and gives me a kiss on my forehead and then places her hand on my forehead testing the temperature.

"Still taking care of me huh," I ask.

"Because we will always take care of each other," she says and I know that she means it. Looking throughout our lives I see that sure we survived the Games, and we survived the Rebellion, but it is more than that, we have survived those lonely nights where the weight of the past has caused us to almost give up. It was those moments where we knew when to talk, and when to just be there for each other.

She walks over to the door and tells me that she would be right back. As the door closes I close my eyes and there in the back of my mind is the question that I have been trying to ignore. It is obvious that they had to do surgery but no one is telling me what happened or if it was successful. The nurse mentioned my vitals, but nothing on the surgery.

I close my eyes and I try to think about nothing, but the first thing that comes to mind is the flashes. The memories that come and go without any words. It is painful, it causes me to fall to my knees. I can feel the cold floor and as I look around I can feel my heart begin to speed. It is the same smooth white floor, the same lights on the walls. There is no flashes, and there are no seizures. Something is different.

The room starts to shake, and I can hear the bombing on the ceiling. The creaking and the straining of the ceiling becomes so loud that I can feel the weight about to fall on top of me. The lights short out and I can hear in the distance the bursting of the bulbs. Closing my eyes again, I cover my ears and being to count in my head, trying to calm myself.

One…two…three…four…

I feel a hand on my wrist and as I open them I see Katniss's eyes. Behind her I see Lilly and Thomas both smiling. It doesn't feel the same, something is different. I can feel her tight grip on my wrist, but she her smile hasn't faded. She is keeping up the appearance in order to not frighten the children. I smile and can feel every muscle in my body tense up even more, but I don't feel the episode.

"Hey Monkey," I say to Lilly. "Your brother taking good care of you?"

My voice is strained and sounds tired. She smiles and I can see the water in her eyes as she nods. Thomas nods and looks to be holding in any emotion that he might have. He is trying to be strong for the girls. Lilly moves gingerly over to me and as she opens her arms, I open mines. She moves into me and whisper how much she missed me and how scared she was about losing me. Thomas stands behind her, and as I lift my hand from Lilly's back to him, his face softens a little as he lets me place my hand on the back of her head.

"Papa," Lilly says. "I think I am getting too old to be called Monkey."

I smile.

"You will never be too old to be my little monkey," I tell her.

She moves towards her mom and hugs her there holding her tightly. It is an odd picture. Although I know Katniss to be a very loving person, she had always kept her children at arm length. Katniss must notice the surprise in my face, because she just smiles warmly as she tightens her arm around Lilly.

Thomas lies down next to on the bed, as my two favorite girls sit down on the other side of the bed. Lilly starts telling me about what she had been doing, and that she went fishing the first day and caught a very large fish although Thomas says that it was probably smaller than what she is saying. They tell me about Delly taking them to eat ice cream and getting them sea shell necklaces from the vendors on the beach. I just smile and look to Katniss who just holds my hand. She knows that this right here is what I long for. It is what I love to see. My family telling me about their day and how they experience through it.

"Papa," Thomas interrupts.

"Yes," I say lookig at him. He looks a little bit like me when I was his age. It is remarkable how his mannerisms remind me so much of my father, his quiet strength in light of the circumstances, or the fact that he knew exactly what needed to be done when I was not there.

"I do not want to be the man of the house," he says truthfully. It makes me laugh how just a couple seconds I thought he was keeping it together and now I see that he is only fourteen and still a child. I tell him that he doesn't have to do it for now.

"We weren't that bad," Katniss says pinching him. This brings a smile to both of us. Lilly looks at Thomas and mouths something very quietly that can only mean that she is going to get him back.

"Don't you worry none," I tell to no one in particular. "I am not going anywhere. I made a promise to your mother, and I make a promise to you, that I will be here tomorrow and the next day and the next day."

It is a promise that I intend to keep, although I may not know what holds for me or my family.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Doctors always had bothered me more than the actual hospitals. It wasn't so much the fact of what they did, but mostly on the fact that they knew almost everything wrong about you and never told you the complete story. It was the only thing that I liked about Doctor Aurelius and Katniss's mother, they always told no matter how bad or if I would never understand, they always told you everything. I don't know why Doctor Aurelius took my case back in District Thirteen. Probably it was on the orders of President Coin, because I was so important to the War, important that I play my role in it. He would always told me that it would take years, and many tries, but that he would never give up. Throughout the years, and the many different types of procedures, and serums, we all believed that probably that way I was, is the best that I was ever going to be.

"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you," He says. "Because I know that something is."

I look at him, and unsure of where to even begin. Could it be the fact that I hate the place that we are in, that the mere sight of the Capitol before would bring fear, then rage, and now it is just disappointment. The people never change in this place, it is always the same thing. The government sure has placed new laws so that there would never be a repeat of what happened to us, but the same underlying essence of the place still exists.

"Well where do I begin?" I say rubbing my hands. It is a nervous tick I know, and I have been trying to get rid of it, but it seems just to sneak up on me. It keeps me from the tremors.

"Start where ever you feel the most comfortable," he says.

"That is the thing," I say. "I don't feel comfortable. I haven't been sleeping, my mind is all a fog, and before you order a battery of tests I know it isn't what they did to me. Well not the physical part of it."

He stops at the fact that the symptoms does present a problem for us.

"So what is it?" he says.

"I still feel the same," I say. "After all these years. I don't know,...will we ever beat this?"

It was weighing in on my mind. The fact that throughout the years we had gone through many setbacks. Now lying here in the hospital after having a very major surgery I can't help but think about whether it will ever end. My family surrounds me and tries to keep my mind on other things. It could have been instruction from the medical staff, or even Katniss trying to keep us still in our own little world.

I rub her hand and she looks at me. It is the look that I give her, and I know that she understands what I am asking. It is the question on how did it go, why am I wear these bandages and are you okay all roll up in one.

"I don't know," she whispers so that the children do not hear. It is then that the door opens and I see someone that I have seen all my life. He is older and walks a little bit more slower than usual. The glasses is a new touch but after years he told me that he needed it in order to see the smallest details of my brain.

"The whole family is here," he says taken a little bit back. I smile and no one responds but just looks at him intently. It is the folder that he holds in his hands. It can mean peace for my family if it is good news, or if it is the same thing that we have always known.

"Peeta," he says. "Mind if we have the..."

"It is okay," I say interrupting. Looking up to Katniss I see her eyes and she nods yes in approval. I know that he would prefer not to say anything in front of the family but wanted me to send the children outside. This of course is something that we have decided against just recently. This family will no longer have secret. "We have no secrets."

He nods and walks over to the children. He smiles as he looks at Thomas and Lilly and then lifts his eyes towards me.

"Well as you may have guessed, we had to perform an emergency surgery to repair a small tear in a blood vessel," he says. "It took us a good amount of time to get it under control and we were able to repair the tear. The concern was that if we left what remain of what the Capitol did to you in your mind that it would only get worst. A decision was made at that time to risk it and remove the portions that caused the most danger."

Katniss's hand tightens and I can see the fear in her eyes. It is faint and no one really knows that side of her, she hides it very well. I can count them on my hands the times that Katniss has shown in her face that she is worried or fearful about anything. Doctor Aurelius had always told me from the very beginning that there would be areas that are too delicate to remove, areas that if they tried and failed that I wouldn't last long, or have the use of my arms or legs anymore. It was something that I had to come to terms with. The fact that something will always be inside of me, that what they did will always affect me, was difficult to think of, and at first I thought that if I had died in the Rebellion that at least I didn't kill Katniss. That at least they didn't win in that aspect.

"And was that successful?" Lilly ask

He nods. "We were finally able to remove most of it. It took us almost the entire day. We had a team of doctors working with robotic lasers removing parts by parts so small that could be seen in a microscope. There were times that we had to stop and let his body recover before we continued. Your father is one strong person, and he made promises that he intended to keep didn't he?"

She nods.

"The good and bad," he says looking at me, knowing that not everything is rainbows and that we all must have rain sometimes. "One the good, you will no longer experience the full mutation of the tremors, where you lose control. The main parts that we removed where the ones that were connected to that part of your brain. Although we worked very carefully not to damage anything, you know as well as we do that not everything comes without a price. You will experience some memory loss or the opposite and painful memories coming back that you were repressing."

That would explain what just happened. Memory loss how could I have known what I have lost if I no one tells me. Could it be that I would forget things or people? I look around and see my family, would I forget them? Could I forget them? I can still remember the first words from Lilly and Thomas, and can still see the two braids of Katniss when she was five. She looks at me, and I try to tell her that I could never forget her, but all I can do is smile at her. The books and tapes of everything that we had gone through would have to piece together what Katniss cannot. The things that Katniss was not there for is what troubles me. Everyone that I knew from back then was killed in the bombing of District Twelve. The only person who knows me longer than Katniss is Delly, and I guess she will be my anchor to that life before I met Katniss.

I look at Katniss and can see her face change from worry to sorrow. It is as if she already knew this would happen. Was she told before?

"I will not lie to you," he says. "Your body is not as strong as you were once. Your will might be stronger than ever, but your heart we have received results that it has been weaken by the major episodes. So you would have to take it easy."

It is a risk. We had always known that at the end my body would give in. It is a muscle after all and although I might work at it, it will slowly stop working.

"So not out of the woods?" I say.

"Well, the worst is over," he says closing the file. "This will be the closest we will get to getting you back to where you were before the Capitol."

"Took a couple of years huh," Katniss says jokingly. Her voice trying to bring some sort of lightness to the tense mood. It is good news though, the best news possible. He walks over to Katniss and she embraces him. It reminds me of the time that he fought for her in the Capitol, during the War Trials. He smiles and finally looks at me, "now don't go forgetting to call me, now that you don't have to."

I nod and tell him that we would visit once I am out of the hospital.

"By the way," I say. "How long do I have to stay here?"

"Well I have place the papers to have you discharged," he says. "You will need to take these pills, for the headaches that will follow you. Your eyes will be sensitive to light in the beginning, so try to stay indoors or at least wear sunglasses when you are out."

Thomas of course is writing all of these things down and I have to just think of how lucky I am to have such a family that just wants to take care of each other. We do it because we love each other. When someone would get sick, we would each make sure that the other felt as comfortable as possible. This time around, it seems that I am the one who is sick and needed to be taken care of.

We all watch him leave the room and as the door closes it is as if that chapter of my life is finally over. I can finally breathe, I think to myself. It is as if the weight that had been on my mind for so long has finally lifted and now I am scared of what is left. They all turned around to me, and with smiles they all try to embrace me. The pain of it though is too much and I can feel an enormous head ache coming. The pain is enough to stop Katniss and the children from continuing.

"Easy, easy kids," she tells them. "Papa is still a little bit banged up."

I nod and they apologize.

"It is okay," I say. "Just a small headache."

The children are ushered out of the room and they tell me that they will be getting everything ready for me when I leave. It seems that with the impending departure, the house has to be ready again for me. Although I don't know what that would mean if we are a guests in Katniss's mother's house, I do still smile at the thought. Katniss goes over to the door and closes it right after. She walks over and then looks at me.

"What happened?" she says referring to the dream.

"It was a dream, or a memory," I say. "Who knows. It was weird though, it was as if I was seeing the memory clearly and I couldn't think of where I was until the bombing started."

She helps me to sit up. From the pain that I let out, she looks at me a little worried. It is enough for her to sit next to me looking at me. The same eyes trying to see if I am finally going to be okay.

"I am fine," I say trying to reassure her. Of course she doesn't believe me, every time I say it. I guess after saying it so many times and having to deal with the issues that we had to deal with, one tends to lose hope.

"Are you?" she says with a hint of doubt.

I open my arms and she doesn't hesitate but goes right into them. I can smell the sea in her hair. Just as I feel her arms around me, I hear the door open and a nurse coming in with a wheel chair. She is young and immediately I know that the look that Katniss shows her is one of sorrow. The blonde hair in a ponytail, the white uniform nicely pressed, it is hard not to think of Prim when you think of what could have been. I had never asked why Katniss disliked hospitals so much. I know the reason why I hate it, the finality of it all, almost as if you are not entering a place to get better, but a grave to tell you that you have no time left. She is a little bit startled by the fact that we are both staring at her. She stumbles when she realizes who we are and stutters the fact that the Doctor has secured my release as long as I stay in the District for a couple of days until I am well enough to travel.

"The doctor notes in the instructions that he will be passing by later today to do an assessment," she says. After a moment, Katniss starts to talk and tells her that they would need help getting me into the wheel chair. She moves out of the room and as she does, Katniss looks away and with her hand quickly clears her face. It still affects her, after all these years, coming to hospitals and seeing nurses that may be her sister. She once told me that if she had lived, she would have already been a true healer, a doctor in other districts. Thinking of how Prim just loved to help people, I wouldn't doubt it. She was one of the first ones who visited me in District Thirteen, and she wasn't afraid of what I had become. She actually wasn't afraid of much. Katniss told me when the attempted bombing of District Thirteen happened, that Prim actually went upstairs to their sleeping quarters to get Buttercup. That darn cat, Katniss told me, was going to be the death of them.

It takes a couple of tries and more nurses than I would have liked to get me into the wheel chair. As soon as I sit down on the seat of the wheel chair, I feel a very cold sensation on back and realize that I am wearing one of those hospital gowns. Something of course that I didn't understand, that even though the surgery was in my head, the hospital decided that it would be necessary to have me in a gown with no underwear on.

"Seriously," I say. "It is enough that my cheeks are numb."

Katniss just lets out a laugh and tells me that I am being a big baby. Once she wheels me out in the hallway, she pushes the wheelchair slowly as to not draw attention. We are no longer in the privacy wing of the hospital and most of the people that are on this floor are people from the District. The older people that are in need of taking care of because they no longer have family that can. There are some fishermen that come in with injury from their time out in the sea. I had always wondered how it looked like out there, and what is on the other side. We have only heard stories of whole countries on the other side of the ocean, but no one really has tried to check.

I catch quick glances at the people walking by us. Some of them being helped by the nurses as they walked, while others just sit on chairs in the hallway. The white hallways always made me uncomfortable, as it reminds me of the Detention center. As we turn the corner there is an old man that is walking with his IV pole. I don't know why I notice him at first, but the pepper colored hair reminds me of my father. The way he positions himself there you can tell he was man who worked in hard labor all his life. The brown tanned skin, the toned muscles, and I know that he had been a fisherman. His beard has more grey hairs than black and from the look on his face he is worn a little bit too over. He would probably be our father's age if they were still alive. As we approach him, he suddenly stops at us. Catching him in the eyes he smiles at us.

"Thank you," he says to us. Katniss pulls the wheelchair to a stop and looks at the older man.

"Your…welcome," Katniss says unsure of what he is thanking us for. Katniss's hair is not her in braid. She rarely does put in that style unless we are in the woods. She tells me that it draw too much attention to her and us, reminds people of who we are.

The old man sticks out his hand at me. It is a gesture of a greeting.

"You are the Victors," he says. "From Twelve."

Katniss looks around making sure that the man did not say it too loud. Yes we have many friends, but we still have many people who hate us. They are still out there, the old remnants of the Capitol lifestyle. Those people who enjoyed living in extravagance, while others lived in poverty. We don't travel much to the Capitol anymore, it is where most of the people from the old life still live and although they agree with removing Snow out of power, the changes that have come during the last three Presidents have changed the mentality of some.

We both nod to the old man.

"I was in the Rebellion," he says. "Here in District Four. We have had our share of dark days, as you are aware, and life now is much better than before. You gave us hope. You still give us hope. We are still behind you Mockingjay."

He lifts the three finger to his mouth, but before he could salute, Katniss holds his wrist.

"Thank you, kind sir," she says. "But no need to draw sunlight when all you want is the darkness."

He nods and continues down the hallway. It is then that Katniss leans in and as her lips touch the top of my right ear, I smile at the nearness of her.

"I always did hate that name," she says.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

PART III

"THE ROAD BACK HOME"

I can still remember what I told Katniss the day we got officially married. She looked so beautiful just there standing in the wedding dress that Cinna had designed. It was one of the most memorable days of my life and here in Katniss's mothers house Lilly has asked what it was that I said.

Katniss of course is there sitting next to me. Her hand on my hand, she doesn't say much but of course she is listening. It has been a couple of days since I have been discharged from the hospital and after the many, many, many follow-up tests, it seems that I have been cleared to travel back home.

"So," Katniss finally says. "Do you remember or not?"

I give her a sly smile and turning to face Lilly, I say with confidence.

"I told her that in her arms, I am home," I say turning back to see her blush. It was exactly what I meant in my heart and to this day I still do. The places may change, from a dingy old cave in the arena, to the Victor's Village, to our Home by the Lake, and even here in District Four, were places where we were at home, but I realized that as long as I was with her, and she was with me, that even the train was home, because she was my home.

"One more, one more," Lilly asks knowing full well that tomorrow we leave back home. The packs are all lined up by the door, and everyone had already gone home, Annie, Liam and April all went back to their own homes. Delly of course is taking the train with us, so she is upstairs in our room sleeping. We of course decided to sleep down here on the sofa. The trips up and down the steps still wear me out and causes me to have light headiness.

"Okay, little monkey," I say. "Just one. You have to get enough sleep, big day tomorrow."

She thinks about it for a little bit.

"Well I have one that I will ask you tomorrow on the train, okay?" she says and I nod. I am a little tired, the tea that Katniss's mother gave me is finally kicking in and she guarantees that I will be experiencing little to no dreams. The last couple of days have been all jumbled up with dreams and nightmare mashing into each other. No longer controlled by the serum, now it is just flowing freely.

Lilly's eyes begin to close and I can tell that she is fighting to stay up and with Katniss yawning, I can tell that everyone is tired. Walking over to me, I kiss Lilly goodnight and she hugs me tightly. They will always be my two favorite girls. After a couple, she turns and hugs her mother which of course is a welcomed sight. Katniss looks at me, and can tell that the expression on my face is surprise and happiness. She of course just sticks out her tongue at me in a playful manner. Katniss whispers something into her ear and Lilly walks over to the stairs and walks up the stairs and into the room that she shares with Thomas.

Once we are alone, Katniss begins to turn off the living room lights. In the moonlight, with all the windows opened it is as if she is bathe in silver light. In this light she looks so beautiful, almost as if it were all a dream. Wouldn't that be a great feeling to know that dreams sometime come true.

"Hey," I say softly. She turns around and looks at me with a smile. I pat the space next to me and she just sits down next to me. "So…what did I miss?"

She knows exactly what I am asking so she just has a smug look on her face. It is wonderful to see that Katniss has finally grown closer to the children. Growing up, they always wanted to be around their mother and with the fact that Katniss would disappear in her grief, they was always a lack. The children were the first ones to feel that.

"Well you must a lot of things," she says. "Your daughter ran off with some coal miner and I had to go and get her to come back. Your son fell in love with a girl from the seam and just doodle all day about her."

"Hmm," I say. "Well if my daughter ran off with some coal miner, I would be happy. If my son fell in love with a girl from the Seam, I would tell him to talk to her and not be so shy about it. They are amazingly beautiful. Dangerous to look at, even at the tender age of five they are deadly. But there is something else, that no one seems to see. They walk without expression, without trying to do or say anything that will draw attention, but what they don't realize is that they have this quiet strength in them. I myself never knew where they get it from."

She looks at me a little bit with a smile but you can tell by the shades of red that she is a little embarrassed by it.

"Dangerous to look at?" she says with a small smile.

"Very," I say. "I saw this one girl from the Seam at the age of five, and haven't been the same ever since.

She leans in and kisses me on the cheek.

"Have I told you today?" I start.

"No," she says. "You haven't, but I already know."

Her hand interlaces with mines, and we just lie there in the sofa bed in the middle of the living room. Her mother at first objected with us sleeping down here, but when I mentioned the light headed feeling when I climbed the stairs, she understood. Katniss's hand feels warm to the touch, and hearing the distant waves it reminds me of lying next to her on the shores of the Arena.

"Peeta?" I hear her say in the middle of the night.

"Yes," I say.

"I missed you," she says a little shyly. Her voice a little bit as if a child was telling this to their parent.

"I know," I say. "I missed you too."

I can feel her body moving to face me. I in turn, match her and there we are facing each other. My freed hand reaches the strands of hair that have covered part of her face. As I move them away, I can see the deepness of those grey eyes looking back at me.

"Things have gotten better," I say. "Between you and the children."

Her eyes un-focus and I can see that she is remembering things, because I see very small twitch in her lips as if a smile is hiding behind it.

"Yes," she says with a unconcealed joy in her voice. It is as if the word has a song to it. "Took a lot of yelling."

I can imagine it. Although Lilly is a sweet enough daughter, she has that burning fire inside that her mother has. It is nice though to see that they have connected in some way. I lift our interlaced hand to my mouth and kiss her palm.

"Something that I don't quite understand," I say trying to piece together last night's dream. It was the weirdest thing, I was in the forest, but not really there, almost as if I was floating. All I kept hearing was a song that I had never heard of, the mockingjays were singing along. The thing that caught my attention was the flower petals. It was a winter forest with flower petals dancing in the wind. Pink flower petals that seem to move along with a purpose.

"What is it?" she says.

I of course couldn't remember the song, but only a small piece of it. It was a lovely song, and probably Katniss would know about it.

"I knew what dream was all I had," I say trying to remember the melody.

Her eyes widen, and I can see the recognition in her eyes. She props herself up on her elbow and looks at me intently. It is as if I caught her off-guard. Could it be that she does recognize it and that is more meaningful that I could imagine? Where could I have heard it then? Was it in one of our moments asleep when she was talking in her dreams?

"Do you recognize it?" I say. "I had a dream last night and I can still hear the melody, but could only catch this line of the verse. It sounded so beautiful."

My hand reaches out for hers and she doesn't flinch but yet she doesn't look down. She just looks as if something has grabbed her attention.

"You heard me…how?" she says finally. "I mean I know my mother once told me that people could still hear but never would have thought…"

It is odd, when did she say it to me? I look down to her hands, trying to think. It isn't a dream then, it happened? But when was it that I can't remember, or why is it so weird. It makes no sense.

"When did you…," I start. Trying to piece together words to understand when was it that I forgot. She puts up her hand and as she beings to stand up, I can see the pain in her expression. It probably wasn't a place that she wanted to remember.

"When you got out of surgery," she says lowly. It is as if she wishes she could have forgotten it all, like it never existed. Almost as if the time that I spent in the Medical facility was all a nightmare and now we are finally awaken from it. "You wouldn't wake up…"

She tenses up, and I know that it is the hardest thing that she had to experience. Other than her mother, her family is her children. She is still struggling, and yet she is holding it all in. I struggle just a little bit but when I finally stand up, I walk over to her trying to show her that I am okay. Opening my arms she walks into them and I know that it has been tough these last couple of days. We have to talk about it, it is the only way to get over it.

"I am sorry that I left you, but you can't do this," I say softly into her ears. "You have to talk about it, even if it hurts. It is the only way to get it behind you."

Talking about everything is not Katniss, I have learned that through the years of being with her, it is hard for her and I never pushed her. The times I wanted to know about her father she just didn't talk about it. She had learned through the years that talking about things doesn't help anyone, and it is more of danger to everyone around you. It is true though, that in our time in the District before the fall of the Capitol, talking what you are thinking could not only get you in trouble but everyone you know.

"It isn't as if I can just turn off the switch," she says separating from me. She walks over to the nearby chair and sits there next to the window. I stand still there looking at her, and know that inside of her is a battle between what she wishes she could do and what she had learned to do. It isn't easy to get someone to change what they had always known to be normal.

"I was seven," she says simply. The way she looks outside the window, I can tell that it is the very few times that she lets her guard down. "We were hunting in the woods, like we had always done. It was that spring, after the long winter, you remember that winter Peeta, that lasted almost what seemed the whole year?"

It was the winter that I got sick. I can still remember my father running out in the middle of a snow storm to her mother's house to get medicine for me. The white snow blowing in the windows still haunt me. Those are the moments that I think about him the most, the moments where I miss him the most.

"That spring, it was like every single animal was out in the woods," she continues not looking at me. "I guess just like us, they were so sick of being stuck inside, that they just had to go outside. We had gotten a whole two bags of game, so heavy that I could barely hold it. I was sure that we were going to have to make trips to get it all back."

Her hands begin to shake and I could see that she is struggling to tell me. Walking over to her I place my hands on hers and she just looks at me. I wish I could convince her that it is okay, that she is safe, but it is the way she had always seen everything, the way we had always done things. Sleeping with knives under our pillows and our packs made by the door, as if we had to make a run for it. Teaching the children to always look for the quickest exits when they come to a place, to have code words for situations, and to always go in twos. It was the way she had conditioned herself to think and the way to act. The fall of the Capitol, the death of Snow, didn't ease that, didn't take away the pain, it only heightened it.

"It was then, when we were crossing a clearing that we saw it," she says. "A white horse, with a single black stripe."

No one had seen in our District, in years. It is rumor that the Capitol killed them all off just so that people couldn't leave, travel to the unknown places that would be too far to hike. Even in District Eleven when you would think would use horses to plow the fields, they don't. The Capitol's excuse was that the horses in the Capitol were for the Tributes of the opening games. It was the way that we later figured Thresh was to get so big. You see they use the same people from the District to pull the plow and most of the time it was the males of the poorest area of their District.

"A horse," I say trying to hide the excitement in my voice but failing miserably. "You saw a horse?"

She looks at me and a faint smile creeps into her face. She nods at me and looking away I know that the hardest part hasn't happened.

"I raised my bow, had straight in my sights," she says making the motion with her hands. "But my father placed a hand on my shoulder causing me to lower my bow. When I faced him, he told me that an animal that special shouldn't be hunted. He did mark the location with our sign on the nearby tree. We just watched it graze on the grass and when it finally was finished it just galloped away. It was something that I had never thought I would see. As we walked back I couldn't help but ask my father all these questions about it. He finally whispered in my ear something that I wish he had never told me. He asked me if I had like being out in the woods, you know the times that we had spent out hunting."

From the look of longing in her eyes I can tell that she misses her father just as I miss mines.

"Of course I told him yes, I loved the way everything was just so free," she continues. "He asked me very quietly, if I wouldn't mind one day bringing Prim and my mother out to the woods. I didn't know what he meant at the time, the dangerous notion he was asking. Peeta, he wanted to run away with all of us."

The thought of it. I know many people had tried, but they never made it far, couldn't survive out in the woods. If there were ever a family that could, it would be them. A healer and two hunters, what more could they have needed.

"It was my fault," she says suddenly. The way she says it, it is as if she is still carrying the weight of it. It is as if I know what she is going to say.

"I told someone that I had seen a horse," she says. "I was stupid, I was seven, I didn't have any friends and I couldn't tell Prim, she wouldn't understand. I just wanted to share it with someone. The peacemakers got wind of it, and they beat him, for hours, for days, I never knew how long it was because my mother wouldn't tell me. When he was finally let go, it was only because they thought that I was making it up, that I never saw it, that I was never out past the fence. Because of me, he almost died. I made a promise to myself that I would never endanger anyone I love again in that way."

It is what we all have to deal with when we are growing up in a prison. The information that we know, can hurt or kill the people that we love. The things that we do, even honorable, can bring down repercussions that no one can predict. I learned that the hard way when my father was almost caught for helping the hunters. He would have been beaten just like...Gale. It could be the reason she reacted like that, she remembered her father.

She turns and looks at me looking for some sort of acceptance, some sort of pardon for something she couldn't even begin to understand. She was a child, she didn't know any better.

"If it was possible for me to take away the guilt, take away the pain, I would," I say. "But you can't hold it all in, feeling even the pain, the guilt, is okay because it means that you can feel love, and joy. I wish one day that you can let me take that away for you."

She smiles.

"Okay," she says finally and we just sit there in the moonlight talking about everything.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Growing up in District Twelve you learn very quickly that dreams are like white horses with a black stripe. They are wonderful to believe in, but after the oppressors kill them all off, all that you are left with is just emptiness. It was a fight when I was growing up. The Capitol and everyone around me would tell me that it wasn't going to get any better, and that life is going to be as hard as everyone says it would be. Looking down around me, I see that dreams are something much more than that.

I think it was probably around three or so when we heard Thomas walking down the stairs. He had a dream that I was gone again, and he wanted to make sure that it was all a nightmare. That of course meant that Lilly wouldn't be too far behind. We had to fold up the sofa bed and sleep on the ground all around me. Lilly grabbing one hand, and Thomas grabbing the other, it was only a smile that Katniss gave me that showed me then at four in the morning that dreams really do exist if you fight hard and long enough to keep them.

"You awake," I hear a whisper.

Looking around, I see that Katniss's eyes are just looking at me. The way she looks at me now, it is a soft nurturing one. So much has changed and yet those eyes are still the same. The same ones that looked at me that day in the stream as I lied there dying. The one of nurturing when we would sleep in each others arms.

"Yeah," I say. "Can't sleep?"

She nods her head no.

"Me neither," I say. It is the truth. Dream have gotten so odd and so different that I honestly don't want to close my eyes. I am remembering things that happened that I never knew did. The last dream I had, I was back in the arena, back in the first games. "Have to get up in a couple. Should we wait to wake up the children?"

She has to think about it for a minute before she nods to let them sleep in. We quietly move off the floor as to not wake up the children. Looking at them there sleeping, you can't help but to smile and to wonder where the time has gone.

"They grow up so fast," I say. "Pretty soon Lilly is going to be bringing boys around and I don't know how I am going to deal with it. As we didn't have a normal courtship, I really don't know how to…you know."

She looks at me and smiles. "Well we can't have her not talking to boys all her life. Wasn't it you that was wondering what being a grandfather would be like?"

The way she says it, it is almost as if she is starting to think it herself. She is beginning to see what I had always seen, that when you look into their eyes of wonder, you can't help but to immediately fall in love. From the moment she opened their eyes, I could see that I had to make room for two little perfect versions of the girl that I love my whole life.

"I think you might be a little curious," I say. "It would be fun to see you carrying a small baby in your arms again. The way you would secretly sing lullabies to them, looking around."

"Eavesdropping huh?" she says poking me in the ribs.

"It was the best couple of minutes that I had ever experience," I say. "The way you just love those kids, it is in your own way. I am pretty sure that they know that and I wouldn't have missed it for the whole world."

It was when Lilly got sick that Katniss would stay near her bed almost every night. She was probably four years old, and had come down with a fever and a nasty cough. Her mother had given her instructions on how to make the herbs and medicine for the fever. That whole week we ate chicken broth. She must have gotten hunting the whole week to have enough food for the soup. In the night times when she was so tired that she couldn't even smile, Katniss would sit in a chair next to Lilly's bed. At first I would just look at her from the doorway, seeing how Katniss was so tender towards her, when before she was so scared that she would fail her as a mother. It wasn't until I heard the humming that I knew that it was probably what she did for Prim when she got sick or scared, she sang to her to calm her down. I doubt that Lilly even remembers that, but I know that Thomas does. He would tell me that his mama had the most beautiful voice, that "she sounded like birds."

The flash of the yellow butterfly comes into my mind and I immediately let out a laugh. It was the one thing that I had forgotten, the one thing that I wish I could have remembered.

"Yellow butterfly," I blurt out.

She looks at me confused at the fact that I am blurting out things. I have never been so happy to remember something so insignificant for everyone, but so important to me. That day I wanted to remember until my last breath. The day that I fell in love with her. The warm autumn morning, the skipping along the dirt road in my school clothes. So happy to be going somewhere different for the first time ever. It was the singing of a little girl chasing a yellow butterfly that caught my attention. When I pointed at her, my father told me the story of how he fell in love with her mother.

"You chased a yellow butterfly," I say. "That day when you were walking with your father. You were singing."

"He had taught me that song so that I wouldn't be afraid," she says remembering the day. She hardly ever talked about her father but it seems that something has changed and the way she looks back at the memories is much more of a gift than a curse.

"Truth be told, I didn't want to go to school," she says with a sort of happiness at the memory. "That morning, my father had to teach me a song when I was sad or lonely, or scared. So as we walked to school, he taught me verse by verse, and I guess you must have caught me singing it to the butterfly that I was chasing."

I wrap my around her waist and draw her in close to me. It is the warmth of her body that is just like a magnet that I can't help but to be around. She runs her hands around my arms and just gives out a deep sigh of relief. Funny thing happens though, she starts to sway side to side, humming something. It was how it started, back in the Victor's Village. As if on cue, I move my hand and grabs her twisting her slowly around and catching her with my other hand on her waist. She smiles at me.

"It has been a while," I say, remembering the time we danced in the woods. It was a couple of months ago, right before the winter came. The leaves had all fallen to the ground and the wind would come in and swish them around. I remember that day, she laughed so much, because we danced so much.

"A couple of months," she says still humming between the words. These moments are the ones that I remember every detail. The way she moves so lightly, that my hand doesn't even touch her waist. It is as she knows exactly where to go. We must have been dancing for a while because the humming stop and I can feel her head rest on my chest. She moves more slowly in my arms.

Looking down, her eyes reach up to meet mines. It is the same eyes to looked at me when we were first dancing in the President's house. Surrounded by everyone that wanted to kill us, it didn't matter, all we wanted to do was to steal time away from them. The simple times that we have spent just making all these memories, now I get to keep. For so long, years and years I have had to struggle with keeping from forgetting the memories I want to, keeping from remembering the ones that I wish to forget. Now as I look at her, all I can think of is that I don't want to forget a single moment. The way her hair touches her face in such a gentle way, it is almost as if it is a feather landed on the ground. The way her eyes look at me, its inner emotions, its inner fire, the way it can just disarm me without the need of anything more than just a look. Even the little freckle that hides under her chin near her neck. Something about it, that I long to see it.

My finger reaches for her chin. The hairs on my hand stand on fire as the tip of my fingers gently racks over her the edge of her jawline, making the trip that I have known so many times. The tip of her chin I place my finger on and as if it is on the breeze of the wind I easily move her chin up and there hidden in the back at the top of her neck is a single black dot.

"Dot?" I whisper trying to make sense of it.

She looks at me.

"Dot?" she repeats.

"I don't know why but it is as if I am remembering something," I say.

She smiles at the realization of something that I don't know. "It was a story my mother told me about my father and how they showed they loved each other back in the District."

"Tell me the story?" I say wishing that I could have been there to hear it firsthand. There are a lot of things that I wish I could have experienced. The memories that make no sense, I have started to write down. The winter woods with the red leaves dancing in the wind, is one that is on repeat every night. It isn't even a nightmare, but frustrating because I don't understand it.

"My father would always leave a small dot on the frost over bathroom mirror," she says. "To tell my mother that he loved her. Prim of course wouldn't see it when she would wipe the mirror off, but my mother did. It was their way of talking to each other."

"Sounds wonderful," I say smiling. "Their own little language that no one knew but them."

I hear someone clearing their throat and as we turn around we see both Thomas and Lilly looking at us smiling. They seemed to have been woken up, I guess we were as quiet as we would have hoped. The way Lilly smiles, it is such a sweet one, reminds me of Prim's.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping," Thomas tells us. They are looking at us the same way we would have if we saw our parents dancing in the moonlight with no music. One it would be weird but then we would see that our parents loved each other. Probably that is what Katniss saw a couple of times with her parents.

"Yeah, Papa," Lilly chimes in looking at her brother. She looks at Katniss with a playful tease in her face. Placing her two hands on her hips, it almost seems as if she is trying to tell us how we did something wrong. "Didn't you just have major surgery? It isn't like you are made of stone now."

The fact that I did have surgery a couple of days ago doesn't even come into play here. I know that I should be taking it easy but then again, it isn't like I am running around in an arena, or down in a sewer trying to escape both myself and a mutt. That was the hardest thing, brain surgery? That is a walk in the park compare to that. It is thoughtful though, that they would worry about us both so much. I know that I worried about my father back when he was alive, and Katniss I would like to believe worried about her mother as well.

"Almost time to get up," Katniss responds with a laugh in her voice. "Wanted to give you both more time to sleep. Since you do enjoy the sheets on your eyes."

It is the truth, the children do love to sleep. I guess if we had never gone into the arena, or the rebellion probably we wouldn't mind sleeping in late. Nowadays we spend less and less time sleeping, could be the habit which would be the answer that we would give the children whenever they would ask, but we both know the truth. We try to sleep as least as possible because we are afraid of the nightmares or the fact that we might have to run again.

I offer my hand to Lilly. She looks at me and blushes. Her hands go from on her hips to clasp in front of her. Looking down at first towards her feet, I can tell that she still might be smiling.

"Would you do me the honor?" I say. She looks up and I can see in the hint of the morning light, that her smiles has mimic that of her mothers. She nods at me a little bit. I look over to Thomas and clearing my throat I look over to Katniss trying to give him the hint. He looks at me and then stumbles to offer his hand to his mother. His mother of course as graceful as a hunter can be accepts and for a couple of seconds we both pretend we are in some celebration. It was a great moment that I know we will remember.

The morning after that was quick and in just a couple of hours we were already walking towards the train station. Delly had already gotten us our tickets and as she provides us with the envelope with the tickets she tells us that she has to finish up some paperwork before she can head back to District Twelve.

"Don't worry," she says. "Everything has been prepared."

Looking at the tickets I see the names again. Rose and John Henderson, riding alongside with their two children Sophia and Brandon. Never did understand it, but I guess it was always Haymitch being Haymitch. The mentor always looking out for his tributes. Katniss feels more comfortable traveling this way, always keeping her head low, hair never in a braid but always loose covering some of her face.

I hand the tickets to Lilly and Thomas and they look them with a frown.

"Sophia," Lilly says. "Do I honestly look like a Sophia?"

Thomas just laughs at her but when he looks at his, his face changes to one of disgust.

"Brandon?" He say surprised. "Well better than the one I had last time. What was it? Lucius? Sounded like one of those Capitol children."

Katniss looks at hers and smiles. It is the name of a flower, part of her sisters name. She sticks out her tongue at me because Delly of course gave me the common, pedestrian name known, John.

"Well can't be all that bad," I say. "Probably next time, I will get some more exotic. You know a name from District One."

We look around the train station and find no one is there. Katniss's mother had come to see us off, before her shift at the Medical Center. She slips something in my pocket and then gives me a long embrace. As the train slides into the station I see that Katniss is giving her mother a kiss before finally coming next to me and holding my hand. The attendant asks for our tickets and as we hand them to him, he nods at our identifications and waves us on board.

"Your cabin has been set aside," he says. "It is in the rear as you requested. Let us know if you need anything."

The kids speed past us and down the hallway. They stop at our room and we walk inside we close the door and lock it behind us. Placing the packs near the door, Lilly walks over to the window and peers out.

"We never did get to go fishing," she says letting off a deep sigh of regret. It is those moments that I wish I could take away. The moments where you fail to provide something that your children had wanted. It isn't easy to hear but you know that sometimes you just have to put things into perspective.

"We will come back soon," I say to her. My hands rest on her shoulders and I can tell from the way she speaks that although she doesn't want to admit it, she is a little disappointed.

"It doesn't matter Papa," she says. "I am just glad that you are okay. Although I wish you would have kept the hat."

She start to laugh and of course Katniss joins her. The bandages that Katniss's mother made me wear for the last three days I couldn't wait to take off this morning. I was glad to see that it was just three incisions where the tiny robotic arms went in with the lasers to zap the areas, I guess. It was all very complex when Doctor Aurelius tried to explain it that night after I was released. You can barely even tell the small scars under my hair.

"Don't worry," Katniss says. "We have towels at home that we can make it into his hat."

The train could be heard and the announcer comes onto the speaker.

"We are now departing District Four. Relax and enjoy the scenery that Panem has to offer as we move towards the outer Districts of our country."

The outer Districts. The way he says it, just makes it seem like we are at the edge of nothing and that it is much better to be closer to the center. If people only knew what we did, they wouldn't walk to the 'Outer Districts,' they would run.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One

She sits in there in looking at the scenery just pass by. She hasn't moved for hours and the way she looks out the window reminds me of the times that I would just sit by the tree and lookout pass the fence and into the forest. We aren't going as fast as the first bullet trains of the Capitol, these commuter trains travel at a more modest pace and you can tell somewhat the scenery. It had always been a dream of hers to travel from end to end of Panem. She had always told me that she wondered what was beyond the coast and if anything existed on the other side or does it loop all way around.

"Hey monkey," I say. "Don't you want to go to your room."

She looks back and then shakes her head no. She wears the green sweater that Katniss loves to 'borrow' from me. I have yet to get it back from her, I don't mind though. Katniss let her use it when she went to lie down on the bed. Now it looks much bigger on her, my beautiful daughter.

"I rather stay here with you," she says to me. I look back and see Katniss had already fallen asleep with Thomas there on the bed. Neither one of them wanted to go to their room, opting to stay with us.

"Okay," I say bringing a chair next to her. We both look outside the window and I can see the countryside, the vastness of it all. Can't believe so many years ago we were able to cross that whole thing from District Twelve all the way over to the Capitol. The fact that we had to stop twice to switch drivers was crazy in itself. It was the only way to drive non-stop all the way through.

"So, your mother told me that you asked about the Games," I say looking at her eyes. She doesn't look away but I can see a sadness there. "Do you…have…any questions?"

"No," she starts and then stops. "Well I do have something that I have been wondering about. Is that the reason why we travel at night between the Districts, or why we have different names every time we come into a new District or leave? Or even the reason why we stay more and more in the house by the lake and not in the Victor's Village."

She doesn't talk much but doesn't mean that she isn't paying attention. The things that we try to keep from her, she is the first to call out. I don't know if to be proud of her, or fearful that she might be growing too fast. We had made a conscience effort to keep the things that we suffered from away from her and probably that wasn't the best course of teaching her everything, but Katniss was always fearful that if they knew everything, that they wouldn't love us the same.

"It is part of the reason," I say. "It is for your protection, because you, your mother, and your brother mean the world to me. There are some people that haven't forgotten what we did back when we were your age."

"When you killed people," she says looking down.

A silence in my voice. How do you respond to this?

"Well there is that," I say. "But mostly because of the changes after the War."

"Papa, I thought the changes were a good thing. The schools and the fact that people can go to other Districts," she says. "People are mad about that?"

"You have to think about it from their point of view," I say. "Always try to understand someone before you judge them. Imagine if we lived in the Capitol, and well someone came and a War started against the government and you lose all that. You lose your home, you lose your friends, you lose everything that you loved to do. Wouldn't you be upset?"

"I know but," she says. "You didn't do it on purpose, did you?"

"We didn't mean to start anything," I say. "Your mother was just trying to save me the way I saved her. It just didn't go…to…plan."

I look to the window behind her. Something is off. Normally the speed of the train isn't this slow. The trees would always look like a blur and now I can count them. I look back to Lilly who is now trying to see what I am staring at. Trying to ease her mind, I place my hand on her shoulder.

"Hey Monkey, how long have we been passing trees?" I ask her looking out the window.

"Since we left Grandmas," she responds. The math doesn't add up. "And you haven't fallen asleep right?"

She nods her head no, and I can tell that my questions are not the normal ones.

"Do me a favor? Can you count the trees," I ask her.

She looks at me a little weary knowing full well that something is wrong. A couple of seconds and I place my hand on hers, and smile. I mouth the words that everything is okay and she finally turns around and begins to count them as they pass the window. She starts to voice them out loud.

"Okay," I say. "Keep on, I have to tell you mother something."

I get up and walking over to her, I see that she is sound sleeping. It could be my paranoia, but something feels off. The trains nowadays do not stop. They have enough fuel to get from District to District before stops. When we went in the high speed trains, we never stopped in between District and had to stop in a fuel station halfway to the Capitol. I wish I didn't have to wake her up, but I have to know if I am being paranoid.

I place my hand on her shoulder. She moves a little bit before I have to shake her shoulder. She turns around and as her eyes connect with mines, she immediately can tell something is wrong. She moves gently as to not wake up Thomas, and as we walk towards the bathroom she looks back to that although Lilly hasn't turned around, she has stopped counting. She knows that I needed to talk to her mother and that although I have never kept anything from them, this is something I needed to talk to her first about.

"Something is wrong," I say whispering to her.

She looks at me and then looks at the room. The rooms looks normal. There isn't anything to sense that something is wrong. All in all it feels like a normal day.

"The train is slowing down," I say.

"Repairs?" she says. "Fuel?"

"On a commuter train," I say questioning.

It is true that I may be paranoid, and the train isn't slowing down at all. The next stop from District Four is District Eleven, but I haven't see the crops, I haven't seen the fields, all I have seen are the trees.

"Katniss," I say a little bit more serious. "Where are the fields of District Eleven?"

"Probably we already passed them," she says.

"Lilly says that ever since we left District Four, she has seen the woods, and no she didn't fall asleep," I say. "I thought about a new route, but why would they take us through another District to loop around and back?"

She walks over to the children. She looks at them and then finally looks back. The full realization hitting her a little bit much more stronger than me.

"Thomas," she calls out to him. It takes a couple of seconds but when Thomas opens his eyes he looks straight into his mother's eyes and immediately know something is wrong. Lilly turns around and is already moving towards her pack that we had place in front of the door. Finally it is the words that we wish we would have never heard.

"TJ," Katniss says and we all nod. It is our code, the words that we use in order to quickly tell everyone the situation. The letters meaning tracker jacker means the same thing that meant when we were in the Games, we are trapped and being chased.

"Papa are you sure?" Thomas says. I look to Katniss and she nods. I put up my hand to my mouth signaling that we are not to talk. He at first wants to protest but know that all this time all the 'games' that we would play in the house by the lake. The training on how to move quietly and hunting in the woods was all coming to this moment. We had always made it a game, to see who could be the most silent. It was always the same two people at the end, Katniss and Lilly. We did every kind of training we could think of with the kids growing up, strength training by hiking every day, endurance training by seeing how long we can hold our breathe underwater, weapons training by hunting with bows, nets, and spears, even survival training by learning how to make nets and fire, when to start one and when not to. We knew that there were never going to go into the Games, but we never knew how the man would forget. It has happened before.

Thomas walks over to the bathroom and unscrews a light bulb. I hand him a towel and he wraps it in the towel. I turn around and grab both Katniss's pack and mine own. Katniss kneels next to the door and as she slides the knife under the door she tilts it to see the reflection. First one way and then the other. She turns and puts up a fist. It means no one, the hallway is empty.

"Rear," she says back to us. We all nod and know that our exit point is the rear of the train. Katniss shows two fingers and points towards the left. It means that me and Thomas are to take the rear. My hand goes to the rear of my pants and as I touch the handle of my knife he does the same thing.

"Don't do anything," I tell him. "Let me."

He nods. There is no fear in his movement but there is apprehension, nervousness, un-sureness. We had hope never to have to do this for real. I show five fingers to Katniss giving her a countdown. She nods and we move crouched against the door. I lift my hand to the release and as I reach one, I click the door and the door slides open. We walk out quickly and Katniss and Lilly without any hesitation walk towards the other way of the hallway causally. We look quick and see no one, I tap Thomas on his shoulder and he turns and walks leaving me to make sure that no one is following us.

As a habit, I have always counted the cars in trains. We have three cars to be able to get to the rear of the train. If anything the next two cars are storage and we do not have interact with anyone. As we walk I see Thomas place his knife in his right hand and twists it up into his jacket hiding it. A little trick that Haymitch taught him when he was ten. It was when Haymitch sat us down and with a serious tone in his voice told us that we would have to teach them how to survive without us. It was something that we had never thought of. The thought that one day if it ever came to, that they would be able to survive, to live on without us. Katniss of course was so adamant against teaching them anything more than hunting. She would say that to teach them the ability to kill would do more harm that anything. Haymitch had to point out that soon enough people would forget that they were even Victors, just like they did with him, and then our children would be placed in danger. Katniss was so angry at him that she put the rules that day about no drinking in front of the children.

Now as we walk quickly through the hallway of the sleeping rooms, I wonder if we did enough to prepare them. The doors slide open and then as we walk into the next car, I see that it is more people. We keep our heads down as we walk towards the other end of the large train car. The good thing about the time is that it is almost evening time so people have been sleeping. We walk in a group, Katniss in the front, Lilly right behind, her brother looking at her rear and me making sure that everyone is safe.

Just as we reach the door I hear the chime over the speakers.

"Good evening everyone," a voice says over the speakers. "We have a little bit of a situation and we would need your assistance in."

"Keep walking," I say urging them all who have just stopped to hear the voice in the speaker. Whoever the voice is, I don't trust it, and if we can get to the end car then we can finally make a plan. They hesitate until finally Katniss moves and we continue walking towards the final car.

"We are missing a family of patrons that are traveling to District Twelve," I hear faintly as we move in between cars. I look to the side and see that the train has continued to slow down. As we walk back into the last car, I see the boxes and cargo and of course the voice on the speaker.

"A father, a mother, a sister and a brother," the voice continues. "But wait they are not just any family, they are a celebrity family. You did not know it, but you were in the presence of someone so famous that they change their names when they board trains. First there was James, and then it was Frederick, once they boy had a name called Lucius."

Thomas stops in his tracks. He looks at me, with for the first time is fear. I kneel next to him.

"Remember what I told you," I say. "When we feel scared of something, we..."

He takes a gulp and then finishes the sentence. "Accept the fear and move forward one step at a time."

He never liked the thunder and lightning and when he came in that one night. He was ashamed because he thought he had let us down.

"It is okay to feel scared," I told him back then. "We are all scared of something. The secret is to accept that what you feel is okay. We don't let it stop us from moving forward. We walk one step at time until it doesn't scare us anymore."

He nods and then looks back into the storage car. Handing me the towel with the light-bulb , I motion that they continue walking towards the back. Katniss huddles both of them and they move past the boxes and in between some crates and disappear. I look back into hallway and still see no one.

"If you can assist us we would mostly appreciated," the voice continues. It is the thought that someone would be after all, after all this time doesn't make sense. Katniss had always had this sneaky feeling and even Haymitch never trusted the peace and harmony that we were experiencing. He always said that we would finally be free when everyone in the entire country of Panem forgets who we are and what we had done.

"So what are you saying, that...we will never be safe," Katniss asked.

"You are finally catching on sweetheart," he responds. "I am sorry to be the one to tell you but once you grabbed that gun and got into the hovercraft, everything changed."

"I can't accept that," I say. "Living our lives...like..."

He looks at me, the dawn of realization comes over my face. It is as if he had never wanted to tell us this. The one thing that he had held onto himself ever since we came back as Victors. That we would never be free, the Capitol is not just the President, and the corruption of the government it is the people, and as long as the Capitol exists we will forever be held to them. A device of their evil.

"Like...like...who?" he says. "Like me? Now you are catching on. You are finally getting the life that you will always have to lead. Living in the shadows. At least you two found each other, or were pushed into each other. I...tried...once..."

Our lives will never be safe, but I will be damned if I would let them grab my children's lives. I smash the light bulb in the towel against the wall and kneeling I sprinkle the pieces on the ground, moving back slowly spreading it out. It was a little trick that we learned.

I meet up with them at the back of the train. The door is poised to be opened.

"Your very own Mockingjay is on this train, with her husband the baker, and their two children," the voice comes over the speaker continues. "If you can hear my voice then you realize that something that people are starting to understand. That we are in control of the train, and the safety of everyone on it. All two hundred and forty six, including the attendants and engineers. Now you have a choice, if, if, you can hear my voice. Come to the dining car in one minute or...and here is the best part...the blood of everyone on this train will be added to the countless lives you have already taken. This will be your only request."

I look to Katniss and already know what she plans to do. I grab her hand and she smiles knowing that I wouldn't let her. She places her other hand on mines and then looks at me.

"Mom," I hear Lilly say. We don't break our glance, it is as if we already knew one day this would happen. It was what Haymitch had warned us all along. "Mom, what is happening?"

She turns around and as she lets go of my hand she places her hands on Lilly's face.

"It is time," she says pressing the button of the door. The door slides open and we can see the outside. The train has not slowed down any more than what we had seen. It is dangerous at this speed but it isn't deadly. The bushes on the sides of the train will lessen the fall. It will be enough, hopefully to save their lives.

"Time for what?" Thomas says. "We have to get off the train. Papa, it is the plan right? Please."

His tears come out of his face. We have pushed them, we have loved them, we have shown them how to survive. Now it is time for them to do it.

"It is," I say. "You take care of your sister. We will see each other soon."

Lilly jerks her face towards me and her face turns from confusion to sadness. She realizes what we are doing. We cannot leave the lives of these people in the hands of others.

"Papa," she starts before I interrupt.

"Have we ever broken a promise?" I tell them both. "In all the years that we have been together, have we broken a single promise."

A tear begins to form behind my eyes, and I have to struggle to keep my emotions in check. They cannot see us breaking down, if not they would never leave. They both have the strength of their mother and with that I know that they will be okay. I tug at the transmitter around my neck, knowing that I have never taken it off out of habit. I put it in Lilly's hand.

"There is a transmitter in this," I say looking at them both. "We will find each other. I promise."

Thomas's hand is already tugging at Lilly's hand. He already knows what he has to do. He has to take care of his sister, he has to make sure that both of them survive.

"Come on," Thomas tells Lilly. "We have to go. They will find us."

They both turnaround from us giving Katniss enough time to wipe the tear from her eyes. She grabs my hand and I know that she wants to forget the plan, forget the people on the train, that she wants to be as selfish as she can, but knows that she just can't.

"Remember," she calls out to them.

They both turn around.

"We love you," she says. "And as you land, roll."

They both look at us one more time, there eyes filled with tears and then turn jump.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two

Lillian

Run, run, run. That is all I think about as soon as my feet are under me. I only offer a quick look back to Thomas to make sure he is up and running, before we dig into the dirt and run. My heart beats not the thump thump thump that it usually does, but it actually says the words, run, run, run. We run without knowing where we are going, we run as if fire was chasing us. I look back every five seconds, making sure that he is behind me. It is the last thing that papa told us, to watch out for each other. My arms pump up and down, up and down, until finally I can't run anymore.

I finally stop holding onto a tree. It is there that I hear the footsteps of Thomas right behind me. His breathing is deep and ragged, as if he had a cold.

"Why…are…we…stopping," Thomas says between the breathes. "We…have to…keep…going."

I turn around looking at him with his hand on his knees. We must have been running for almost an hour, or I think it might be an hour. I am pretty sure if I were to go up to him and just nudge him, he would probably fall to the ground.

"And go where?" I say trying to regain my breath. "We don't even know where we are. Do you?"

He looks up at me still huffing and puffing. We don't really run this much, we have hiked close to the mountains, but Papa would always stop us from going there. Saying something about death in the valleys. They always talk in riddles, I never understood why sometimes they wouldn't just tell us.

"No," Thomas says. "I don't. But…we have…to find water."

It is the first rule that mama and papa told us. To find water. First we have to find a trail, any sign of animal life in order to track it to their water source. Slipping my backpack, I unzip it looking for the three metal rods. Moving the provisions and the two rolls of socks, I feel the cool metal rods. Taking them out, I look up and that Thomas is doing the same thing. I unscrew the tops the two long ones and slide out the metal arrows. We screw the three empty rods together and going to my neck I unclasp the heavy string. Thomas's string of course is part of his belt so I see him pull it out. We both string up the makeshift bow and sheath the arrows. It was a gift that my father had made by the Capitol. He told us that we should never have to use this unless it is a dire emergency and need a weapon. Now that we are in the middle of no-where we would have to find a way to hunt and survive out here until we can meet back up with mama and papa.

I look for tracks and in the nearby ground I see the light tracks. Kneeling down I test the soil and find that they were made a couple of minutes ago. The soil is hard but the depth means that the game is a small animal, probably a squirrel or a small rabbit. There is hope if we can trap it. I grab a silver arrow. It feels light and slick. My papa spent hours perfecting it, the weight the feel, that it would be the same as a regular wood arrow. Notching the arrow, I look towards Thomas, who has already has an arrow in his bow.

"Rabbit or squirrel," I say pointing. "You hungry?"

He smiles and I know that he must be hungry. He nods at me and I can tell that he is going through the mental checklist that papa and mama gave us when we went out hunting. I see him grab the nearest leaf and crunch it up to get the way the wind is blowing.

We begin to walk following the trail. We don't talk about what just happened, it is the way it is in the woods. We have to think about surviving first and then allow ourselves to go back to that moment. It isn't easy to keep the tears from coming, I am not as strong as mama, or level headed as papa.

I hear the twirl of a bird and know the call of Thomas. I make the bird call back and looking at the nearby bushes, I see the soft rustles of a branch. I pull back on the string, the familiar tense feeling, my shoulders sing with the feel of happiness that I feel every time I draw the arrow back.

'Wait just a second more.'

I can feel the heart beat slow down and my breathing level out. A smile begins to creep in when I finally see the grey black rabbit inch out into the open. I wait one more second and as I close my eyes for that millisecond as my two fingers finally let go, and I can feel the wind take the arrow through the air until it finally reaches the rabbit in the side.

It falls quickly and as I turn I see Thomas.

"I flushed him out," he says.

"You know the rules," I say. "The one that kills doesn't clean."

I hand him my knife. He puts up his hand and takes out his own. When did he get a knife? Did Papa give him the knife? Looking at it from a far I can see the knife grip pattern is not one of mama or papa. The knife is curved and looks sharp. He walks over to the rabbit, and kneeling down he carefully pulls out the arrow. He knows that with the limited number of arrows we have to protect every single arrow. That is one of the reason why the arrows are made with this metal that is so strong, well at least that is why I think it is. The color I wish would have been more of a toned down color, than this silver color. He begins to clean the rabbit, and does very quick work of it.

I look around the nearby brushes for dead wood and when I finally have enough to start a fire to cook it. Looking around I wish that we knew where we were and if they were coming for us. The fire would definitely give us away but we need to cook it to last.

After eating part of the rabbit, we quickly extinguish the fire and move about sixty feet away from the site. My mama once told me that she would climb trees when she couldn't make it back into the District when she was my age. That seems like the best sort of plan now as the sun is beginning to set on what seemed to be one of the worst day of my life.

As we tie ourselves into the tree, I can tell Thomas is feeling a little bit like me, like the walls are finally showing the cracking of the emotions. How do they do it? Mama and Papa can just hold it, make it disappear and we, seem that we can't.

I can hear him sniffle as I place my hand on his hair. I try to get him to sleep but it seems that no even my lap is comfort, like mamas'. What I wouldn't get to hear her sing like she would do when no one was watching, or to feel my father's arms around me, just one more time.

"You okay Tommy," I say softly in his ear.

"Lilly," he says. "Do you think we will..."

I stop him because I don't know how to answer that question without asking it myself. It is the one question that I wish I didn't have in the back of my mind all this time. It wasn't fear, or the fact that I couldn't slow my heart beat in the beginning, or the fact that the scratches on my knees and elbows still hurt very badly from the fall from the train.

"Remember that time when Papa told us about the stars," I ask trying to comfort him and more importantly comfort myself. "How he would tell us that the stars were the little windows of the people looking over us, people that love us?"

"Yeah," he says obviously sad.

"Those bright ones up there," I say pointing to the ones in the night sky. "Those are not them. They are right now looking at the same stars that we are. We will find each other, I promise you that okay?"

I kiss him on the top of his head.

"Now go to sleep," I say.

"What about you?" he says.

"I will sleep later," I say. And with that he finally lets out a deep breath and I can tell that his eyes are closing. Probably he will get some sleep, I know that I will try to later.

Katniss

I didn't know. How could I possibly know? My mother told me very little. Even Peeta told me nothing. How could you prepare for it? I don't know whether to cry or or or...there is nothing but the feeling to cry. What could I do? My hands, what do I do with them? It is as my mind doesn't work. The only thing that I can think of is, knots, making knots. Is that what he did to take his mind off the madness. How could I possibly know, that letting them go would be the hardest thing in my life. That I could love them so much more now than I did before.

I wish I could go back in time and tell them how much they mean to me. I turn to him, looking at me with his understanding eyes. The strength that he gives me is the only thing that can get me through this. It is that stupid thing that he does that gives me the assurance that I need.

"Tell me," I say. "Promise me...please."

He looks at me and then turns back to the open door. We could just barely see them. They jumped and the last thing I remember seeing was both of them running into the woods. He stays there looking for a second longer and then finally turning back, he grabs both of my hands and looks me straight in my eyes.

"I promise," he says to me. "We will see them again."

She stands up and helps me up to see him. He holds me a couple of seconds trying to steady my heart, trying to reassure the fears of losing them. His hands go around my back and then up to my neck. He tugs at the chain exposing the transmitter.

"Hide this in your boot," he says. "They can't find it, okay?"

I unloop it and then hold it in my hands. It is this very small thing, that has all of our medical records. The gift that was given by Beetee so many years ago, is the one thing that will get us back to them. On the outside it looks like a small charm, the transmitter hidden, only activated by two ways, when Peeta heart rate reaches a critical level or when turned on by a small button. Beetee gave it to us as a way for making up for making the bombs that killed Prim that day the Capitol was taken by the rebels, one for me and one for Peeta.

Turning it in my hand, I realize what Peeta was doing when he handed it to Lilly. It was telling them and telling me that we would find them, that we would never stop looking for them. I slip it in my boots and we begin to walk towards the dining car.

The hallways now filled with crazed people holding their children. They look at us and as we walk they don't whisper, they don't look at us with contempt, but now with a different look, it is almost as if they remembered what we really did. It was the same look they gave Peeta when we were in District Eleven.

Two more cars of the same thing, some even stopping us along the way to tell us that we should leave them. It did cross my mind, and why shouldn't it have. They have hated us, they have looked at us with blame, and if anything, I would be living up to the image that everyone has made for us. We could easily just hit the button for the door and jump. Probably that is something that Haymitch would tell us to do. If I never got to know Peeta, it would have been the normal thing for me to do, just take care of my family, but it was this boy who changed everything. He doesn't have to tell me anything, I know that it would be the one thing that he does and wouldn't once think twice about it.

"It is okay," he tells me. "It will be okay."

We reach the ornate glass dining door, and slowly approach the situation. What is our game plan, I think to myself. I pause for a second at the door and feel him move in front of me opening the door. The door finally opens and there stands two people at the center of the room. They don't move, they don't say anything, the thing that upsets me the most, is that they just smile as if they are pleased with what we have decided.

"Would you look at this," the slender ones says to the other one. "We are in the presence of a true celebrity. Louis did you know that back before the dark days way before Panem was even created that there was something called an Civil War?"

My eyes dart to the tables to see if there are any weapons. The tables have all been cleared, probably because these two idiots ask for it. The way he talks you can tell that the man is educated and more than likely from the old Capitol. It seems that they will never leave me alone, that they will forever be obsessed with the past.

He turns to me and begins to talk in manner that I wish I had a way to shut him up.

"In this Civil War there were fighting brother against brother, and it got me thinking," he says lifting up his hand to the side of his head. "It sounds sort of like what we went through. You know what... and this will interest you because it is as if they were telling your story. There was a president called Lincoln and he went to a theater to watch what they called a play. Wouldn't you know it, there was someone who didn't really like this president although everyone in the whole county loved him. This person decided that they wanted to end the life of the person that the whole country loved and guess what happened..."

Peeta stands in front of me knowing something that obviously I don't. He puts a hand on my stomach stopping me from moving forward.

"What does all this have to do with us," Peeta says forcefully. He is no longer the mild manner boy from the bakery. Somewhere along the way he became what I knew he always was, my protector.

"You would think that someone with a Capitol guide as refined as Effie Trinkett, would have learned not to interrupt others when they are talking, that is just bad manners," he retorts. "You ask what this has to do with you? Well with you nothing, you are as insignificant as my dear associate here. Your wife however the history of the past has greatly to do with her. You see their wasn't a trial for the man who shot the president, for he was a terrorist and terrorist do not have the luxury that we have the civilized cultured people have..."

It is then that he stops and puts up a finger. He is obviously hearing something in his ear piece because he stops talking which gives me enough time to inch my hand to the hilt of my knife.

Peeta turns ever so slightly and gives me a small nod no. It is as if he knows what I am thinking, and remembers that according to the initial threat he has some sort of bomb.

"It seems that we are missing someone," he says. "Two some ones to be exact...even though I love playing games especially hide-and-seek...we are in a bit of a time table so if you please..."

He throws towards us a walkie. Peeta catches it and places it on the nearest table. Letting go of my hand he finally clears his throat.

"Going to need one with a longer range," he says smiling. "Honestly at the rate of speed that we are going I wonder how big of an antenna we would need... Well that and I don't think that they make outdoor speakers. So sorry that we can't play your favorite game, but it will be just us."

I can see a small twitch on the slender man's neck. It brings me a little bit of satisfaction to know that this was not according to his plan. The way he looks at Peeta it is as if he was out smarted. He turns to the other man and tells him to verify what Peeta just said.

"Stop the train," he says to someone on the other side of the earpiece. The only thing that I can hope for is that the kids got far enough to get away from us. It was probably twenty minutes before he realized that the children were not in the other cars. They were probably looking for them, I wonder how they would know, what they even look like. The one thing that we would not allow Effie to do was to set up an interview with them, so how would they even know?

"Did you check them," he says to the man next to him.

"We...we...did," he says stammering obviously scared. "Every single one of them."

He takes out something that is the size of small tablet and turning it on he shows it to them. It is then that I realize what they are talking about. They still have our blood samples on file, in the Capitol database. Every time we had to report for the reaping they would take our blood, check it with the ones in our registration files.

"Well if they are not here," he starts to say. "It is time for my second favorite game."

"Which is," I finally say to him.

"Oh the pretty little mockingjay still has a voice," he says. "To be honest, I was a little bit disappointed to see that your husband was taking a more traditional role. I was so looking forward in meeting the famous Girl on Fire."

I take a step around Peeta and being only a couple of feet around from him.

"Give me a bow, and I will make sure that you meet her," I say.

"Great," he says. "Tell her that Booth is dying to meet her."


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three

Katniss

The things that we do in life seems to always have a consequence. Even in the things that we do that are considered the right things, sometimes the end result is never what we wished. No matter what we do, even if we are careful things always happen, and well you can't protect anyone forever. I just hope that we gave them enough of us to keep them safe. It was the argument that Peeta never wanted to teach them to be killers.

"We are not teaching them to kill," I say raising my voice. "We are teaching them to survive."

He places his hands on his face frustrated. These are the things that we always fight about, anything that has to do with the children. We couldn't keep them small forever, and now that we are faced with the thought of not only teaching them to hunt but to survive. There is a line, that we crossed not in the arena but in District Thirteen and now as we see them growing up, we fight to keep them from ever being forced with that choice.

Looking at him now, I wonder if we had enough time to prepare them.

"They will be fine," I hear him whisper in my ear. The way he knows what I am thinking always brought some sort of comfort to me. It was knowing that I wasn't alone, that people still cared about me. What did I ever do to deserve him, I will never know.

"Did I tell you today..." I start to say, before his smile stops me.

"No, but I know," he says to me not looking. We look around and see the guns, the people and of course the realization that it is two small children against what seems like an army. He is obviously looking at the numbers, trying to calculate a plan.

"Obviously," someone shouts. "You do not understand the importance of having the children, so I will tell you this. If you do not bring them back alive, then none of you come back alive. And if you do not think that I am serious..."

Just then he takes out a gun and shoots someone right next to him. The way the quickness of the gun came out and the fact that he didn't even hesitate means that not only is he trained, but he is also a lunatic. The body goes limp and the blood just begins to pour out.

"Oh goodness," he says. "That will leave a mark on the floor. Be a good sport and remove the body. Toss it somewhere where the animals can have a meal."

He removes a white napkin from his vest pocket and cleans off the splatter from his face. He didn't even flinch, there was no remorse. Who is the man that is lying on the ground, did he know what he was signing up to, did he have a family that he will now never go home to?

Two of the guards grab the dead man and move off the train. The night sky visible from where we sit, as they disappear through the woods. I wonder if they are okay. Are they scared, do they even miss us at all. The guards all hurry out of the open train door and into the woods. It is night so if he doesn't have night vision, they will never find them. I can see Peeta hand tense when the people who leave the train cock their guns. It is not tranquilizer darts but live rounds that they put in the magazines. They file out one by one...one...two...three...until seven of them have left in the dark woods.

Another one comes towards us with some sort of devices in their hands. Peeta gets in front of me and as he does another one takes out what seems to be a stun gun.

"Easy or hard," he says showing Peeta the voltage. "Up to you, doesn't matter to me."

I put my hand on Peeta's shoulder. The last thing that Peeta needs is anything that would cause his heart to speed up. The surgery although a couple of days old, still is major surgery and his recovery matters to me.

"It is alright," I say trying to soften my voice to him. His head turns and looks at me. He knows that I love him for trying to always protect me, but it is something that we have to accept. The moment that we stayed on the train, we both knew that probably we wouldn't make it off the train. I guess this is his way of always making sure that I survive. Even now he is still trying to make sure of it and I love him for it.

"It is okay," I say again, putting my hand on his arm and pulling him aside. He moves over to the side and allows the two guards to place on us the vest. The vest has a noticeable weight, but not enough to stop me from walking. Once clipped in the vest, they flip some sort of switch and a small red light turns on. The vest isn't bulky but slim fit.

"Sir, they are on the grid," one of the guard says.

"Wonderful," Booth says. "Now to tell you why you are here."

He walks over to me and removes the gun from his holster. He points it in my face and as I stare at the end of the barrel, I keep my eyes focused on his. Those cold black eyes, I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing me flinch. He lets go of the gun and actually hands it to me in a quick motion.

It has to be a trick, but the weight of the gun and I know that the gun is a real one and the rounds are live rounds. I could easily do it, just pull the trigger and it would be all over. I look at it and then with a quick motion I raise it to the face of our captor and he just smiles.

"It is that simple. Just squeeze," he says. "And it would be all over. But of course, there is always a catch."

His eyes I point down as his hands go up to his shirt. He begins to unbutton his shirt and there I see a similar device on his chest. The beeping, the colors and I can see it is the same device.

"You see," Booth says. "These wonderful little things that we are wearing are not only a bold fashion statement but one of necessity, at least for me. The little red light tells you one thing and one thing only…I die the light goes off and someone else dies."

His eyes dart pointing at me. It is then that I realize the truth, that if Booth dies then so does Peeta.

"That is right," Booth says. "So you might want to lower that gun. Wouldn't want an accident to turn this into a tragedy. Oh and if you think by just removing the jacket you can diminish the game that we are playing, I have thought of that too, and any tampering of the device would set it off. Either way it does not matter to me, what happens to you or your husband, my concern is the person I want you to meet personally."

My hand shakes as I so want to just squeeze my finger. What if he is lying what if there is no way possible. I can just squeeze, but I can't. There is no way I could lose him, not after the miracle of getting him back. The gun slowly becomes too heavy to hold up so I lower it.

"Now that is a good girl," Booth says. "It seems that you now understand the stakes. I would have wanted your children to be wearing your vest, after all I made it for them, but since you decided to be a mother and get them to safety we would have to go with plan B. You might be wondering what the plan is...odd thing is that history is always repeating itself. Seems like we are going to see a play that involves a president."

Lillian

He shakes. The cold wind brings back the memories of a nightmare. I try and keep my cool but what do I do when I don't know. My hands are getting hard to open and close, the coldness in them, makes it hard to focus on anything.

I open the backpack and remove the extra pair of socks. Slipping them onto Thomas's hands I kiss him on the side of his head. It has been probably an hour since he finally fell asleep.

'Mama, Papa what am I going to do?'

Looking for a response or even a small sign in the night sky, but there is nothing. In a couple of hours we will have to move in the coming sunrise. It is what we did that time we were out of the District fence and it was too far to hike it back to any place.

"We will have to wait it out," my papa told my mama. "Guess we are climbing trees huh?"

"No caves to hide in," my mama responded with a smile. It was a secret language that I didn't understand but I can tell that it had to do with their time in the Games.

"We will have to get going at first light," mama tells papa. "The man eaters will still be asleep so we should be able to make it before they are up."

I remember how scared I was when she mentioned the man eaters. It took me a long time to fall asleep. Now looking back I know that they are much more worst things in the woods that can chase us. We have to get up early just in case they are coming for us. If anything papa and mama bought us some time before they could come for us. It was what they told us, to survive.

'A couple more minutes of sleep and I will wait him up. Probably I can close my eyes for a little bit.'

Closing my eyes I try and find some sort of sleep. By the time I open up my eyes I can feel that I slept too long. The light has already turned the grey until the colors of the leaves. I quickly scan the area and see the distance of movement. Fear begin to rise when I see that the movement is not made by a single thing, but by multiple things coming in a uniform movement. Whatever it is, is approaching the fake camp site that we made in order to give us enough time to get out of the area.

I shake Thomas, who has fallen in a deep sleep. My hands have to wrap around his shoulder and the other on his mouth as he is startled awake.

"Sssh," I say trying to keep a even tone. The last thing that my brother needs to feel is that I am afraid, or that I am at the very least uneasy. "We have to get going."

"Why?" He asks not realizing where we are, and what happened yesterday. I wish I could be like him sometimes, living my life in the clouds. The way he sees things it is the most beautiful and also the most frightening. Imagine if you can a balloon that can fly up into the clouds without a fear of ever popping. It is that inability to see the consequences that sometimes gets Thomas in trouble. Mama says that he sees things the way our Aunt Prim use to, not ever knowing your own limitations, but wishing to go farther and higher than anyone else could have.

"We just do," I say. "We have to be very quiet, okay?"

He realizes the tone of my voice and how close we are to real danger. He just nods and hands me the socks that were covering his hands. His hands work on the knot that we made in order to keep us both tied to the tree branch. Once free, I can feel the gravity of the world trying desperately to pull back to the ground. I signal to him that we have to be very quiet and to head to the West. The train was last seen going towards the East, and if we have a chance to find safety it would be our best bet. He begins to inch his way down the trunk of the tree.

Notching an arrow, I point it towards the movement nearest to us. It is still a couple of hundred feet away, but any loud movement would definitely give our position away.

'It is a big bear. Just think of it as a big bear...without any hair, and wearing clothes.'

I have never shot an arrow towards anyone before, much less to try and injure anyone. It was one of the things that our parents took very seriously, that hunting was never to be aimed towards people but towards animals only.

My breathing is uneven, and my hands are shaking. What do I do if it comes to it? I quickly look down to see how far Thomas has climbed. It was stupid of us to climb so high, but it was the only way to calm both of our fears, we found the tallest tree and went up almost double our normal height. It is always easier to climb up than it is to climb down, I guess we were both trying to be that balloon and soar in the clouds.

'Come on, come on, Tommy, go a little bit faster.'

The movement has stopped but they are much closer than what I would like to. He is almost to the base, and until he is on the ground I cannot make my way down. He looks up at me and our eyes connect, I mouth the words it will be okay and he just looks back down at the tree and finally moves just a little bit quicker than usual. It takes only a couple of more minutes before I hear a soft thud on the ground. It is then that I hear the bird call and un-notch the arrow. Slinging my bow on my shoulder I look down, and point towards the location of the movement. Thomas notches an arrow and then whistles again.

I make my way down, making sure that my footing is secure and that my hands although almost frozen I make sure to hold surely on the bark before moving down. I have to stop half way down and look down to see that Thomas had already moved a little bit towards the East. I try and turn my head to see where the general area of the movement but can't without letting go. At this height I don't trust my hands to hold the weight of my body. If I were to fall, it is a good fifteen to twenty feet onto the hard ground. I lift my long sleeve covering my palm, as I smack the feeling back into my palms, and then as the blood begins to rush through my hands I try to speed up my climb down. The tips of the boots and the inner side have these small teeth-like materials that were made for both hiking rough terrain and climbing trees.

I hear the bird call twice and know that someone is coming. I look down and see that I am about ten feet up. If I don't risk it, I will be caught here on the tree and Thomas will not leave me. I close my eyes and say a very small prayer as I let go of the tree and await the impact of the hard floor.

It is only half of a second that I am in free fall before my feet hit the ground hard. I let gravity take over and roll to absorb the impact. I feel Thomas's hand on my arm and look up to him. His eyes focused on something in the rear. I slide off my bow and notch an arrow, turning to face the same location that Thomas is looking.

I can see what he is focused on. A flashlight bouncing up and down. Someone is coming.

"East towards the river," I say. "Go quiet, but go fast."

He taps on my shoulder in acknowledgment, as I draw my arrow and begin to move back. I turn only to see that Thomas is already moving quietly through the trees, hardly moving a single branch. It is moving with the way the path moves, or 'moving like the wind.'

It was one of our games. Well we thought it was a game, come to find out now that it was just a training exercise. It was all a training exercise, for this moment. I can see him moving, but hard to follow because he hardly ever makes a noise. I can hear him whistle and know where he is going. We are both heading for the river. The one that we found on the way to camp, the one where we filled our canteens and cleaned up.

Once there I see that Thomas is already trying to think of a way over the river.

"It is going too fast," he says. "Lil, what…"

"Only one thing to do," I say looking at him.

He raises his bow, which of course causes me to swirl around. I see the man breaking from the woods. I turn around and push Thomas into the river, not giving him the opportunity to do anything that he might regret. It is only moments, probably a second, when I see him fall into the water, that I hear a bang. I turn and the arrow flies without looking. The last thing I remember as I am falling back into the water is the arrow piercing the person's leg. The water consumes me as all I see now is the water and the roar of the waves.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four

Katniss

I run the scenarios in my head. There are four guards, two in front of us, one at the far end of the car and the other at the exit where everyone had just departed. Booth had left us for his evening 'tea.' Pretentious bastard, I wish I could jam a butter knife up his nose, or at least somewhere unpleasant. With my luck he would probably like it and would smile his idiotic smile at me. I wonder what would cause him to ache in pain. Enough day dreaming, I think to myself. The guard in front of me I can see the knife is on his left although he favors his right when he moves, almost as if he has it on the wrong side. I could bump him grabbing his knife and probably get the two guards, but what about the far ones. At least one of them would be able to sound any sort of alarm. I could throw my knife at the one at the far side, Peeta would have to get the one at the exit.

I look over to him. His eyes already attentive at something. The way he looks, I know he is formulating some sort of plan himself. The scruffy beard had already started coming in. The way his gold little hairs prick my face, it is no wonder that he likes it, I am guessing it is just plain laziness on his part. Who could blame him, I wish I could be right now at home nestled by a warm fire with Peeta and the kids. The thought of them, the way their hands feel in mines, so small and so fragile, seems to begin to disappears, and this frightens me. His eyes meet mine and I try to point at the knife. He gets my intention the moment I look towards the guards at the far side. He nods in agreement and it is only a couple of seconds before I see him move.

The reaction is quick and without any mistakes. I reach and grab the knife from the sheath. The guard makes for his gun but already the knife has been jammed in his ribs causing him to fall to the ground. I toss the knife, and can see if flying towards the guard who is already trying to radio for backup. The knife plunges into the leg of the guard who tries to quickly pull it out. I run over to him and remove the walkie from his hand. He tries to take out the gun, and as I hit him over and over in the jaw he finally lets go of the gun.

It is the one thing that I hate about myself. It is the fact that I wouldn't have thought twice on doing this. It is as if the training in District Thirteen, never goes away. It becomes a reaction, becomes something as common as breathing. The thing is that innocence that we all once had was taken the moment Prim's name was called in the Square all those years ago.

I turn around and see that Peeta has disabled the guards. He turns around at me, his face all covered with blood. It was the last thing that I wanted. I never wanted him to have to do this again. A tear begins to weld up, the emotions of seeing him having to do this all over. He wipes it off with his shirt, dropping to a knee and removing the gun.

"Are you okay?" he says to me.

I nod, and pick up the knife that is now in the guards lifeless hands. I wipe the blade with my pant leg and taking the gun, I remove the clip and see that there are blanks.

"Blanks," I say confused.

He looks up at the comment and he expects the clip in his newly acquired gun.

"Same here," he says.

It is then that we both hear someone clapping. The door opens and we see Booth walking back into the dining car. The expression on his face is one of gladness. He looks over to the guard nearest to him.

"Didn't think you two had it in you," he says. "I was debating on either four or six guards. I knew if I had left less than four, you would become suspicious. So I knew that I had to anticipate that. There is something that you need to work on. It is the ability to…follow." Bang, a shot to the head of the guard who was trying to get up. "Through." Bang another shot to the other guard, who quickly collapses dead.

He walks over to me and grabbing the gun out of my hand, I wish I could just grab my knife and plunge it into his heart. It is quick as I feel the ground below me give way. The thud is hard and painful, and I can see that he had swept my feet from under me. His boot presses hard into my chest.

"Stay down," he says to me and points the gun towards Peeta. "You want to do something, now is the time to do it. But what you might be thinking. You could try to shoot me with the blanks in the gun, or even throw the knife. The thing is that you might miss or you might not. A bullet does travel faster than a knife, or at least I think it does. Would you like to find out?"

The implication, that he would shoot him is enough to bring my eyes to meet his. I mouth the word "no" and he relents and drops the knife and gun on the ground.

"Now that is a good boy," he says as other guards come into the train car. They let Booth know that their transportation has arrived and that word from the recon team says that there were complications with the targets. My mind races as I think of the words targets. Who are the targets and what happened.

"What sort of complications," Booth says keeping the boot squarely pressured on my chest. I slip my hand from on his boot, to my knife that is tucked into my pant. I know that if this was Peeta, he would show some sort of control, but the thought the very idea of my children being hunted, and I cannot control myself. I can feel the cold steel on my fingertips as they inch towards the grip. I make the smallest movement in order to move the knife from the concealed sheath. I don't have the strength to look over to Peeta. I am sure that he would think this is a bad idea, just like that day in the arena and I was going to go for the bow. This time I can't think of him, but think of them, being pursued for no reason other than they are related to us. With a swift plunge, the knife goes into his calf.

The pain is immediate and the reaction swift. Booth screams in pain and lifts his boot from my chest. I scramble backwards toward Peeta, who is already lifting me up. The eyes of hatred are turned towards me as Booth looks down at the knife. He lifts his gun to me, and I think that this is it.

"You said you wanted to say hello to the girl on fire," I say defiantly. "Well hello a pleasure to meet you."

He pulls out the knife and ripping the bottom part of the shirt he motions the guard to tie the piece of cloth around his leg to prevent him from bleeding out. The gun still pointed in our vicinity, he looks down to see finished result. He does something that I of course do not expect. Well not anything that I would do of course. He actually lowers his gun and very calmly holsters his gun.

"Are you okay, commander," the guard pushing a chair for him to sit.

"I have just been knifed, what the hell kind of question is that," he says. "Now finish the damn report before I bleed to death."

He leans in and whispers something handing him something that I can barely see. It is shiny and silver and they make the point to keep it hidden from our view. The guard then make some sort of assurances that they did all they could. Booth finally waves them away from him, telling them to make final preparations for departure. He looks at me with those cold dead eyes, and all I can do is look right back at him. The staring contest lasts for a couple of minutes before Booth finally breathes and I can see his tense body finally relax.

"Like mother, like daughter," he says taking out the item in his hand. It is a piece of an arrow, a silver arrow. My heart nearly drops, I turn my head to Peeta. He knows just as I do that the arrow is from Lilly's bow that we gave her. It would have been her to shoot an arrow. "Seems she left something in one of my people. Well before they shot her and her little brother. I would have wanted to keep them alive you see, but well…complications."

He makes an effort to stand and then throws the piece of silver shaft in front of us.

"Something to morn them by," he says. "But don't worry you will be with them shortly."

Lillian

The images of my parents laughing and smiling is the only thing that I can think of. It is something that I had heard from my friends back in school, that when you are finally dying that your whole life flashes before your eyes. I of course didn't believe them. Why would anyone remember things that they did in the past. Seems like a cruel joke at the end, to be shown everything that you did only to be told that you can't live anymore.

The way my lungs feel gasping for air, I know that I am not dead, at least not yet. Hold on. I keep telling myself to hold onto everything that I have been fighting for, hold onto the bow in my hand and breath when I feel I can. I move my arms and my hands trying to reach for something, anything to hold onto. All I feel is water, all I see is the blurriness of everything just jumbled up. I don't know how long I am in the water, but I do feel someone finally grab me and pull at me. Coughing up the water from the river I feel some pulling and pulling until finally collapsing on the shore.

"Are…you…okay?" I hear Thomas say in-between breathes.

Everything hurts, even my eyes feel like they have been strained beyond normal use. I try to lift up my hand and feel the weight of gravity take it right back down. I don't know what to do, so I roll to my back. My chin rests on some sort of ground and as I try to focus my eyes I can see that he is okay.

"Yeah," I say finally. "I am okay."

He starts to stand and then lets out a frustrated yell.

"Then why the hell did you push me," he says throwing the sand in his hand. "I had him in my sights."

He doesn't know, and neither do I, what would happen if either of us took a life. He wasn't aiming to injure, he was aiming to kill. I know that Papa told us to survive, but never like this, I can see how much it hurts him and how much Mama had to suffer through the nightmares. I wish I could only tell him that it was because I love him that I don't ever want him to lose that innocence.

"I didn't," I say. "I am sorry, but I tripped and pushed you by mistake."

He looks at me trying to make out whether I am lying or not. Of course I have gotten a lot better at hiding my emotions, which is the tell-tale sign of a liar. It is an innocent lie though, it is only meant to spare him. I will however tell him that it is not a good idea to kill anyone, even the ones who hurt us. I stick out my hand and wait there for him to help me up. He looks at it and finally walks over to me and helps me up.

"Okay," he says. "But don't think that I believe that load of crap. I know why you did it, and I know that Papa wouldn't want us to ever cross that line."

I rustle his hair.

"You are certainly growing up," I say with a smile. We have both had to grow up. It wasn't our parents fault after all. I had always knew that all those games, all those exercises that we did was never to keep us entertained, it was to keep us ready. I just wished that I had known the reason why they were doing it. All I ever got from grandma was that they knew what they were doing. Delly gave us absolutely nothing, even that day in the Bakery, when Thomas asked her point blank about the war, she would always avoid it, and change the subject. We even tried to threaten to ask Haymitch, who of course would never not lie to us, he was the only one who told us that Papa was sick and that everyone was pretending that he was okay when he really wasn't.

I try to put pressure on my leg and can't. The pain shoots up my spine like electricity. I fall immediately to my knees. The pain is excruciating and I know that something is wrong. Thomas grabs me by the arms and looks at me trying to figure out what is wrong.

"I don't know" I say. "I can't put pressure on my right leg."

My hand moves gingerly to my thigh and I can feel the throbbing pain. Thomas kneels next to me and inspects the area that I am holding. He takes out his knife and I freeze.

"I have to see," he says looking up at me. "Stand still."

I obey and he cuts away a small portion of my pants. After a couple of minutes he stands up and puts his shoulder in so that I can lean on him.

"We have to get you to a dry place," he says. "Lean all the way into me, don't put any pressure on it."

The way he doesn't tell me what is wrong, and I know that it is serious enough for him to go into what we have called grandma mode. I don't argue with him, because well I am in too much pain and getting out of this exposed area would be the best thing.

"Rocks," I grunt out looking at the soft soil below my feet and the cool humid air.

He stops and looks at me.

"What?" He says confused.

"Walk on the rocks," I say pointing down with my bow. "No tracks."

It is the last thing that we need. Making it all the way to who knows where and then be tracked by the people who are trying to kill us.

"Don't worry about that," he says. "I will come back and clean up. We have to get you somewhere safe."

He moves with purpose and although we move very slowly, we finally make it to a very dense area of the forest. We both can see hear something nearby. It doesn't sound like nature but something more man-made. He helps me down and tells me that he is going to get the equipment he left on the shoreline and clean up the tracks. He looks around to pick up some brush that has fallen off. I lean back on the trunk on the tree and looking down to my thigh and the rip area, I see the small black dot with blood coming out of it.

I knock my head back.

'Stupid, stupid, if I had not fired the arrow then I could have had enough time to get into the water before he fired his gun.'

Closing my eyes for a little bit, I start to think about what is going to happen to us. Where we are has to be somewhere near a District, but which one. Will the people who are chasing us follow us all the way down here?

I feel Thomas shaking me. Opening my eyes I have seen that he has already begun a fire and is handing me his canteen of water. My feet are cold, which is another thing that bothers me.

"Drink it, you need to keep hydrated," he says.

Drinking a couple of gulps of water it feel cool as it works its way down my throat. The smoke catches my attention.

"Thomas," I say feeling a little bit weak.

He looks up after putting some more branches on the already hot fire.

"No fire," I say.

"No choice," he says walking over to me. He kneels next to me placing the canteen back on the ground. He inspects my thigh again. "I am sure you already saw that you have a gunshot wound? I have to sterilize everything, don't want you to get an infection."

"It is too dangerous, we would have to be fast," I say. "They can be coming any moment."

He looks around and then lets me know that he set up some fake sites to keep them busy.

"How long have I been out?" I say surprised that he had the time to do all this. The last thing that I remember is seeing him walking back to the river. I was drenched to the bone and now my jacket is missing and my boots have been placed on the fire.

"A couple of hours," he says. "Had to get your outer clothes off to dry."

He hands me my jacket that is nice and warm now. He turns around and tells me that he would need me to take off the inner shirt at least in order to get it dried. I quickly take off the shirt and put on the jacket, zipping it all the way up. I hand it to his open hand and when it is in his hand he opens his eyes.

"Thanks," I say feeling a little bit better. My brother was always better at this than me. He was always learning the healer part of everything, which plants work for this and what to do when that happens. I could never quite understand it but knew the basics.

"You will not be thanking me in a little bit," he says ringing out the shirt. "I checked and there is no exit wound. We are going to have to umm...you know…and it is going to hurt. You want to do that now or later?"

"Lets get it over with," I say.

He hands me his belt telling me to bite down on it to muffle the noise. There are times that I wish I didn't have to experience. This is one of those. Just like in the river, the thought of dying is nothing compared to the thought of being tortured. Mama told me that Papa had to endure it for months, pain that even to do this, he hasn't fully shared with her. I close my eyes when I see him lift up his knife that has been cleaned by the fire. I bite down hard on the leather belt wishing that it would last only a couple of seconds.

Sometimes wishing for something doesn't really happen. The last thing that I remember is the blade cutting into my thigh.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Four

Peeta

It took hours and saying it over and over to finally convince her that they were still alive. It took me a lot longer to finally convince myself that they were safe. The thing is that when you love someone so much, you don't know what you would without them. The only thing that finally convinced her was the fact that Lilly would have never allowed herself to not protect her brother.

"She takes after you," I tell her. "Both of them take after you."

"How can you be so sure," she says to me.

I pause and listen to her voice. I know the answer and I know that there are things in my past that I have kept. It wasn't because I didn't want her to know, she knows the deepest darkest things that I have felt or done. She even knows the secret thoughts that I wish I had never thought of. The real reason why I haven't shared most of my experience when I was tortured in the Capitol was because I didn't want it to be real in the first place. Hearing her know, I can't see any other way than to finally let her know, how I can be so sure.

"It was probably the third or fourth day," I start. "Honestly till this day I don't know when a day started or ended back then. They had done so many things, they have tried so many different ways for me to crack."

The memory of it, is still so fresh, I can smell it.

"They brought a body," I say stopping. "Looked exactly…down to the smallest details. They kept it in a room and only let me look at it from behind glass. At first I thought it must have been a trick, that you truly wasn't dead. It was enough to break me, I thought that I had lost you. There was something that I couldn't shake, a feeling in the pit of my stomach. At first when they told me that you had died on the failed escape from the arena, that you were shot down from the sky. There was a feeling of guilt, and that is what I thought was the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I must cried for hours for the girl that I loved for so long."

I pause and remember where we are. The cold metal walls feel as if they are coming closer and close. It reminds me of the same hovercraft that took us after the arena exploded. It is surely to break me. Just like that night when they took Johanna with us, I can't see her but I can hear her. At this time I don't hear her, there is only silence, there isn't anything that I can make out but her breathing.

We were taken at gun point off the train to an awaiting hovercraft. The whole time seeing her walking I can see that she was beginning to believe that her children, were gone.

"Something didn't feel right," I say. "It was an exact copy of you, but it just didn't feel right. You know that feeling when you know something is off?"

Only silence.

"Katniss," I say. "You there?"

"Yeah," she says.

"Do you feel it?" I ask. "That feeling?"

It is the only reason why I haven't fallen apart right now. I can feel her, that she and Thomas are still alive. I can still feel them, and I have to trust that feeling, that thought that we will see each other again. There are no windows in the hovercraft, so this time around, I can't see where we are going.

"Just barely," she says. Those words are all I need to know that something inside of her believes my words, that our children are not dead, even if they tell us, even if they show video, there is that small doubt, that I call hope that will never let me stop until I see them again.

"Then hold onto it," I say. "That is all you need."

My hands go to the metal divider that separates us. I can still feel her, but it feels different. I wish I could hold her, and feel her in my arms. The thought of her suffering had always been something that I cannot withstand. To the girl that I feel in love go through more lost, it pained me when we lost her sister. It nearly destroyed her, and kept her prisoner for years, wondering if it was her who killed her. Back then it took everything, to bring her back, but she never gave up, even when it felt the loneliest moment of her life, I could always tell that she never gave up.

"You can't give up," I say. "You told me once to fight, to fight for the family that we have."

"But what if," she starts. The sound of the her voice unsure, and trembling. I can't fall apart, not now, not when she needs me. If I have to, I will be the strong one now, and she can rest on me. It is the last thing that they can never take from us, they can't take our will.

"Then fight for me," I say. "You let me fight for our children."

The hovercraft moves from side to side, and the rough winds gives me a reason to doubt that we are landing anywhere that we have been before, that or the pilot really needs to learn how to fly. The rough landing causes me to slip and slide from one side of the cell to another. I can hear the thump of the rough ground and think of the knife in the back of my pants. I quickly grab it and slide it into my boot, knowing full well that they will search us first, because they haven't yet.

The clicks sound in front of me and I know that we are going to welcomed the same way I was welcomed in the Detention Center. The door opens and I see the guards already pointing the guns at us.

"Hands," one yells at me. I look to the side and see her coming out of the cell. I reach out and she looks at me, grasping my hand. I mouth the words, that we will be okay, that they are alive. She smiles and nods at me, understanding that it is what I believe to be the truth.

"Hands up," the guard yells again. "I will not tell you again. You have five seconds."

We both look at them and with defiance in our faces we do not separate. The grip gets tighter and it reminds me of our defiance of the Capitol.

"Stop, stop stop," I hear Booth call out. "Lower your weapons. We are not barbarians."

The guards look around confused on which orders to follow. He again orders the guards to lower their weapons, which at the end they do, but after looking around to see what the other would do, you can tell that although Booth is the one in charge he is definitely not following any rule book that everyone knows.

He tries to walk over to us. The limp in his leg and I remember where the knife was driven in by Katniss. Someone walks up to Booth and hands him what I believe is a cane. He looks at it, examining it for a little bit. This gives me enough time to look around. The landing pad for the hovercraft is small, and the trees that surround it, is so tall that I think that is why the pilot was having difficulty landing.

I can't see anything else but a house in front of us. It is an odd place to put a military base, but then again, this is probably part of no military, part of no rebellion, probably just this one crazy person's desire to make my family suffer. Two of the more formal attendants come up to us and in the same Capitol fashion actually escorts us through the many many guards. The house is a large estate all glass rooms with large overhang concrete floors. The style is very modern and you can tell that he is very proud of this house.

'Could it be his house?'

We walk inside the house and immediately see the other attendants working hard in preparation of something. Booth in front of us stops and turns around.

"The two attendants will take you upstairs to your rooms to prepare," he says. Coming over and clipping on a gold like bracelet on both of us. He then instructs the attendants to remove the jackets. We both look at them as the walk over and with a special transmitter turn off the red light on the vest. They unclip the vest and slide it off us.

"Upstairs the attendants will assist you in drawing a bath and laying out your clothes for the event," he says turning around and beginning to walk up the nearby stairs. He pauses and without turning around he says in a loud voice. "If you are thinking of declining my offer because of the change in wardrobe, those lovely bracelets has inside a liquid that can easily kill either one of you. And yes it does have a transmitter in them."

He disappears and the attendants which do not speak motion for us to follow them. They are probably Avoxes, unable to speak. The practice was abolished back when then President Paylor first came into office. We follow them up the stairs still hand in hand, until we are moved into a room. Outside the room is stationed a guard and we walk inside we see the view from the second story room. In the distance you can see the Spires of the District One, and realize that we are in the worst possible place imaginable.

One of the Avoxes walks Katniss over to the clothing rack and hands her the dress. The other Avox hands me the suit. It seems that we are going to a party.

Thomas

She shivers in the cold, stubborn as a mule. My mother always told me that my father could be stubborn but no one is more stubborn than my sister. It isn't an hour after I was able to remove the bullet that she wants to move camp. At one point I wanted to knock her out just to get her to stop moving. Of course that wouldn't help me one bit when she wakes up and is geared towards getting me back. She is always trying to protect me, always being the big sister. She doesn't believe that I can take care of myself, that although I am only fourteen, I took the same survival classes she did, and we both passed. I hope I did it right.

Grandmas teaching on how to cauterize a wound was so long ago, that it took me a while to remember just how hot it needed to be in order to make sure that the wound wouldn't get infected. The screams didn't help, not to mention all that swearing. I tell you if mama was here she would have gotten a good talking to about that. It must be painful, to have yourself purposely burned. Touching her on her forehead, there is no fever, which is a good thing, because she isn't going into shock, yet.

"It isn't working, the pressure isn't stopping the bleeding. We have to seal it. I will be quick about it," I say to her. She looks at me wishing that I didn't have to do at all. She grips her hands into fists, her eyes closed and her teeth on the leather belt. I can see her bracing for the pain.

The small first aid kit that I had in my backpack I always carried. It had basic things, like forceps, small bottle of alcohol, a scalpel, a needle and thread. I rip off a piece of my shirt and soaking it in alcohol, I tell her to hold it to the wound. She lets out a yelp of pain as the alcohol stings the bullet wound. After a couple of seconds, she removes it and I see that the wound has been cleaned as best as we can. I give her one of my clean socks.

"I will do it quick," I say. "When I tell you, pull away the sock, okay?"

It took me a couple of tries outside, to calm my nerves enough to use it. Nodding at her, she removed it and when I placed the tip on the wound, I could hear the sizzle of the skin. I live it on, for two seconds and after removing it, I look to see that the bleeding that wouldn't stop, had now become almost non-existent.

"You still with me," I say looking at her with eyes closed. She looks at me and nods. I let out the breath that I had been holding in, since I saw the wound. "Going to clean it one more time with alcohol to make sure that you don't get an infection. Once I am done cleaning it, I will wrap it, and you will have to stay put until tomorrow."

As soon as the word tomorrow left my mouth, I wish I could have stopped it. Her eyes widen so big that it is as if I told her the worst news possible, even worst if I had told her that she was shot. No wait, I did tell her, and this news is worse than that.

"Tomorrow?" She says dropping the belt. "We can't."

She tries to stand up, but of course can't. After a couple of tries, I stand up and look at her. The way she struggles to stand. The things that she says, that people are after us.

"Why are you so stubborn," I say. "Do you think that I am stupid, of course I know that people are after us and no I don't think this is a game. I will stay watch. You need to sleep, you just got shot and I had to put a blazing hot knife to you wound. What the hell, do you think you are some robot? You won't be able to make twenty feet without collapsing."

"You don't understand," she starts.

"I understand plenty," I say angrily. "You may think that I am kid, but I know how to take care of myself. You need to stop treating me like an invalid that can't do anything. I know how to stand watch, and just in case of anything I will wake you up, okay. Please, Lil, I need you to trust me on this."

"Okay," she finally tells me. "You wake me if you get tired."

I nod and finally although she was fighting a losing battle, she closed her eyes and then drifted off into sleep. Every so often I would make sure that she was breathing, making sure that she wasn't running a fever. The night came and went, and nothing, only the sounds of the night crickets. It was only when the sun started to peek out that it started to rain, the small drizzle of the rain started a good distance from us. I looked up and saw that the tree that we camped under should provide us with at least some sort of cover. Her eyes opened before I could ever wake her.

"It is morning?" she says.

"Yep," I say. "You know what? You snore."

She smiles and sticks out her tongue at me. Looking down she sees the coat over her, and grabbing it tosses it to me. I grab it and put it back on. Picking up the contraption I spent hours making last night I hand it to her. She looks at it, and in her hands she thinks that it is a weapon, and probably it is, but when I made it, it was supposed to be a crutch.

"It is a crutch," I say. "You can think it is a weapon all you want, but as you said, we need to get moving, and this should help you be just a little bit more mobile. Although you probably won't be any quieter than Papa."

She lets out a laugh at the thought. Anyone can be quieter than Papa. He is a good hunter, don't get me wrong, but not like Mama, or Lily. Just to make him feel better, I make just a little bit more noise than usual. I hand her a fish that I caught earlier this morning.

"Don't worry, I didn't start a new fire," I say. "I used the hot wood before it started raining."

Helping her to her feet, she places the crutch under her armpit to steady her. The grimace on her face and I know that the bullet wound is still too much to bare. I put her pack on me and grab her bow and arrows.

"Come on," I say hooking my arm around her. "Let's get moving. I think that the District border is about a mile in that direction. I tried to scout ahead but didn't want to leave you alone for more than a couple of minutes."

We walk slowly, through the woods, not caring about the trail that we are leaving. Although Lilly kept on looking back to make sure that we were not being followed. We had to stop a couple of times for her to catch her breath which of course she denied and said that it was to make sure that we were not being followed. I tell you, my family sometimes have so much pride in showing their strength. Well wait, that isn't true, the women in our family is what I meant. My father would just have told them that he was tired and that he needed to take a breather. One of the things that I miss right now, the way he could make us feel all safe, even though we know the truth is far from it.

After a while, and a lot of walking and stopping, we make it to the edge of the forest and looking at the nearby District, I wonder which one it is. The fence just says 'caution electrical fence' like it does for all of them, heck even ours still have it. I wonder if any of the other Districts actually turn on their fences. Nowadays there isn't really any need for it, as game doesn't go into the Districts, and the Capitol is not keeping people from leaving. It is safer though to stay inside the District. I wonder for us though, is it safer here in the woods than to walk into the District.

"You ready?" I say looking at her.

"Not really," she response. "But what choice do we have."

Stopping at the fence, we place our ears near the wire and find it to be dead silent. She reaches first and as the tip of her fingers touch the metal wiring, she looks at me and goes under the wire. I follow her and as we walk, we see that the area that we cross into the District is abandoned buildings. It would work well for hiding out, but we need to get a message out to people back home.

"Lil," I say starting to unstring the bow. "We need to not draw attention."

She nods and hands me the bow, as she is still struggling to even walk properly. It will be a little bit more difficult if they see her with a bullet wound. Will have to get some clothes for her.

"Going to go into the market and get some clothes for us to change in," I say. "We can't have you going around with a ripped pant with a bullet wound."

Leaving her in the nearby abandon warehouse, I hand her my backpack. She tells me that I have to be careful, and of course I tell her that I will be back in a couple of minutes. She is always trying to take care of me, but now from what I can see, she is trying to let me do things on my own.

I walk through the empty streets until for the first time, I find someone walking towards what I can see is the District's Justice Building. I put my head down and follow from a distance, trying to make sure that he doesn't really see that I am following. Once we pass a couple of street, I can see the people start to become more and more visible.

'Great, I am getting closer to a more dense population.'

I slow down and seeing the closet clothing store. I walk towards the door and see a couple of Peace keepers walking down the street, probably on patrol. I duck into the nearby alley and wait for them to pass. The only thing that I know are the stories that my parents told me, and if the Peace keepers were bad back then, then they are not to be trusted.

I wait there for a moment until I see them pass by. After a couple of seconds I walk back into the street and then into the store. Looking around there are a couple of people in the store. I grab the first shirt and jeans that I could find that fit me. Walking over to the smaller sizes I grab another shirt and jeans for Lil. As I make it to the counter, I grab two caps and then place all the items on the counter. The gentleman was folding some clothes and as he looks up, I smile.

"Good morning, sir," I say.

"Good morning young man," he says. "How are we today?"

"It is a beautiful day, don't you think?" I say trying to sound as if I am visiting the District.

"First time in our District," he says. "You don't look like you are from around here."

He starts to ring up the purchases. Behind him I see a television playing a news cast. It is on mute and I can see that the gentleman is waiting for an explanation of who I am.

"Well my family came to for a visit, and…excuse but what happened?" I say pointing towards the television.

He looks back and sees the news cast and shakes his head.

"Shame," he says. "All those people. They are saying it was some sort of train derailment. Everyone on the train died when it caught on fire. From what they can tell, a train from District Four was riding back, and took the curve too fast and derailed. The whole thing burst into flames. Brings back too many bad memories over here."

He places the clothing into the bag. I hand him the money that he asks.

"I am sorry but what memories, where you referring to," I say wondering.

"Oh I am sorry," he says. "You must be too young to remember the Great War. You looked older than what I figured."

"That is okay," I say smiling. It is the first time someone didn't think I was kid. That at the very least I was Lilly age, or probably older.

"There was a dam that the rebels destroyed back in the Great War, flooded the old school district up by Pine," he says. "Lots of people died that day. Death always brings back the memories of the War."

"I am sorry to hear that," I say waving as if I am leaving. As I am walking towards the door, I turn around and ask where the nearest phone would be.

"Hmm," he says thinking. "I think there might be one in the Institute."

A smile creeps up my face as I realize that there are some things that never change. They have an Institute here and I guess that is the next place we have to go.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six

Katniss

Always hated parties. Well with the exception of the one my father use to throw me and my teddy bear when I was four. Sometimes when he had saved his pennies here and there, he would get me candy from Mr. Jenkins. It was after all the most expensive thing that we had in District Twelve. Well probably not the most expensive but probably the most unnecessary. He never saw it like that, he always made it a special occasion. We would make the whole day a special occasion. The little things that make us smile.

His hand in mines brings me back to reality. It is funny but I have been thinking a lot about of my father. I have tried for so long to think about other things, to think about other people, and now for some reason, I have been thinking about him, like he knew that I would need him. He looks at me, and then realizes that we will have to do what this mad man wants. His finger gently rubs my palm. Ever since he did it in the Reaping that day, I think that was the day that he made up his mind to keep me safe.

"You okay," he asks forgetting about the Avoxes in the room. The room is no more private if we were in a crowd of people. The Avoxes who knows if they are loyal or being controlled by Booth. I nod but offer no words to him. My eyes look around and see that not only would we have to contest with the Avoxes, but more than likely some sort of listening devices in the room. Peeta must understand my apprehension so he just embraces me.

"I understand," he whispers before separating. "Let's get ready for the party I guess."

He walks over to the shower and actually goes into it closing the door. I hear the water begin to fall and as I walk towards the bed, I sit down on the edge. The very last thing that I want to do is to go to some party. It seems that it is one of the things that Booth has engineered. From my understanding on the plan, he is expecting me to kill the President of Panem. My hands start to shake and I know that if I don't do it, Peeta will die.

It is always a decision. It is always the decision. It is as if we will always be back in the arena and those berries will always be in our hands. I rub them over and over, trying to steady my nerves. It was the same feeling that I had back when I was given a bow and a single arrow. I wonder if I had made a different choice back then, would things have ended differently?

The mere thought of the Games continuing as a punishment for the children of the Capitol citizens, continue to turn my stomach in disgusts. What choice did I have truly? Did I even have one? Both of them evil in their own respect. President Coin would have never let the Victors live, even if I did kill Snow. She had always seen me and the others as potential enemies. Why else would she had sent all of the Victors into the Capitol, under the false pretense of trying to overtake and eliminate Snow. She knew even back then that we would probably fail, and that we would be all killed. She counted on it, even by sending Peeta back in his condition, to make sure of it. She was never counting on the one thing that I had always known.

Looking up I see him there looking at me with a smile.

"You will always love me," I ask.

His smile goes from wide to a confused look.

"As long as my heart beats, and even after it stops," he says kneeling in front of me.

My hand reaches up to her cheek and he just kisses it. It is the only small moments that we have together now. I wonder if he would still feel the same when the President is no longer living and I am the cause of it. He stands grabbing my hand helping me to my feet. The way he looks at me, like I am the only one in the whole world. Everything could be collapsing around us, the world could be ending, and the way he looks at me, those deep eyes, just keep me steady, as if he is holding me up.

He leads me a couple of steps to the shower and then finally lets go of my hand. I walk or I think I am walking towards the bathroom. Turning around right as I get to the door, he just smiles and there standing in a towel, the scars seem less, as if they are finally fading. The bullet wounds are finally starting to fade and now all I see is the man that was once a boy, loving me when I thought no one would.

The hot mist in the bathroom as I close the door it is there that I see it. On the mirror of the bathroom, many many many dots all over. I can help but smile and let out a small laugh. He remember the story of my father doing that for my mother and I love him for the fact that he is trying to do the same thing. He will always love me. The smallest details that no one else would get but us. My hand goes up to clean off the dots, but that is when I realize it. 'No one would get but us…our own secret language.'

'. ... -.-. .- .-. .'

Could it be? I try to remember. It was so long ago that we learned this, and it would be amazing in itself that Peeta would even remember this much of it.

E…S…C…A…P…E.

It is the word escape in an old code that District Thirteen used and taught us. It was a code if we were ever to be caught or needed to get a message through. No one in the Capitol would know what it meant, the randomness of the taps, or even of the points here in the bathroom window.

I try to decipher the new line.

'.-. .- .-. - -.-'

P…A…R…T…Y.

'... .. -. -.'

S…I…G…N.

I undress and pretend as it is nothing important. My palm erases the evidence and all I can think of is what Peeta was telling me. It is the plan that we haven't been able to say, the way out. An escape at the party, and probably a distraction or a sign, I don't know which one. Quickly taking a shower, I walk out and see that Peeta is already in his suit looking at himself in the mirror.

"Have a good bath?" He asks.

"Very," I say. "It was nice and warm in there, haven't had a warm shower since we left District Four. Although it would have been nice of you to clean off the bathroom window instead of leaving it there all fogged up."

He stops and looks back at me. He knows exactly what I am referring to, and that I found out the note from him. He smiles and turns still fidgeting with his bow tie. I walk over to him and when I stand right behind him and slip my hands behind him. He turns around and looks at me.

"I could never get this thing," he says.

I smile and make the knot needed. One of the many trainings that I got from Effie Trinket during my time as a Tribute. Looking at him now, he looks so elegant there in a black suit with shiny black shoes. After a couple of seconds he blushes.

"What?" he says.

"Nothing," I say. "Just that you should wear more of these type of clothes."

He smiles.

"Well I think your look is much better than me," he says. "The towel look always did bring a smile to my face."

I let out a surprise shock sound and he just smiles at me.

"Well turn around," I say making the circle motion. "I have to change and it wouldn't be proper for you to watch me."

I pick up my dress that is still in the shield packaging and wait for him to turn around. He folds his arms and continues to look at me. After sticking out my tongue I turn and walk towards the bathroom. Closing the door behind me I place the dress on the nearby hook and unzip the bag. Staring at me though is something that I was not expecting, I could recognize it anywhere. It is a rare design, and slipping my hand around the fabric, I know immediately that it is not an imitation, but a true genuine.

It was one of Cinna designs, that didn't make the final selection. It was one of the finalist dresses of the wedding that costs Cinna his life. I don't know how Booth did it, how he stole it, but this is something that no one has seen for years. I can't help it, the desire to touch something of an old friend, imagine how many hours he spent designing and constructing it.

The only thing that I can do is just stand there looking at it, as a tear rolls down my cheek.

Lillian

Sitting in the abandon warehouse I wonder how long has it been since they used it. I position myself as far from view of a window but near a wall that had been eaten away. It allows me to be able to see if anyone was coming, but give me enough time to hide. I think about the dangers that Thomas must be facing, trying to explain his dirty clothes and the fact that honestly we don't look like the people here. I know that we have been taught to make up stories, but this one is different. Would he be distracted would they have caught him. The Peace keepers here, we don't know them, and even if we did, we don't know if they are part of the people who is after us. It was after all the same government that at one time thought my mother and father were criminals and terrorists.

I hear footsteps. I move my eyes to the slit in the wall. It isn't I see his familiar walk that I let out a sigh of relief. He didn't have any problems, and for one that is a good thing probably it means that they stopped looking for us.

I let out my bird card and wait for the response.

One...Two...Three... and then finally the bird call. He sure took his sweet time responding. We were taught that if we were in trouble that we wouldn't respond and wait ten seconds before responding. This would let the person who is waiting for the respond to know that we were in trouble and to be ready.

The pieces of wood that we had placed on the entry I can hear being moved.

"Lil," I hear him call out.

"Yeah," I say. "In the back."

He walks towards the back room where I had moved all of our stuff. Pretty sure he will be upset about it, you know me doing anything with a bullet in my thigh. It take me a while of kicking it to the other room. The dirt pattern must have given me away because when he came in, the first thing he tells me was if I had fun kicking everything around?

"Of course," I say. "How else was I suppose to get out how mad I am?"

He hands me the clothes he had bought and turns around while I take off my shirt and slip on the shirt that he bought. Looking down at it, purple? Seriously?

"Purple?" I say. "What they didn't have any pink?"

He lets out a laugh.

"Well it was either that or a pale green," he responds. "You know like vomit."

"Thanks," I say. "Going to need your help on the umm."

He turns around and sees that I am holding the pants. I would of course try to do it myself but the sharp pain every time I try to bend my knee. After a couple times, he finally relents and grabs the nearest chair.

"Here sit down," he says helping me into the chair. After helping me remove the boots, he closes his eyes and tugs at the bottom of the jeans until they are finally out. He then fumbles around with his hand until he grabs the bag. Such a dork, this is my little brother, the shyest boy in the class. He has so many girls after him, and all he can do is just smile and pretend that he doesn't see it.

"You are going to have to open your eyes," I say. "I need help getting them on too."

He finally peeks a little and realizes that I have place my old shirt on my lap covering the area. He puts on my pants through my feet and then helping me little by little, he finally gets it up enough that I can grab the waist of the jean and pull it up.

"So, did you find a place where we can call?" I say.

"The nearest place would be the Institute," he says hesitating. I can tell something is wrong, something is off.

"What happened?" I say.

"Lil," he says lowering his head. "The train."

"What happened?" I say repeating. "Come on Tommy, you are scaring me, what happened with the train?"

"They are all gone," he says. "Every one of them."

"What?" I say confused. "What do you mean everyone? What train?...Our train?"

He nods.

"There was a news cast in the store that I was in," he says. "They said it was a derailment, and everyone died."

"Tommy," I say and wait for him to look up at me but doesn't. "Tommy, look at me."

He doesn't but begins to stand.

"Thomas William Mellark, you look at me when I am talking to you," I say taking a stern voice. This shocks him, and his eyes connect with mines. "He wouldn't break his promise, they wouldn't leave us. Okay?"

He doesn't say anything but helps me up and hands me the crutch. I give it back to him, and tell him that I will try to walk, because it would look bad walking around with a crutch.

"We will just walk slow," I say. "Okay?"

"Lil," he says starting to protest.

"Tommy," I say. "I will not be a cripple."

He finally lifts up his hands in surrender.

"Slow," he says again repeating the words that I said. "We have to take it slow, and if you need to rest you need to tell me okay?"

I nod and we start to walk very slowly towards the Institute. After an hour and many stops along the way, I realize where we are. It seems that we are in District Seven, because of the story of the Dam that broke back in the War. We learned this in school, the history of Panem, the full history of the Wars and the Rebellion.

In the distance I can see the beacon, that lights every Institute. It is the way that in the darkness you can see where to go. It was implemented back about ten years ago, when the Capitol requested a Institute to tie it all. It was said that it was always a District thing, but when the Capitol asked for one, it was a sign that finally everything was coming full circle and that Panem was finally healing. The light was a symbol of healing. I wonder if the people from the train know this.

We walk and stop, walk and stop. I can feel the sweat from my head, the throbbing from my thigh. We changed the bandages before we had left and now that we walk I can feel that soon enough I will have to stop. The good thing about the institute in District Seven was that Institute was in the middle of a garden of trees. Sort of like our garden of remembrance back home, I think they might have gotten the idea from here. Around the institute stands trees that have grown high and strong in a man-made circle.

The doors all made of wood, heavy and known to be made out of the woods surrounding the District. Thomas had to put his back into it a couple of time before it would finally even budge.

"What are you kids doing," I hear someone behind me say.

We turn around and see an older woman with a sleeveless shirt on. She is toned and muscular as if she had been doing physical labor since she was born. In her hand is what seems to be a black axe. Her hair cut very short, the color of brown, like mama's but with a streak of grey mixed in.

"What's it to you," I say. "We are trying to get inside the Institute."

She studies me for a little bit before a smile begins to creep in.

"A girl and a boy," she says. "You inherited your mama's attitude I see."

The way she speaks, it is as if she knows who my mother is. Her face looks familiar but I can't seem to place it anywhere. The way she smiles is unnerving almost as if she wanted to, she could just toss that axe at us.

"Who are..." I hear Thomas start to say.

"Oh I was never really good with manners, or formal introduction," she says taking her axe from her shoulder and into her hand. Thomas begins to move his hand. "Oh I wouldn't do that if I was you. I may not look it, but I can easily take you both down without even breaking a sweat. From the looks of it, I can tell that your sister is hurt, thigh probably. If either of you had a bow in your hands then probably I would think twice, but a knife?"

I look back at Thomas and nod no.

"You better listen to her," she says. "Would be the smartest thing."

"Now who are you tormenting now, Johanna," I hear a male voice call from afar. The voice is familiar.

She smiles and doesn't turn around.

"Just some old friends," she says. "Well not really, but kids of an old friend. Think you might know them too."

"Johanna," I say suddenly realizing who I am talking to.

"Yes," she says. "Johanna Hawthrone, and I think you know my significant other."

She turns and shows me of a man walking up the path with a couple of large birds over his shoulder. The black and gold bow sling over his other shoulder. Just as our eyes meet, he immediately stops and the color just drains from his face. Without any hesitation he drops the birds on the ground and the bow as well.

"Gale," Johnna says. "I think you might know the Mockingjay's children."


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Seven

Katniss

I hear the knocking on the door. After a while, the knocking just seems to be a rhythm that I try to match my heart beat to. It is a soft yellow color, obviously one of the less approved dresses. Cinna knew that it was one of Peeta's favorite colors.

"You okay," I hear from the door.

I focus on the dress and then the door.

"Yes," I say clearing my throat. "I will be right out."

Slipping into it, I don't look in the mirror, I just walk out into the room. Peeta is already there waiting. The look in his eyes and I know that he understand why I took a while to come outside. His hands go from open to a fist in a matter of seconds. I nod my head, and his smile disappears under the sunlight. From the look on the Avoxes faces I am pretty sure that they aren't old enough to know what this dress means.

He hooks his arm and I place it inside. Kissing me on the cheek, his hand becomes my anchor, keeping me from falling. Whatever the game is, it has been tailored to break us, completely. From the ride in the hovercraft cages, to the dress, everything is a mental thing to destroy us from our past.

We are escorted by the Avoxes who take us to the front of the house. There we find Booth in a similar suit. In his hand he has some sort of box. He opens it and inside is a necklace with the largest stones that I have ever since.

"This of course will place the exclamation point on your outfit, Mrs. Mellark," he says handing Peeta the box. "If you would please, I would do it myself but do not want to be stabbed again."

There is click, and I see a guard that is already pointing a gun at us. From what I can guess, the jewelry is not a request but more of an order. I lift up my hair and then Peeta places the necklace on my neck. His warm hands on my neck offers some sort of comfort on the cold stones that look so out of place.

"Hmm," Booth says. "Something is still off."

He claps his hands and their two people show up. These are not Avoxes but actual stylists. They stand next to him, and wait for instructions. This sights brings a revolting feeling in my stomach, the thought that I am in this dress to begin with, and now to see what I make out to be stylists to do something with my look is too much.

"Enough," I say. "I am in a dress that I have no clue on how you got it, and if one of those stylists touch me, I will make absolute certain that they will be sorry and you will answer to me."

The stylists eyes open wide and they both take a step back. We have been pushed and pushed so much that I cannot take one more step.

"Although I believe you," Booth says. "I know that you would never harm another person, especially an innocent one. It is not in your 'good' nature. Probably if you never met the baker's son, probably you could have, but not after knowing him. So please, let them do their job, or they will become, non-important, and well expendable. And I don't know, I am not a clutter type person, I get rid of things that are non-important or expendable."

The stylists look at me, with a deep fear in their eyes. If I don't let them, I am sure that Booth would kill them, without a second thought.

"Okay," I say feeling so dirty because of the manipulation. They walk over to Booth and he tells them to do what he previous instructed to do. Walking over, their steps are silent and very timid. A chair mysteriously appears behind me and they wait there for me to actually sit. I sit down and close my eyes hoping that I don't cry, or flip out and stab one of them. I can feel their hands move my hair here and there, and the twist and turn. It is a couple of minutes before then finally stop. It is then that I hear something so soft so low that I cannot believe it. They both tell me thank you for letting them style my hair.

"There," I hear Booth say in a smug voice. Opening my eyes, I wish I could just, I don't know, nothing is coming. Peeta walks over to me and with a hand he lifts me up and smiles.

"You look beautiful," he says. "You always did."

"Okay," Booth says. "We are on a tight schedule and now with the press release already sent, we are off."

Press release? What does that mean? Peeta moves next to me and walks hand in hand until the front door, which automatically slides open as we approach it. The sunlight floods in and I can see the black cars waiting for us, three in total. The attendant opens the door and we slide into the back of the middle car. Booth slides into the passenger seat.

"Drive," he says once the doors close. The car moves and we are taken down a manicured road. The rocks and trees meticulously shape and cut to the roads twists and turns. Peeta's hand never leaves mine. I can feel his finger tip tapping along my palm. There is no one talking, and yet the only sound I hear is my own heart beat trying to match the tapping on my palm. It is too fast, or it is too slow, the pattern is not uniformed. The pattern.

I pay attention to the pattern.

'.- .-. .' '-.- - ..-' '- -.- .- -.—'

Are…you…okay…

I nod and look at him. He is getting better at it. I massage his hand, and look at him. I myself cannot remember the pattern but I know he knows what I am asking, he nods as well, and I know that he is okay.

We travel until the main road and turning we start to go into the District. My hand tenses at the thought of going into District One, it was the most hostile district of all of Panem, especially for anyone who was part of the rebellion. Even now all these years later, many people stay away from District One, only the people that were originally from the Capitol would move to this District. If they knew that I was going into the District, I don't think that Booth has enough security to protect us and probably that is the game of it all.

The buildings and the houses are so luxurious, all glass and steel, modern homes that have sidewalks and lamp posts. People in this District don't walk, they drive in cars, and if they don't have a car, there is an actual above ground train that takes them from point to point of the District. The only other time that we came into this District was during our Victory Tour and even then it was cut short after all the uprisings in the outer Districts. There are people walking dogs with coats and hats. The weather is rather cool but not enough to wear outer coats.

We turn a couple of streets and then finally come to a private building that is heavily fortified. The walls grow tall and the building is short and with very little windows. We stop right before the building and as the doors open I see the guards all around.

"Are we green," Booth asks the guard as we get out of the car.

"We are operation green," the guard responds. "ETA is currently 45 minutes."

He nods, as the guard hands Booth a earpiece. There are guards that get behind us and in not so nice way move us towards the building. Peeta never lets go of my hand as we walk, constantly scanning the people around us, trying to remember where we are. The elevator opens in front of us and as we get inside, I can see Booth smile at me.

"The fun is about to begin," he says as he presses a button. The doors close and immediately the elevator shoots downward. It is a small elevator and the two guards that are now ahead of us can be easily taken down. They don't face away from us, but keep their eyes trained on ours.

"New protocol," Booth says. "Just to make sure that you are not tempted to disable any of my guards they are to keep an eye on you."

The elevator dings and as we walk outside, we find ourselves in a large cylindrical room with a train waiting. We are taken to the nearby launch pad and finally as the door opens Booth steps in and we are taken inside. It is a very small train, seems like two cars and two engines. It looks like the Presidential bullet train, but all black. The car that are in, is the sitting car and they point at the seats in front of us.

"Next stop the Capitol," Booth says as the door begin to slide close. We are on our way to the one place that we have always hated. The Capitol await us where I would have to make the decision to either do what I am told or what I know Peeta would want me to do.

Lillian

"You are going to have to stand still," he says angrily. The way he looks at me, reminds me of the way my first grade teacher told me that I was not to cry when the other kids in my class didn't want to play with me. She told me that it wasn't anything that I could, that the past would always haunt me, because people never forget.

"Lil," my brother chimes in. "You are going to have to let him."

"Why?" I say. "Because he says he knows our parents. Anyone could know our parents, hell, the whole country knew them."

"A brat," I hear from the kitchen. "She is a annoying, little brat, who is ungrateful. Kind of reminds me of someone...oh yeah, I know from where. Your mother."

I try to sit up but there are like four hands on my shoulder and not to mention that I am tied down to a freaking dining room table.

"If you talk about my mother one more time," I yell back. "I don't care who you are, or how many people you have killed, I will make sure that you don't...that you don't..."

Johanna pops her head back in from the kitchen. The smile on her face and I know that she is enjoying this. The pain is too much I lie back down. Why oh why did I agree to do this.

"That I don't...what?" Johanna says in a joyous manner. "I mean I would love to test out your little theory here. God knows I haven't actually seen any actual action."

"Johanna," Gale shouts back.

"What?" Johanna says. "I am being nice, and even have the fake smile you taught me all those years ago. See..."

She grins, which of course anyone with half a brain can see that she doesn't mean. These two are crazy enough, and I know that somewhere somehow, my mother trusts these two, but I am having a hard time understanding in my what universe that was, or if my mother was hopped up on morphling.

"Anyhoo," Johanna says now looking at me. "I would love to test out your theory, but I don't hit, handicap...I mean children."

The mere mention of the word, and I just want to rip out her throat. I mean she is rude, insensitive, and, and, and...

There is nothing.

"Johanna," Gale says again. "Lillian, I really need you to help me out here huh? Please?"

I look up at him.

"Do you even know what you are doing?" I say.

"Took a couple of classes from someone in District Four," he says with a smile. He points at a shelf that is behind him. The dishes are all organized neatly, and of course I am clueless on what the hell he is talking about.

"Great, I am letting someone cut me open because they took classes on a how to organize a shelf?" I say.

"No," he says laughing. He stands up and walks over to the shelf. Below the shelf there is a couple of pictures in frames. Looking at one, he stands there smiling. After a couple of seconds he walks over to me and hands it to me. In there is a very old picture of two kids standing in front of an woman. I could have recognized them a mile away. They may have gotten older but their eyes never changes.

"Grandma," I say softly placing my hand on her face. She looked so young standing behind mama, who of course did not have a smile on at all. She could perfect the scowl even at this young age. We don't have much pictures at home, only the ones papa draws. They all went up in the fire.

There is someone else in the picture. I can't really place her, and I know that she is someone that mama trusts, because of the way she holds her hand. Her smile, she is the only one with one that is as bright as the sun. I could see that her dress was too big for her.

"That is your aunt," he says holding back the emotion. "Your Grandma gave me this picture as a gift, a way of remembering my promise to her."

I hand it back to him, wishing that I could have held for a little bit longer. It was the only picture other than the ones we found on video tape, of my aunt Prim.

"What promise?" I say.

"To always have your mom and dad's back," he says. "So are you going to let me do what I have to do so that we can go and get your mom and dad out of trouble...again?"

"Again?" I hear Thomas say.

"Yeah," Johanna says walking back in handing him a backpack. "Didn't they ever tell you about the good old days?"

He nods no, and she just starts to laugh. All he can do is smile and try to look cool, when I know he is nervous. He would do that thing with his hands, almost as if he doesn't know where to put his hands, or they grew five times too big.

"Did you find them?" Gale says looking back down at my thigh.

"Of course," Johanna responds. "It wasn't even that hard, it seems that both your mother and father are going to some big benefit tonight. Can you believe it, one of those old fashion Capitol parties. Of course it is to raise money for something. They are calling it, 'a night to remember.'"

Gale looks at me and nods. He looks like someone from our District. The grey eyes look like mama, but it has something different, a sort of sorrow to it.

"You won't feel a thing," he says lowly now. "Trust me."

I finally give in, and my hand goes relaxed. If my grandma would give something so precious to him, then it means that she would trust him, so I guess I would have to do the same. I close my eyes for a bit, expecting to feel the pain of the blade, but it wasn't there. In fact, I couldn't feel a thing, not even the hand on my thigh. I try to control my breathing, you know not to feel so nervous, but I can't help it. I open my left eye just a crack and see that Thomas is looking on from behind his shoulder. He doesn't at all seem disgusted or even worried, his eyes are filled with a sort of wonder. If I could I would just hit him.

'Clank'

I hear a small metal thing hit a pan.

"There," he says. "And are you sure it was only one?"

He turns around and sees Thomas's face.

"I checked," he says. "No other entry wounds."

"Well then," he says grabbing a towel and cleaning his hands on it. The redness of it and I know that it is blood. I can see Johanna come by and inspect the wound.

"Hmm," she says. "Not bad, although it might just be a small scar. Not like this one."

She turns around and shows me a long scar that runs from top of her shoulder that runs towards the middle of her back, or at least I think it does, the shirt sort of blocks it.

"Got this one from my games, the stupid kid from eight," she says. "He didn't even see it coming when I..."

"Johanna," Gale says looking at her. He nods no at her.

"What?" she says.

"Is everything ready?" He says.

"Yes," she says walking over to him, and kissing him on his lips. "I just love it when you take charge."

She turns and walks back into the living room. It seems that there is a plan. The more important thing is that they weren't on the train, but what is this about a party.

"You should be just fine," he says. "You will be able to walk just a little bit better than before. In a couple of days you should be back to normal. That numbing agent sure did the trick, if not I would have never been able to get to the bullet without you moving around. It was pressing against the muscle making it hard to walk. It would have been nearly impossible to bear the pain of it there rubbing against the nerve and the muscle, but I guess you are more like your father than your mother. He always was the stubborn one."

I hear the thud, thud, thud, of Johanna walking back. The silence has become sort of a uncomfortable one. The stubborn one? The sorrow in his eyes has now turned to something of regret.

"We should be ready to leave in two hours," Johanna yells back from the living room. "You sure about the number of people coming?"

Gale extends his hand to me. I look at it and finally reach out to grab it. He lifts me up onto the sitting position while Thomas undo the belts that was holding my leg on the table.

"You know what would happen if we tell them that they are NOT going," he yells back from the living room.

Johanna walks back into the room.

"They will just hide in the ship," she says. "Or find their own way. Guess pig headed stubbornness runs in their blood."

"Guess so," I say looking squarely at Johanna. If they are going to rescue our parents, we are sure as hell going to be there.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty Eight

Katniss

He never lets go of my hand. The warmness of his palm, the way his fingers have been molded to fit my hand, or is it the other way? I wonder love molds everything to fit? The puzzle pieces that are cut and made specifically to fit, can they mold themselves to fit when before it wasn't able to? I doubt that the factories that created these games made the pieces have the ability to mold themselves. We were never the conventional though, never the normal, hell we started a war because we did something that no one ever dared to. I guess Peeta and I just fit, we had always fit together. The way his fingers wrap around my entire palm when it isn't interlaced with my own fingers. It was like we were made to be together, even if I never saw it back when we were kids.

He looks outside the clear glass at the blurred lights whiz by us. If we were in District One, we will more than likely be in the Capitol in a mere minutes, especially with this train. I can feel the tremble underneath my seat, almost as if this whole train can come apart at any moment. I close my eyes to try to steady my nerves and feel the calmness that Peeta brings to me. It is only a moment but just as I am beginning to feel some sort of calmness, the train begins to brake which of course causes the rattling to be more and more. The screeching sound of the brakes is the first thing that I hear, and I can feel my hand tighten around Peetas'.

I open my eyes and see that he is looking at me just as he would always with a sort of quiet strength that I remember my father having. How different it was now, to the boy I met at the Reaping, his emotion more self evident, more open to everyone, and now the emotion is still there but hidden, and the smallest details that I have gone to love about him. Can still remember the first time we held hands. Cinna had made the suggestion and of course Peeta who was secretly in love with me, did not object, now I think it is me who doesn't object.

As the train comes to a slow stop, I don't see the cameras, and I don't see the guns, all I see is the cars waiting for us. The doors open and as we are assisted off the train, and into the cars. These cars are different than the ones we are use to. They are much longer and have a row of seats that face the back seat. Booth slides into a seat that is in front of us.

"Now comes the fun part," he says with a smile, almost as if it is an actual game. His hands go up to the bow tie, and straightens it on what seems like an invisible mirror. "I would ask you to see if it is straight, but who knows, you might want to choke me with it."

I smile.

"It is a thought," I say.

His smile disappears.

"Now a couple of the ground rules before we get to our final destination," Booth says fixing his cufflinks on his shirt. He is rarely nervous but something about where we are going has him noticably rattled. "You will be tempted, and I do mean tempted to tell people that you might see at the party...old friends...new ones...strangers...about our current arrangement. It will be the most logical thing to do, however I will let you in on a little secret. I would advise against it, because if there is one thing I know how to do, is to how to anticipate problems, or complications."

There is a knock on the window that divides the driver section from our section. The window lowers and the driver asks the question on if we are going to the public side or the private side. When Booth tells him that we are going to the public side, the window rolls up and we are again left alone with this psychopath.

"Now where was I," he says. "Oh yes, the contigency plans. So this is the little thing, I have eyes all over, and I don't care how many people you tell, hell you can scream it from the roof top for all I care. The thing is, that if I am captured, or feel that I am about to be captured, then the switch goes off, and one by one, the people hearing this conversation goes bye bye in a grand old explosion. If history doesn't repeat itself, and the choice is not made, then we will all go bye bye. If I am shot and killed and no longer here, the device will go off and then of course...we will all be going together. So if you tell more and more people, then your job to do what you have to, would become more and more difficult. So of course as everything in life, the choice is up to you."

The car finally starts to go up a ramp, the incline is for a couple of minutes and when we finally reach the top, I see what I first believe is the sun, the bright light that goes on and off.

On and off? The sun doesn't do that. My eyes re-focus on the light and I see it come from another location and then another, many little...flashes.

The cameras are so many that it seems too much to handle. It seems that everyone from all of the Panem has come to take a picture of what, of who? We haven't been that important, they haven't needed us. The car begins to stop and I know now what we have to do, what we have no choice in doing. We have to play another part, the Games has started again, and this time it isn't to convince that we are madly in love, but to convince everyone that we are happy to be here.

Peeta leans into my ear.

"Just follow my lead," he says with a calm voice. He knows that these sort of things I am no good at. The politics and the games were never my specialty. All I can do according to Haymitch is to smile and pretend that I don't hate everyone. What I wouldn't get to have him here, helping us with what we have to do.

Booth is the first one out of the car, and is already waving as if he has done this before. Peeta is next and his hand gently pulls me along. I put up my hand to my eyes as the lights are too strong and it feels all like the day we first came into the Capitol. The cameras, the crowds, people wanting to take our pictures, it good to see some things never change. I grab his hand with my other hand, and he just smiles and waves at everyone. Trying my best, I smile the most genuine smile that I can give.

They take us towards the door and as we reach them I am about to exhale, when I feel someone come right up next to me.

"Well if it isn't our favorite lovebirds," her voice is so recognizable that it could be pitch dark and we would still be able to find her. I feel her hand hook under my elbow. Peeta turns around and gives a kiss on each cheek.

"Well hello, Effie," he says. "We would have called, but we wanted to make it a surprise."

She smiles, but obviously we have offended her by not telling her in advance that we were going to this. If only she would know that we would never ever even consider in a million years coming to one of these things, and that something is off. Sometimes I wonder how it was that Effie was even part of the rebellion back after the arena blew up. I wish I could just tell her to get Haymitch, and that he would know how to get out of this mess. Of course it would definitely cause more problem than solve them.

"Peeta I would have hoped to have seen the children," she says. "Where are those two lovely children?"

"They couldn't make it, stay with their grandmother back in District four," I say interrupting them. "Lillian and Thomas really didn't feel up to this event, so my mother decided to take care of them while we go."

She smiles and then holds both of my hands. I can feel it there jabbing me in the finger it is small enough to be hidden and I must be imagining it, because as Effie walks away from us, I look down in my hand.

A small piece of paper folded.

'First saying, minus seven, are always a gift'

Lillian

It pays to know people in the government. It was a saying that they had in school. Although the teachers said that life before this government was worst, we of course cannot see it. Once when I had turned fourteen, I cut class and went to the forest of remembrance. I just wanted to finally get away from everything and anything that had to do with the week of memorial. A stupid holiday that they started back in the old days before I was born to keep the people who died alive by retelling stories and doing things for other people. I mean I never met most of the people that had died, I didn't know my Aunt, or my Uncles that died in the bombing. I never knew my other grandma or either of my grandfathers. So I never liked the fact that we had to talk about them. The first class actually planted the trees that now make up the forest of remembrance. I tried to tell Mama that I didn't want to go, but she of course was having one of those mornings where she turns zombie and well doesn't talk for a while, Papa was no help either, so I ditched.

I must have spent most of the day there walking through the trees and reading out the names of the people that died. Even spending some time climbing my Aunt's old tree, with the wind chimes that sang a melody every time the wind blew. The Peace Keepers of course found me, and as they were walking me back to the Institute, they stop near the old part of town.

"You know," one of them said to the other. "It was right here."

"What was?" he responded obviously ignoring the fact that I was even there.

"Well I was there when the bombing happened. Must have been probably six or seven at the time, but it was right here, where old man Mellark help us and pointed us where everyone was going," he says now looking at me. The mention of my last name, and he knew that I would perk up and pay attention. "That is right, you grandpa, help me escape that day."

"Too bad he died," I say obviously mad, upset that we were all part of this wonderful family that now is tainted and everything.

"Yeah too bad," he says letting me go. "Now go on, get home before I change my mind."

The other Peace Keeper looked at him and asked him what he was doing. It was obvious that he felt as if some debt had to be paid.

"If it wasn't for this here girl's parents, we would have been more than likely dead," he says. "I for one, think that a debt should be paid. Though this is nothing, and I don't think that I would ever pay them back fully. I guess this small thing could be the start."

We became friends after that day, well probably not friends but I guess he would cut me some slack and we would talk. Darius was his name. He told me that he was named after his father who was a Peace Keeper back in the old days. He would talk to me about what he could remember, and I guess he felt that by telling me things that the history books left out that he would be paying back that invisible debt that he had. That was the only reason why I even knew who Johanna was. The story of the famous Victor from District Seven. I guess the Peace Keeper never knew that Johanna and Mama were friends.

Thomas of course rode up front with Gale. He had never been on a hovercraft before, much less been able to fly in the co-pilot seat. I had to remind him that we are on a mission to rescue Mama and Papa and that it was time that we took it seriously.

"Boys," Johanna says sitting next to me. "Give them a shiny new toy and they totally lose sight of everything that is important."

"Is that," I start to say but too nervous to finish. If the stories are true, then sitting next to me is one of the most vicious people that is known from the Games.

"Is what true," she says. "That I have killed so many people that I actually lost count? If that is the question then yes."

Just to throw her off, I of course would never acknowledge that it was the question. Obviously this is her strategy to get inside the head of the person.

"Actually," I say. "Is it true that you were friends with my Mama?"

She smiles.

"You are much smarter than you let on," she says. "I can tell we are going to get along perfectly. Here..."

She hands me a small case, it is black and has one zipper. I examine the weight of it, and can feel something like a tube is inside. I start to unzip it but Johanna's hand grabs my wrist.

"Not...here," she says. "Don't want Hubby to know that I gave that to you. He...wouldn't understand."

The grip on my wrist is so tight that it hurts just to try and move. From that I can tell that she is stronger than people give her credit for, and is just as fast as Mama.

"What is it?" I ask lifting it up.

"A shot of adrenaline," she says letting her voice quiet down. "Should add a little pep to your step. I know that you wouldn't want to be hinder by your little wound there, so figured us girls need to stick together. Just a word of warning though...the crash after will be very high, so try not to do too much."

Looking at it now, I know what she is doing and why is doing it. It seem that under that vicious facade lies someone who is always looking for a friend.

"I will take that into consideration," I say putting the case into my backpack. "Thanks."

She nods and looks up front to my brother and her husband. We are almost there, from the air I can tell that, by the large tall buildings that are now visible.

"Alright," Gale yells back. "ETA to touchdown is ten minutes. Primary EVAC site is the old Training Center, and secondary is the Old Mill. We will paired, I will be Lilly, and Johanna will be paired with Thomas. If what the information we have is accurate, your mother will be with the President tonight. What we don't have is the trigger."

"Trigger?" Thomas asks.

"The person holding the cards," Johanna says. "We get him or her, we can free your parents."

"Exactly," Gale says. "The thing is to do it before he is force to act on an secondary plan. We don't know what that is, so we have to first identify the trigger. Until we know anything, we cannot disclose the plan to anyone, we have to go dark."

Going dark, Johanna explained was that the only people that would know what we are doing are us. Gale says that it could be anyone in the Capitol, different Districts, or even the Capitol Government. There are some bad things about going Dark. If we act before we catch the trigger then we look like the villains.

"It is important that we think before we act," Gale says as soon as we land. "We won't get a second chance, and until we know who it is, we have to play recon only. So kids, you are riding backup, and will be assisting each of us,...this is not open to debate and either you agree to it now or you are not leaving this hovercraft."

I look to Thomas and his eyes are focused at the task at hand. He knows what to do and knows the importance of it, so I guess we would have to agree to it.

We land on the roof top of the old Training Center. There was even a joke about having a picnic afterwards, which of course I didn't even understand. Once downstairs Gale tells the General that we are some young recruits from District Thirteen and that he is here showing us the old Training Center.

"It is fine by me, but you are going to be confined to this building," he says to all of us. "The President is going to be at the Civic Center at some fundraiser, even got the Mockingjay to show up."

Gale smiles and nods.

The walkie goes off, and we start to hear about someone who is making a scene down by the lobby. Something about lodging a complaint about not advising them of the Mockingjay's visit.

"Whats that all about?" Gale says.

"Oh it is nothing, some old lady who says that we have protocols about the Mockingjay and the fact that we are not following protocols about advising them when she is coming," he says. "The old lady is crazier than that my Aunt Twila, even have the pink hair that yells...craaaazy..."

Pink hair? It could be only one person who would be crazy enough to come to the military government building to lodge a complaint about Mama.

"I will take care of it," Gale volunteers. "If you want, of course, I promise to get her off the property in five minutes."

"You do that, and you earn a permission off facility," he says. "This old girl been going at it all day."

We quickly get into the elevator and start our way downstairs. The elevator is all glass and the way it shoots down, it makes me just a little bit queasy. My hand reaches for the handle bar. Johanna looks at me and just smiles this superior smile.

"Johanna," he says looking at her. "Quick do you have any paper and a pen?"

"What do I look like," she says. "A writer?"

Thomas rifles through his bag and then taking out his journal he rips off a small piece of paper. He hands him the pencil and we both see Gale writing something on a piece of paper.

'First saying, minus seven, are always a gift'

We stop at the lobby and there we see the person we knew we would find. One look for her, and she smiles for a second, before putting up her hand to her mouth.

"They are trouble aren't they," says Effie.

"Yes," I say. "Effie, we need your help."

Gale hands her the piece of folded paper, telling her that he need her to get this piece of paper to Peeta or Katniss.

"Of course," she says.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty Nine

Peeta

I wish I could tell her. Effie would definitely know what to do. At this moment I just have to keep my mouth shut and smile. People come and shake our hands, some point and others just stare. This of course reminds me of that 'party' we had in President's Snow house. Filled with guards that at a moment's notice by the President could have very well finish our lives, we survived that one. This time around, the President doesn't want us dead, in fact he doesn't even know who we are.

The President was elected for the first time through one of the Career Districts. It was a move that people had become a little bit nervous on. Many people talking about the move to go back to the old government, the old mentality, however after two years into his term, President Novius, had done more to expand the use of alternative energy, to help keep people working. He was a younger gentleman, much younger than his previous successors but none younger than Paylor. Paylor to date was the youngest President and is still alive and kicking although not part of any political event such as this one. There has been five presidents since, or at least I think there have been five. We honestly didn't follow any of the politics of Panem, we just retreated into what people considered obscurity. This is actually one of the first parties that we have been to since the old Capitol government. I guess that is why there are so many cameras.

Something bothers me about all this. It isn't the fact that we have poison filled bracelets on. It isn't the fact that at any moment for whatever reason, this lunatic can press a button and we all die. The fact is, that we still don't know the plan. If Katniss is to actually execute the President, wouldn't they give her a weapon to do it? Something doesn't feel right and now that we are finally here, I have to figure out what to do.

Katniss comes back from talking to Effie, and while she looks a little confused she immediately grabs my hand. I feel something in it. It feels like a note. It is dangerous enough that I had to remember how to tap out code, but notes are even more dangerous. I hear music, and remember that the only time where we were able to talk without being spied on was on the dance floor.

"Would you like to dance?" I ask, lowering my hand to kiss hers. It is then that I catch something, a whiff of pinecones? When were we in anywhere near pinecones? I lower her hand and as we walk towards the dance floor, I don't see Booth anywhere, at least in front of me. The music starts to play something slow and there are cameras everywhere, following us onto the dance floor. It is then that I realize that Booth doesn't need to keep an eye on us, he has the camera people to do that for him. I can see our broadcast on the big screens behind us.

She lets me keep the paper as our hands separate. The paper on her waist, I lean in to whisper.

"What is it?" I say.

"Effie," she says. "First saying, minus seven, are always a gift?"

I think about it, and it makes absolutely no sense. What the hell does it mean, or is it meant to mean anything at all.

"What?" I say.

"I don't know," she says. "It makes no sense, the only thing that I can think of is the last part...always a gift. it was something that Gale told me once. That children...are always a gift."

"Do you think he is here?" I ask.

"Could be," she says.

"It smelled like pine cones," I say remembering her scent that was holding the paper.

"Pine cones?" she says. "Are you sure?" Because if you smell pine cones, the seven, then it is Gale, and if he is telling me about the children. Could it be that he has seen the children and that they are safe?"

"It has to be," I say smiling. "We have to let them know who is the enemy is. Probably they can take him out or at least arrest him, before you have to do whatever he wants you to do. All that matters is that we stop him."

There are no smiles from her. I lean in and kiss her lightly on the forehead as the song finally ends. I tell her that it will be okay and that we will make it through okay, but I know that at the end if all else fails, that I would to make the decision.

There are reporters that are waiting for us right outside the dance floor. They have been rope off from the rest of the people who are enjoying the eating and the drinking. Each one of them calling our names, calling us over to them. I pull on her to the area of the reporters, and she stops short pulling on my hand. I know her stance on the reporters and how she had always hated giving interviews.

"Come on," I say smiling. "It will be okay."

As we walk over to the reporters one stop us.

"Katniss, Peeta, thank you so much coming over to speak with us," the reporter says. "How are you enjoying the time in the Capitol?"

"We always enjoy coming back to the Capitol, to see how some things change and how others stay the same," I say. "Look at this party, the Capitol always knew how to throw a party, and well...between you and me,...I still don't have the hang of the showers here."

The reporters start to laugh and I have to make sure that one question is asked. Just like the interviews with Caesar Flickerman, we have to get them to go to where I want them to go.

"Katniss," another reporter yells out. She lifts up her head and smiles. "This is the first time in a long time that we have seen you and Peeta at one of our Capitol events. Are you a Novius fan?"

She looks at me and I squeeze her hand in reassurance. I know how much she hates this, the games of the Capitol always were a bitter taste.

"I support..." she starts to say before stopping. "I support, change, life after the Games, life after the War. I support living in the future and not dwelling in the past. I support people who do that."

Leave it to Katniss to always say something that could easily start another rebellion. Delly asked me once if I had wish that Katniss would be a little bit less, you know...Katniss, and of course I couldn't take less of her, because I love all of her.

I hear someone coming behind us and then there is a hand on my shoulder and as I turn around I see the man who has brought us here, that has been the one hiding in the shadows. His other hand grabs Katniss by the shoulder.

"Sounds like the Mockingjay is eying a place in politics," Booth says. "With a speech like this...a run for the big seat in two years? I mean, who wouldn't vote for you if you did ever decide...I mean...wouldn't you?"

Of course the reporters all agreed. It was one of the things that President Coin feared, that Katniss's popularity would always be there, that the people would always rally behind her. Even now, after all these years in hiding, I know that if we weren't here because of some sick person, that she could have easily become some high level official. Heck I bet she could easily win an election.

"Senator Booth," a reporter yells out. Senator? It is then that I realize the signs. The house outside the District, like the one that President Paylor had, the ability to get us into the event without the need of being scanned through security. This isn't an assassination, it is a coup.

"Senator," reporter says. "Are you the reason why we are seeing the Star Crossed lovers here in our Capitol?"

It is the chance that I have been waiting for. To get it on tape, to get Gale if he is watching to see this. So that they know who it is, that is holding us here.

I put my hand around his shoulder and smile.

"You got it," I say. "The good Senator is the real reason we are here today. He is the one, the one with all the gifts."

He smiles at me and I know that he wasn't expecting this. This is how we insure that if anything were to happen, that we take him down with us. He lifts up his hand and tells everyone that he has to take us now to meet up with the guest of honor, but that we will be back. Somehow from here, I doubt it. It feels as if someone is not coming back from this, and if I have a choice in the matter I know who is.

As we walk towards the crowd, he leans into my ear.

"You think you are so smart," he says. "But you forget, I am always one step ahead of you."

"Just tell us how," Katniss says. "How do you want me to do it. Just tell me."

"It is a surprise," he says.

Lillian

We don't walk, but we run towards the event. There is no time to get through security. Going dark, doesn't give us the ability to stop and explain. As soon as we saw the trigger, Gale knew something that no one else did. The words that my father said on the television was something that causes Gale to go into a panic.

"Gale," Johanna yells out to him to stop, but he doesn't. I can barely keep up, especially with the pain on my thigh. Stopping at the nearby corner, my hand reaches for the street lamp post. The pain is much that I can't walk or even think about running. I see Thomas in a distance almost catching up with Gale. He was always the fastest sprinter, not the quietest though.

I slip off my backpack and grab the needle from the case. Unzipping the case I see the small needle with a clear fluid. If there was ever a time to use, now it would be. I jam it into my thigh and as the cold liquid coarse through my body, I stand up and start to try and jog. It takes a couple of seconds before I start to feel my heart beat begin to quicken. The pain slowly disappears and as I run, I start to push myself harder and harder to catch up. The lights of the nearby event does tell where they are going, and as I reach the entryway I see a commotion at the front security check point.

"Hey Fledgling," I hear someone behind me. Johanna Mason is right behind me Turning around I see Johanna waving at me from a side entryway. I run towards her and she ushers me inside. The room is dark and as we struggle to find a source of light, I feel her hand on my shoulder. "Stop…moving…let your eyes adjust. Moving around…like a duck caught in a trap."

I am guessing the adrenaline shot keeps you all jittery, but once I close my eyes, I can feel my heart beat begin to steady itself. I start to see the boxes and the shelves in a room. It seems that we are in a storage facility and right in front of me is another box. My eyes finally adjust to the darkness and I could make out where Johanna is. She is crouched looking for something in her backpack.

She hands me an earpiece. As I put it into my ear, I hear Gale on the other side.

"Team one in entry point," Johanna responds.

"Team two in entry point," Gale responds.

The military talk always get me frustrated. I don't know what the hell is going on, what the plan is, or what we are doing. "What the hell is going on," I say over the COMs a little bit too loudly.

Johanna grabs me and pins me against the wall with her elbow in my throat and her hand on my mouth. As I struggle to get free she just leans in a little bit more and I can feel the ability to breathe is becoming harder and harder.

"Two choices," she says quietly, as she removes the ear piece. "I could just lean a little bit more, and cut off your air which of course would cause you to pass out, and I continue with the plan. Or two, you can learn to keep your mouth shut and I will explain to you what is going on. So blink twice if you understand, or once if you want me to live you here."

I struggle to get air, but as I blink once, I blink again to let her know that I understand. She lets me down and all I can do is cough, trying to more and more air, but failing to do so.

"Okay," she says. "Listen and listen very carefully. Your mother and father are being held by someone who develops new type of explosives. The thought is that there is a bomb here. He is going to blow everyone up, so we have to find him, okay?"

A bomb? The situation just became more serious that what we thought.

"Who is it," I say hoarsely.

"Gale is going to get him, and see if we can't get the location," she says. "Once it is diffused then we can get your folks."

"Why not just tell security," I say. "More people looking."

"And create a panic?" She says. "If he finds out that we are onto him, then he might just blow it all up and I want to make sure that I survive this little adventure, if that is okay with you."

She puts in her earpiece again.

"Moving to secondary point," she says. "Will confirm target, standby. Going silent."

"Confirm," Gale says.

She moves over to a vent and with a knife she removes it and places the vent next to it. She points up and I nod. As she wiggles her body into the vent I wait trying to think of what is going to happen. I follow her up the vents, weaving left, right, and forward until finally we reach another vent, trying my hardest to keep quiet, to steady my breathing. I hear a click, and recognize the loading of a gun clip. I can hear music and people talking when I finally emerge on the other side. Johanna moves onto a metal catwalk silently, I don't even hear the footsteps as she walks.

I see her walk with purpose until she stops and removing a pair of binoculars she looks down at the crowd.

"Confirmed trigger," Johanna says. "Also confirmed primary assets near the stage."

"Going in for extraction," he says. "Secondary nest has been established. Mike will be open in need of guidance."

"Confirmed," she replies. "Moving to line of sight, primary nest established in couple of seconds."

I look down and for the first time in a couple of days, I see her. She looks so beautiful with her golden dress. I want to scream out and run to her, grab Papa and hold him again. They are so close and yet I cannot do anything.

We move to another location and then Johanna slips out a gun that constructs into some sort of rifle. As she screws everything into place, she looks at me and immediately I know that the nest is a sniper nest. If Gale is down in the crowd then that means that Thomas is in the second nest. I look around and cannot find him anywhere.

"Continue walking," she says. "You should see them coming to your right."

Katniss

I could see the guards, I could see the President coming into view. Booth continues to walk with us and then as we are about to reach them, another Senator stops Booth to talk. They talk a little bit about conditions in the districts.

"As much as I would love to continue this conversation," Booth says. "We have a previous engagement."

Just then I feel someone come up behind me.

"Hey Catnip," I hear a familiar voice says.

I turn around and see Gale standing there. He smiles and as I look back I see Peeta's expression change. He starts to look around until Gale nods a quick no.

"Senator Booth," Gale says interrupting.

The Senator turns around.

"Can I steal away Katniss for just a second," he says.

"Mr. Hawthrone," he says. "What an interesting development having you here, especially so soon since you most recent change of events."

"Yes," he replies. "That is what I would like to mention to her. May I?"

I turn around and smile.

"The price you pay for taking me out on the town," I say towards Booth who has no choice but to let me go.

"Please hurry back," Booth says. "We will be waiting here."

I look back and see Booth's hand on Peeta's shoulder. He is still there and I am moving away from him. Although I am glad to see Gale, my first question is the one thing that I had been thinking of all this time.

"Are they okay?" I ask.

"They are fine," he says.

"Gale," I say. "I have to. Touching my bracelet. It is the nightlock all over again."

He looks down to my bracelet and nods. I had to tell him that I am held prisoner by this bracelet.

"You remember that time we went into the woods to hunt, I'd always went with the center quiver, but you of course being the rebel that you were, would always go with the left quiver," he says. Something about what he says that doesn't make sense. The rebels and the separation of arrows. The center quiver and left quiver, the only time we had arrows that were divided was when Beetee gave us the fire which was the right and the…

The realization comes as Gale smiles and grabs my bracelet.

"Why this does have the same shine to the left arrows that we had that day," he says. "Don't you think so, right? I mean why else would the Game run from a golden arrows."

The bracelet is an bomb, and we have to run to get away from it.

"It was a gift," I say trying to keep my voice steady. "Both Peeta and me have them."

His hand goes up to move a hair that has made its way to my eyes. As he moves it back behind my ear, he slowly cups it and I can feel something go into my ear, as he kisses my cheek.

"It was seeing you again," he says. "Please say hi to the children for me."

As he walks away I can still feel something in my ear. Coming up to my hair I touch my ear and find that it is a communicator.

"Hello?" I say.

"Catnip," Gale says. "You are on COMs."

"Mama?" I hear Lilly's voice. There a rush of emotions that I cannot explain or separate, fear, elation, love, but I think the a overwhelming sense of relief is the one that over powers them all.

"My beautiful baby," I say. "Are you and your brother okay?"

"We are," I hear Thomas say.

"Hey brainless," I hear another voice says. "Seems like you are always getting into trouble."

The smile disappears, and a slick happiness washes over me.

"Seems like," I say.

"Catnip we have you on scope, try to limit your conversation," I hear Gale interrupt. "Can you remove the device?"

I nod no. There is a long pause and there in the silence I feel Peeta's hand interlope with mines. I smile at him and kiss him on his hand. A tear begins to threaten my eyes. I struggle to keep it in, but know that it is a losing battle. His hand catches my tear.

"Johanna," I hear Gale over the COMs. "Time for that distraction. All teams ready for primary trigger to be neutralized."

"Deadman," I whisper into Peeta's ear. He turns to me confused. I need to get close enough to hide what I was going to say. If they kill him, we all die.

"Confirmed," Gale says. "Deadman switch on primary trigger. Wait until I am in position."

"Ten seconds," Johanna says. "Everyone hold onto their butts."

I begin to count down from ten.

Nine…eight…seven…six…

My heart beats slows down waiting for one.

Five…four…three…two…

"In position," I hear Gale say and then all chaos.

I feel for Peeta's arm, and once I have it in my hand, I toss him to the ground falling on top of him. People are screaming and I can hear every one trying to scramble. On the ground I see the chandelier fall and crash onto the stage. Quickly looking back to where Booth was, I already see him on the ground with Gale on his back.

"Katniss," Peeta yells. I turn around and see a couple of Booth's guards coming at us with guns.

One shot, two shot, and both of the guards fall on the ground.

"Might want to move, Mockingjay," Johanna says over the radio. "Have a couple more coming and I could only so many of them."

I pick him up, and as I am trying to get him to move. The bullet start flying so I motion to Peeta to stay low. I can hear Booth screaming out from the ground.

"No you don't," he says. "You do not get a happily ever after. Not again."

There is a gun fire and I see Booth drop to the ground yelling something. Peeta sees that and immediately reaches for the knife, fearing that Booth is dead and that soon we will be as well. He grabs my hand and jams it on the lock.

"Come on," he says. "Come ON!"

It is then the bullet wiz by and I grab him taking him down onto the ground. As my hand hits the ground I hear a small click. The bracelet slides off but starts to beep. His eyes widen as well as mine. I can feel my heart begin to race.

"Peeta, get yours off," I yell at him. He looks at me and starts to work it by hitting it on the ground.

"Go," he yells at me. "Get out of here!"

I look around I just grab the nearby gun, turn and take down two more guards that were coming. Turning back to Peeta, he still trying to get the bracelet off.

"I am not going anywhere," I say. "And you are not leaving me."

The beeping from the bracelet gets louder and louder, faster and faster. I take the butt of the gun and strike the bracelet harder and harder until finally it cracks. He slips the bracelet off, which starts to beep just as fast as the other one. It begins to flatline and Peeta without thinking tosses it towards the open space far away from us.

The last thing that I remember is his arms as he covers me when the explosion hits and we are tossed into the air.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

_My name is Lillian Primrose Mellark. I am sixteen years old. My home is District 12. My parents were kidnapped and in an failed attempt assassination plot get blown up. We all survived. The Capitol are looking to blame them for the death of a Senator. My parents lie in the hospital beds unaware of this. I am in a prison cell with my brother in connection with the attempted assassination of President Novius. More than likely they will be tried and convicted. After all to many in the country of Panem they are terrorists. To me though, they are just my Mama and Papa…_

"Lil, you okay?" I hear Thomas's voice coming from the darkness. He is in the cell next to me. His voice sounds ragged almost as if he is pain. My main concern is him.

"Yeah I am okay," I say. "How are you?"

He starts to cough, and as I try to stand I feel the muscle all cry out in pain. I don't know if the pain is from the blast wave or the adrenaline finally wearing off. My breathing deepen as I struggle to stand up straight. The stabbing pain is too much and I stumble to my knees. The bang on the metal ground probably made too much noise as I immediately hear Thomas making his way to the wall nearest to me.

"I am okay, I am okay," I say before he has a chance to say anything. "My body just doesn't seem to understand that I want to stand and not fall."

Everything is foggy, my memories are all a haze. I don't know how long we have been here, or even what time it is. There are no windows or clocks and from the lack of visitors I am sure that probably a couple of days have passed. The things that I remember are in bits and pieces. The haunting memories of people screaming, followed by gun fire and things crashing. It happened so fast that I didn't have time to think, I only reacted.

'In position,' I hear echo in my mind. Then seeing Johanna fire and then a crash. People started to scream and then gun fire. As I crawled my way towards Johanna I can count the times she cocked the rifle.

One…two…three…four…five…

"Lil," I hear as a distance voice. Then I hear it again, and then again, until finally the voice comes in clearly.

"Lil, say something," Thomas's voice now loud enough to drown out the banging on the wall.

"I am here," I say. "I am okay."

A loud thud.

"You scared me," he says. "I can't take this Lil. I can't close my eyes…it is as if it is waiting for me. It plays over and over in my mind."

I wish I could hold him, tell him that it would be okay.

"Tommy," I say. "Think of the lake, and how great it would feel to jump into it right now. It is spring, everything will be spring when we get back. The birds will be singing and we can probably go out hiking."

It is a dream. I don't know if we would ever be able to go back home, or be ourselves again. Tommy screaming from the nightmare the first couple of days. It was hard to listen to, the constant tossing and turning, then the moaning and finally the screams.

The loud echo of a metal door closing jerks me back into reality. I make up my mind to try and stand. My hand grabs the bed and as I make an effort to stand I can feel my body become like lead, the weight still too much for my muscles to hold. I can hear the footsteps coming towards the cells, and force my feet under the weight of my body.

'Stand.' I tell myself over and over, willing myself, to find the strength to do it. My hands tremble as it leaves the bed and is now in the air. The throbbing pain of my thigh causes a tear to stream down my cheek. Don't think that I have enough strength to wipe the tear from my cheek.

The steps finally reach my cell and there stands two guards and a familiar face.

"Lillian," Doctor Aurelius says. "You shouldn't be standing not after all the trauma your body has handled."

The guards take out a key and then unlocks the door. As they slide the door, all I can focus on is my breathing. It is fast and mimics my heartbeat. It is taking everything that I have to keep myself standing. Looking at the other guard I see that he has a wheelchair with him.

The guard that opened the door, removes his gun from the holster.

"That won't be necessary," Doctor Aurelius says to the guard. "This child is no threat."

"Sorry, Doc," the guard returns without looking at him. "Procedures are procedures and for a child of a Victor, we have to take extra precautions."

The guard walks slowly behind me.

"Hands behind your waist," he says forcefully. "Slowly, do not make any sudden movements."

As I move my hands back, I see the other guard come very slowly with handcuffs. The way the chain moves from side to side, I just want to smile, it seems that he is nervous. I wonder if this is what Johanna see when she is around people.

There is a gun pointed in my face, along with the clicking sound as the metal touches my wrists. Once the cuffs are on me, the guard goes back to get the wheelchair.

"Now sit," the guard still pointing the gun says. Doctor Aurelius comes over to me and helps me sit down. The pain that shoots up my spine as the muscles contract is too much to bear, and a small yelp escapes my mouth. The guard smiles and they place a strap on both my chest and my legs. Once that is done the guard finally places his gun back in the holster and I am wheeled down the hallway.

"Coming out," the guard yells to a camera at the end of the hallway. The door buzzes and begins to slide open. Two more guards are waiting for me at the end by an open elevator door. Doctor Aurelius moves a strand of hair behind my ear and as I look up, he smiles and tells me that it will be okay. I wish I could believe him.

"Transport in motion," a guard by the elevator states. The door closes and the four guards are all looking at me. I could only feel my heart beating, until I feel Doctor Aurelius's hand on my shoulder.

The ride is short lived and when the door opens I am in the holding room before the council. They roll me out and place me before a group of people. Two women and one older man stands before me in a small room. Two tables stand before me, one where I suppose to be and the other where my judges sit.

"Good afternoon Ms. Mellark," the older man says. "My name is James, this is my colleague Athena and at the end is my other colleague Vanessa. This is an exploratory meeting to clarify the events that occurred three days ago, your physician has requested to be present, citing injuries for the said event. We have decided to grant the request, for him to be presence and monitor your progress. The restraints however will remain on for security purpose. The proceedings are being recorded for the record. Please state your name and your official location of residence."

The guards all file out and in the room is just us and the three people. The atmosphere is cold and impersonal, almost as if we are already in the sentencing, and all I need to do is say my name to be condemned. Probably that is all it takes, is to be a Mellark.

"My names is Lillian Primrose Mellark, and my official location of residence is the Victor's Village of District Twelve," I say.

"There is a point of clarification that we wish to enter into record," Athena says opening a folder. "The ballistics report from the autopsy Senator Booth, state that the fatal shot was from a 0.460 steyr sniper rifle. The investigators concluded that the shot was from 75 yards or 225 feet. Which is to say, the shot came from an experience marksman."

She turns over the paper and looks for another that is in the folder. After a couple of seconds she finally lifts one up to be examined.

"Is this your signature," she says displaying a document with my signature on it.

"Yes it is," I say.

"And is this you, at your primary interrogation," she says turning the image to a security feed where the first person started to interrogate me on what happened."

"Yes," I say. "It is me."

"The report indicates that you are taking responsibility for the fatal shot," says Athena. "Is that correct?"

"Yes," I say remembering the day that they were asking me if I had taken the shot. "It was me. I shot the Senator."

She looks over to the other two people and they whisper to each other. After a couple of minutes of discussion I feel the doctor's hand touch my forearm. I look over to him and see the worn out worry on his face. They were always close, Mama and Papa to Doctor Aurelius. They always told me that he saved Mama and from the look of it, I am beginning to understand what they meant by it.

"This is another document," she says handing it to me. "If you could read the highlighted section."

The document just stares at me. I know what they want and I know why they are asking me to say it. I look up after a couple of minutes and just stare at them. If they are looking for me to do it, I will not.

"Ms. Mellark," Athena says. "Is there a problem?"

"No," I say. "No problem."

"Then would you please read the highlighted portion of the report," she repeats.

I just stare at them without even looking down. After a couple of minutes James clears his throat and smiles.

"Not to worry," he says. "I will read it for you. The document states that from your location, the distance and the angle the bullet did not come from your rifle."

The words echo, not from your rifle. I can still feel it in my hands, the weight of the rifle. Johanna had just gotten shot in the shoulder when I rushed to help her. She pushed me away and started to drag herself back to the rifle.

'Have to neutralize the trigger,' she kept on repeating over and over. I ran over to the rifle and as I had Johanna do time after time after time, I cocked the rifle, and peered through the scope. I had the shot. My breathing was calm and steady like it always is before the arrow is released, but I couldn't do it. All I could do is see the shot coming from a lower angle from a different location, and knew exactly who had taken the shot.

"What do you think that means," Athena says. My thoughts come back to the room. "I will tell you what it means, that you couldn't have taken the shot. Further test had proved that the bullet's groove pattern did not match the rifle that you had, but match the rifle that your…"

"What do you want," I interrupt. "I told you, I did it. You want someone to blame, blame me. My confession is on paper, my testimony is on camera. Just tell me what you want. Are you really that heartless? "

"No my dear," Vanessa interrupts. "We are only trying to save your life."

"By taking someone else," I say.

Just then a cell phone goes off. I look around and see that it isn't the three judges in front of me, but Doctor Aurelius's. He start to fumble looking through his pocket.

"Doctor," James says. "You know these inquiries are a no communication location."

"I am sorry," he says looking down at the phone. "It seems that my other two patients are awake."

He turns to me.

"Your mother and father are awake," he tells me with a smile.

"Great we have a couple of questions for them," James says. "We are finish with Ms. Mellark, guards if you could escort her back to her cell?"

Peeta

My hand grasps hers. It is where I am, it is where people will always find me. The nurses told me that the children are safe and that they are waiting for me in recovery. I still can only hear about half of what people are saying, the ringing in the ears are still too loud. I guess I should be use to it. After all, how many time is it now, three or is it four times that I have been blown up. I think we have been in that many hospitals, I think I might have gotten use to the food already.

She lets out a moan and I raise my hand to her cheek that is nice and swollen. Looking at her now, all bandaged swollen, the doctors telling me that four of her ribs were crack through the impact of the ground. Even like this, it reminds me that she isn't made of steel, that she is just as fragile as that flower that I found that day. I wonder if she still has it.

Her eyes finally open and I see one grey and one blood colored. She tries to smile but half way up she lets out a cough and then a wince of pain.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey," I say. "We definitely need to stop meeting like this. One might think that we have a thing for the food."

She wants to laugh but keeps a straight face. Out of us three, she got the brunt of the explosion. Gale was just tossed back into the ground, which of course due to our bracelet's exploding. The third bomb, the one that was supposedly to go off if we were to go off script never did. My theory is that although Booth could be a psychopath and kill people without a second thought, he couldn't come to terms with his own death. It was the first thing that living in the Districts we always had come to terms with. The Reaping was meant for those who would die, especially if you came from District Twelve. After two Games, the torture of the Capitol and the beginning of the Rebellion, death didn't scare me anymore. I knew I was going to die, it wasn't a matter of how, but when. When it didn't happen and we were finally able to grow old, I guess we just hid to avoid death, to keep ourselves from ever being caught by death. Everything changed when I felt the kick in her stomach for the first time. A little miracle fighting to come into the world, while we are still fighting to still in it.

"Where are the kids," she says.

I turn around and see the nurse. She is right outside the room talking to another nurse at the station. From the moment I woke up I wanted to be next to Katniss. I had to struggle just to get up but now that I am next to her, I don't want to be anywhere but here.

"Nurse," I call out. She turns around. "Can you have our children come into recovery?"

She smiles however it is an uneasy smile as she turns to look at something. It is as if she is looking at something coming down the hall. The posture of the nurse looks uneasy almost as if she is scared of something. I turn around to see Katniss and she is already nodding, knowing what I had already known, that something is off.

"Whatever happens," I say. "You promise me that you will keep fighting okay?"

She nods. It is then that I hear the boots coming into the room, and the static of a radio. Turning around I see eight armed military personnel with AK47 pointing directly at both of us, four at me and four at Katniss.

"What took you so long," I say.

"Peeta Mellark, Katniss Mellark," one of the military troop says. "We have a warrant for your arrest. You are accused of the attempted assassination of the President of Panem. We have to take you into custody for questioning."

I nod and grab her hand.

"Sir, please raise your hands," the troop says.

"Going to be hard to do that with my other hand in a sling," I say. "My wife has four broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, not to mention more bruises that we can count, I don't think that we are much of a threat right now to anyone."

"Confirm the condition," the troop says to another one who promptly leaves to more than likely talk to the nurse or doctor. Once they come back Katniss seems to be more agitated than I am.

"Let me see my children," she demands trying to get up.

They all click on their guns.

"Woah, woah, woah," I say getting in front of them sitting on the bed. "Let's everyone take a breather. She just wants to make sure that they are okay."

"That is not our concern, nor is it in our ability to do anything," the troop responds. The way he responds, the bravado, it is the kind of attitude that would get your face broken. Just as I am about to slide from the bed, Katniss's hand grabs me and I know that she has just stopped me from doing something stupid, or probably she wanted to do it herself.

Just then I hear someone making their way through the crowd that has formed outside of Katniss's room.

"You will let me in," I hear him say from outside. "I don't care who you get your orders from. These are my patients and I will not have you creating a hostile environment here. Not here."

Doctor Aurelius finally makes it to our side and hands who seems to be the head person a paper. The man starts to read it and then turns to the radio talking to someone. He motions to the other guards to lower their weapons.

"Is that a magical paper that says we are free?" I say with smile.

"Don't be silly," he says. "If I had one of those I would keep it for myself. With you two, I would need to have a whole case full of them. No…that paper is just a summons."

The man with the summons confirmed it with his superior and then each one of the guards retreats leaving us with just one. Doctor Aurelius grabs his stethoscope and places it under my shirt on the back where he can test my lungs.

"Deep," he says.

I take a couple of deep breathes and he nods.

"Still a little ragged," he says. "The binding might be a little bit too tight. If you had your transmitter we would have known your condition before you came into the hospital. What did you lose it in the blast?"

Before I could even think about the transmitter the image of us giving them my transmitter comes into mind. My heart aches to see them. The word must have triggered something in Katniss too, because she interrupts us.

"When?" It is the only word that I want to know too. He sees Katniss's determination and know that we only have one thought in our head. Doctor Aurelius does a quick eye test, and waves the nurses who had the two wheelchairs waiting for us just outside the room.

"Now," he says turning to us. "One of the conditions of the summons that I was able to work in. There is one catch though."

"What is it?" I say.

"You only get five minutes," he says. "The investigators need to confirm the statements… of your children."

The children? What do they have to do with any of this. The last time I saw them was on the train, there is no way that they are here. The way he says it though, with his voice so sorrowful it leads Katniss to sit up without any help, the pain is too much for her but she just muscles through it.

"What?" she says. "What is wrong?"

"One of them is going to be tried for the death of the Senator," he says and my heart simply drops.

"How?" I say. "It can't be. They are nowhere near the Capitol. The last time we saw them was on the train. They are wrong."

"Peeta," I hear Katniss. Turning around I can tell that she has something to tell me. "I tried to tell you, but everything happened so quickly."

"What?" I say feeling as if it is true. That the children was there. "Please…don't tell me that it is true."

"I am sorry," she says.

They were there. I don't remember the next moments. Everything is a blur. I don't hear anything, I can't think, I can't feel, all I am now, is someone who couldn't protect his own family.

It isn't until I feel a small hand in mine. It is the most familiar thing that I could remember. Feeling her small little fingers grab my one finger. I didn't think that I had space in my heart to love someone else. It was my greatest accomplishment, they were my greatest accomplishment. I finally lift up my head and see someone smiling at me. Her tears are more than I could bear. She was the most beautiful person that I have ever seen. The way she smiles, it looks exactly like her mothers.

"Hey Monkey," I say. She stops and then the hands move quickly around me. Her arms grab all the wrong places, and I have to struggle to keep from wincing from the pain. I am guessing she remembers that I am all bandaged up, because she lessen her grip, but it is then that I hear a whisper.

"Hey Papa," she says. "I missed you."

Looking over her shoulder, I see Thomas already embracing his mother and of course the guards are all over us. She holds him as if she hasn't seen him in years. The smiles and laughter that comes from Katniss reminds me of that day in District four. It was the first time that I heard her laugh, her true laugh.

"I missed you too," I say. The tears that are coming from her seem to never stop.

"I am so sorry Papa," she says burying her head into my chest.

"No no," I say lifting her chin so that our eyes meet. "Don't be sorry. It'll be okay."

The guards come and remove the children taking them to the next room. Thomas waves to me and I just mouth the words that I am proud of him. He nods and with his head down go into a glass room that is locked from the outside.

It is then that I see where I am. In front of us stand three people and knowing full well what is coming we prepare ourselves for a fight. Looking over to Katniss I see that the smile that was once made for her children has been taken and now standing before her is the person that I have seen only a couple of times. They have met their worst enemy, the Mockingjay rising from the ashes.

"Mrs. Mellark," the man starts to say. "Thank you for taking time out of your recovery to answer some of our questions."

The sarcasm is so self evident that I know Katniss would not be able to control herself. She moves the wheelchair just a little bit closer to the microphone knowing full well that this little interview is being recorded.

"Thank you for allowing us the time to meet with our children," she says. "It means a great deal to me and my husband."

It is surprising. It is the first time that I hear Katniss say the right thing, especially in a interview with Capitol officials. She starts to tug at the chain around her neck. I didn't even notice it but it is the same chain of my transmitter. She must have found it when I put it in the dress bag. She takes it in her hand and turning around she points it to her children. Thomas already has the other one in his hand. Looking at Katniss she presses a button, and a green light turns on.

"Guards," one of the investigator says. "You didn't search them, you didn't follow protocol."

The three investigators all stand up, with horror in their eyes. They think that in her hand is a trigger for a bomb, that what she is getting is a weapon.

"It isn't what you think," I yell out looking behind me and seeing the guards coming. I try to stand but the guards are already getting to her. She has enough time to place the transmitter on the table before they slam her head into the table.

"Everyone thinks they know us," she yells out. "Think that they can judge us. There is no change, you have taken everything from me, my sister, everything that I loved, and now you try to take my family. You, all of you, will listen to what is the truth."

The green button on the transmitter was turned on before they reach Katniss and all you can hear in silence as the tape begins right in front of the microphone. The static is small, but after a second or so, a voice comes on. I can't believe it, it is as if the ghosts have come back.

_"...There was a president called Lincoln and he went to a theater to watch what they called a play. Wouldn't you know it, there was someone who didn't really like this president although everyone in the whole country loved him. This person decided that they wanted to end the life of the person that the whole country loved and guess what happened..."_

She recorded it. She actually recorded it. I would have never thought.

Epilogue

The days after the hearing, the full extent of our captors came out. It was made known that Senator Booth had placed liquid explosives on both me and Katniss. His death prevented the bombs from going off prematurely and killing everyone at the event, including the President. This of course doesn't erase the fact that Thomas, my youngest, had to decide to do something that we both feared, and now he has to live with it.

He struggles sometimes, with the nightmares, and well Doctor Aurelius has taken the time to help him through it. The choices we make always define who we are and now that he has taken a life, no matter the reason, the cost is always too high to bear. The small children that played in the meadow, now struggle like their parents. Struggling from the past that should have never happened.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for taking the time to read this story. It could start a spin off into the world of the children of Katniss and Peeta Mellark, however I feel that the itch to write this story has been scratched. Who knows what tomorrow holds, I may go back into it.

Right now I think I will focus a little bit more on my own novel that I am writing, focusing on an original storyline with original characters. Wish me luck as who knows I might get someone to actually publish it.

Like always, thank you

E.W.S.


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